Six pack - 28th June

For weeks now we've been flicking the bean, and now it's time to get down to the actual shagging. The 32 teams have been cut to 16, the 16 down to 8. No more of this holding hands singing "We are the World" bull-shit, You lose the match you're out of the fucking World Cup. Tuck your tail between your legs, Get back on your plane/boat/magic carpet and head the fuck home. I've sat through enough redundant National Anthems to last me a life-time (though to be honest my own Nation's is probably the dopiest - Girt by friggin' sea), and now the mice have been weeded from the men.

Our own Shoddy Six Pack has been halved in the process and some places have now been allocated:

6th Place: USA

The Yanks got off to a poor start with a three goal loss to the Czech Republic, which they followed with a draw to Italy and a 2:1 loss to Ghana. Their failure to get through the first round earns them the honour of being the inuagural Shoddy Six Pack Wooden Spooners. They can take solace in the fact that although they won't own the World Cup, they still own the entire fucking world.

5th Place: AUSTRALIA

Australia was knocked out of the cup in a 1-0 loss to Italy on Monday afternoon, and fuck was that game a kick in the nuts. Had we lost 2 nil we could have patted ourselves on the backs, and been proud to make it this far. But to lose in the final ten seconds because of an unwarranted penalty was just pure agony. Soccer is such a cruel-or-kind sport. If one team wins in the final seconds, the flipside is that the other team loses in the final seconds. Ecstasy for Italy, Agony for Australia.

Italy:


Australia:


4th place: SPAIN

It didn't come as that much of a surprise when USA and Australia were knocked out of the cup, Soccer has never really been our forte. It was unexpected to see Spain knocked out as they looked like an unstoppable force until this point. They lost 1-3 last night to France, and will have to wait another four years for a crack at the title.

The Spanish President is escorted home after the game.

THE TEAMS STILL IN:

ITALY

Italy are through to the next round thanks to the 11th hour penalty from Striker Francesco Totti that knocked fellow Shoddy team Australia out of the Cup. Italy did well to keep Australia goalless for the second half, considering that they were down to 10 men. Although as Woodsy pointed out in this advertisement, their tactics are traditionally a little dubious.

By the way That's Totti with an "I":

Not Totty with a "Y":

A common misconception.

ENGLAND

England beat Sweden 1-0 on Sunday to give them a berth in the quarter finals. David Beckham scored the only goal of the match, much to the delight of his wife Victoria who was watching from the stands. She was at the match with her Father, when they stand together you can really see the family resemblance:

Suffering from Dehydration, Becks threw his guts up immediately after kicking the winning goal. I couldn't find a picture of Beckham vomiting, so here's a shot of Keanu Reeves after he watched his new film The Lake House.

GERMANY

The home ground boys are still going strong, beating Sweden 2 nil. Reluctantly, the Swedes returned home to their land of naked blondes and saunas. Next up for the German team is Argentina, by no means an easy match. Germany last won the World Cup in 1990, Argentina in 1986. Whatever happens, it's nice to know that this gentleman's game has helped bridge the cultural divide. Check out these beer ads if you don't believe me:

Six Pack - 23rd June

I was at the Alexandra last night for the Australia Croatia match. I could go on about how "fantastic" the "atmosphere" was, but then I'd begin sounding like that painful friend who travels overseas and writes page long emails to his mates back home about his "fabulous" travels. Nobody wants that. So let's just say we all crammed into the pub and got completely shitfaced.

As I write this, I've got a sterling hangover that would make Mr T break down in tears. So don't be too alarmed if my mind drifts and I go off on a tangent and start mentioning random things like Eskimo Porn. Eskimo Porn is great by the way. The cold temperatures it is filmed in cause the money shots to freeze in mid air. Compelling.

When Croatia kicked their first goal in the opening minutes we thought we were fucked. We only needed a draw to progress to the last 16, and a 1-0 loss would have been very depressing. But the Australian team revved up, and the crowd went nuts when we equalised, and went even more nutser when we equalised again ("even more nutser", Oscar Wilde aint got shit on me). The 2-2 score means that Australia will go on to face Italy in the knock rounds on Monday.

There was many a boozed-up punter in the pub, but nobody was nearly as drunk as referee Graham Poll whose general sodomy of the game rules included allowing rugby tackles, and giving Croatia defender Josip Simunic three yellow cards. Lunatic. Poll has now been sent home from the World Cup, FIFA officials declaring him "Too much of a Vagina-Brain to referee at such an important competition".

Recently I saved up to buy a digital camera, but at the last minute spent the money paying Porn Star Ron Jeremy to dress up as Super Mario:

That is not a investment I regret, but it does mean that I had no way of recording the nights action. Luckily Bart has come to the rescue by emailing me the pictures he took on the night. Click on the pics to enlarge, and feel free to print out multiple copies and plaster your bedroom wall with them. Nothing says fine interior design like Drunk-Australian Wall Paper.








While we were watching the Australia game upstairs, the Brazil/Japan match was being shown on the ground floor of the pub. Because of the time confliction I missed the game, but apparently Ronaldo read my last post on how he has lost his form and went out and kicked two goals just to spite me. Bastard.

Updated Ladder:

I opened Microsoft Paint in order to manipulate the tables into the Shoddy Sixpack, but am finding concentration in short supply today. Instead of working on the ladder, I tried to find out what Ed-209 would look like if he was a girl:

Gorgeous.

Six Pack - 20th June

Updated ladder including another big win for Spain (beating Tunisia 3-1), a tie between Italy and USA, England tieing with Sweden 2-2 (J.Cole's goal one of the best of the tournament)and Australia's 2 goal loss to Brazil.

Australia vs Brazil report:

Jimmy and I hit the Alexandra at noon on Sunday to ensure a seat for the game. The Alexandra is the Wandsworth Demons (British Aussie Rules side) local pub, and a fine place to have a few jars. We met Some of the Demons players at the bar, and there were a few guys who hadn't slept from the night out before. When Pete sang "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" from the stair-case to a group of Japanese tourists sitting below, I knew it was going to be a long day.

Pre match entertainment consisted of two events. The first was the Japan v Croatia game, in which we needed Croatia to lose to improve our chances of making the knock out rounds. Sadly this wasn't the case and had one fan screaming "You War Torn Fucks!" at the screen when the result was a draw (He later apologised for his un-sportsman like demeanour). The second event was an Irish Demon named "The Vice" (named because of his bear-hug tackling technique) competing in a self imposed bet.


The bet was that he couldn't drink ten pints of Guinness in one hour. He did, with 15 seconds to spare. 20 standard drinks in under 60 minutes is an impressive feat, even more so when you consider it was done with 5.7 litres of Guinness. That's the equivalent of eating one street's worth of freshly laid tar, I for one was impressed.

Come match time 5PM and the pub was packed full of Australian and Brazilian fans alike. We shared a sense of kinship as we were all wearing green and gold, all liquored up, and all sweating like a Bus Driver's nutsack. The Brazilians are a friendly crowd, and there was no animosity between the fans even when they beat us 2-0. That being said, Ronaldo copped a decent heckling. A darling of previous World Cups, the Brazilian striker has stacked on a few kilos in the last few years and has swapped his role from 'Match Winner' to 'Chubby guy who runs around not doing much'. It was decided that he looked like a mildly obese Jet Li, the equation surprisingly simple:

After the game most of the crowd spilled out on to the pavement to escape the stifling heat of the pub. The Brazilians congratulated us on putting up a decent fight. The Captain of the B-side "Guns" impressed a circle of onlookers with a string of one handed push-ups. I was going to top that with some one-thumbed push ups, but decided not to as I was wearing my good pants and didn't want to get them dirty. All up a very decent day of Sports and Boozery, it's been years since I heard Eddie Murphy's Delirious quoted with such drunken consistency. Goonie Goo Goo indeed.

The Vice and Jimmy after the match, myself lurking in the background. These pictures are from the Wandsworth Demon's web site, for more photos click here.

UPDATE: I have been asked what the winner of the Shoddy Six Pack will actually receive. Is there some kind of trophy that will be presented to the winning team? Well I don't have a trophy or cup, but I did find this in my neighbour's garbage bin:

I'm not entirely sure what it is, I think it might be a Candle holder or something. It's the best I could do at such short notice, and it will be presented to the Inaugural winner of the Shoddy Six Pack in a few weeks time.

Six Pack - 16th June

Well I lost my £3 bet. I had England to win 3-0 against Trinidad & Tobago, and last night they won 2-0. A shame, but well done to Bart who last week bet that Victoria Beckham would be the first English Celebrity wife to be shown on the World Cup telecast - it paid £60 (I swear you can bet on anything in this country).

The game wasn't that great, England still aren't reaching their full potential. There was quite a few wasted cracks at goal that went wide, and one kick Peter Crouch had missed by at least seven kilometres. Crouch is six foot seven, and I swear the most gangly looking fucker to ever grace the soccer field. He is better off using his height to head the ball, which he did to score their first goal. Steven Gerrard scored their second. This game also saw the return of Wayne Rooney. A star in the Euro Cup, Rooney had spent the last eight weeks recovering from a broken meta-dorsal-fin (or something like that)Though he didn't do much in the game, his presence was a huge confidence booster for the team.

Rooney doesn't exactly have Beckham's move star looks. In fact, Rooney is too ugly to appear on radio. But he's a skilled Striker, and one of the toughest players out there. I know, I know - saying you're the toughest Soccer Player is like saying you're the smartest Hilton sister. But if this fucker takes a dive, you know he's just broken a bone. He also likes to screw 48 year old hookers, but Christ if that was a sin then we'd all go to Hell.

Here's the updated ladder:

In other football news, Mac brought this Ecuadorian player to my attention:

Ivan Kaviedes

To quote Mac:

"Apparently he keeps a Mexican wrestling mask in his sock and when he scores a goal pulls it out."

To reiterate: he keeps a Mexican Wrestling mask in his sock. That makes me proud to be a human being. The Ecuador team is looking good, one to keep an eye on in this Cup.

Chuck had nothing to add on the football, but made me aware of this deeply concerning piece of information:

Alarming.

Six Pack - 15th June

Every team has played now (Germany twice), so let's look at the table:

Isn't that a beautiful table? I spent half an hour trying to create a html table using blogspot, but it was as much hard work as it was unrewarding. Like gutting a rat to make a furry condom. So instead I took a screen capture from the Fifa home page, and butchered the fucker in paint. The height of resourcefulness I am. MacGuyver aint got shit on me.

Germany is on top of the Six Pack, though they have the advantage of playing two games already - winning both. Costa Rica 4-2, and Poland 1-0.

Spain played the Ukraine and dished out goals the way Paris Hilton dishes out STDs. End score 4-0, Villa kicking 2.

Australia did well in their first match, beating Japan 3 - 1. I watched the game in the Elusive Camel with a handful of Aussie fans, tense match considering our 3 goals weren't scored until about ten minutes til full time. The goals can be seen at the Aussie World Cup blog. Go relive the magic you little bastards.

Italy won over Ghana, 1-0.

England beat Paraguay 1-0. I watched the game at Jono P's barbecue in his backyard. It was a very sunny day and the glare on the TV was so fucking fierce from where I was sitting I could barely make anything out. For the first half of the game I actually thought we were watching an episode of The O.C. After the match I was introduced to a drinking game named "Zoom". The game required concentration and co-ordination. Rest assured, Jimmy and I spent the entire game drinking penalty shots.

USA got raped in their first game by the Czech Republic, losing 0-3. The USA coach must have been about as impressed with his team as this dog was with it's owner.

That's all I've got time to write, I'm off to the pub to watch England vs Trinidad & Tobago. I've got £3 riding on this game. Tense.

The Shoddy Six Pack

World Cup Fever is in full swing over here, and though there's enough beer and boobs on The Shoddy Blog we could certainly do with some more sport. With 32 teams from every corner of the globe the World Cup can be a little daunting to the casual viewer, so as a little side project I have decided to create a 'league within the league' - a "Shoddy" Cup with only six teams in it.

The dilemma I faced was which teams to choose. The great teams? The underdogs? It was proving to be a hard decision. But then the solution hit me like a Nun's open palm to a naughty Catholic School Girl's naked buttock: Go with the readers.

The beauty of having a web-site on Blogspot.com, is that people from all over the world can stumble across your site. I haven't promoted this web-site in any form, yet there have been 17 countries that have visited the Shoddy Blog in the last few months (though to be fair countries 13 - 17 have only visited once. Don't be shy Lichtenstein, come back for a visit). So in respect to the most frequent visitors, I will form a selection of six teams chosen in order of the greatest number of site hits per country. The name of this funky new league?


The six teams are as follows:

AUSTRALIA

Not surprisingly this web-site is most popular in Australia (but not by much), so they are the first team to be put in the Shoddy Six Pack. It's been 32 years since Australia made a World Cup appearance, so the Aussie fan base is squealing like giddy school girls with excitement. Then again, we'd happily sit and watch Spiders fonicate if it meant beers and yelling were involved.


ENGLAND

England was pipped out of the Shoddy Blog's top hit count by less than one percent. Not that that fact has much weight, half the English hits are from Australians living over here. We share a kinship with the English, as they kick started the colony of Australia a few hundred years ago by shipping over the convicts. They took their criminals out of the murky grey sludge of Britain, and sent them to a Paradise of perfect weather and pristine beaches. In hindsight, that was quite a strange thing to do.


USA

Malaysia is actually the third most frequent visitor to the site, not having a team in the World Cup they forfeit their position in the Six Pack to the fourth most frequent: USA. Whenever I see America and Soccer in the same sentence, I always think of this Simpson's scene. Classic.


SPAIN

There is a minor but steady flow of hits coming from this country. I've never been to Spain, but I heard they like to have tourists come over. Get them smashed on wine. Then let Bulls trample them in the streets. Fucking awesome.



GERMANY

Indonesia would usually slot in about here, but they don't have a World Cup team so Germany have got themselves a spot. They've got the home-ground advantage, and they also drink from giant steins served to them by Medieval Porn Stars. Two reasons why they will go far in the World Cup.



ITALY

Though the Shoddy Blog has been gaining in popularity and the hits are slowly starting to roll in I'm not exactly running Tila Tequila's MySpace page here, and there is only one repeat hitter checking out the site from Italy. Hopefully that person is a Football fans coz they've earnt themselves the sixth and final spot in the Shoddy Six Pack.


The first round ends tonight, so I'll update the teams' progress tomorrow. Oz and the USA might get knocked out pretty early on in the piece, but the rest of the league looks quite good and we might get to see one (or even two) of these Shoddy Six Pack play in the final (or maybe not, it's a shame I receive no hits from South America). Even if they all drop out of the World Cup, one of the six teams will have the sublime privilege of being the inaugural winner of the Shoddy Six Pack. When the winner becomes apparent, that entire country will get laid.

Ozi, Mac, Aspin, Richo - you guys have been Soccer fans since way back so any commentary on the games is more than welcome. I'm still quite the Rookie Supporter. Honestly, I thought Trinidad & Tobago was a Mexican Cop Show from the 70's.

Shambles, Magic - you guys aren't Soccer fans. The last conversation I had with you guys was at 4am at the Sand Bar in Henley. The topic was "The Apocalypse" and we were convinced it would involve Giant Robots and Hungry Lesbians. Your commentary is also welcome anyway.

Toby, Jimmy - You'll be in the pub with me when I watch the games, but I usually phase out when you crazy bastards talk to me. You should email any thoughts as well.

City of Sweat

I was woken by a wasp the size of a Butcher's fist this morning. I had slept with my window open, and the fucking thing came buzzing round my face at about 6am. I found this unsettling for two reasons:

1. There are fuck all insects in London. Honestly, you can go months without seeing a fly or a mosquito. Quite a surreal experience for somebody coming from Australia, where you have to brush 14 spiders off the toilet every time you take a shit.

2. The fucking thing was huge. It looked like a Tiger cub with wings, and proved to be quite a rude wake up call. I was slightly concerned it was going to sink it's stinger into my cornea, but it just kind of hovered for a while then flew out my window again.

The ignorant bug woke me from one of my favourite dreams, the one where I'm getting beat up by Nuns. You're probably thinking that I should keep my bedroom window closed but there's a slight problem, it's at the top of a three story flat - AND IT GETS STINKING FUCKING HOT IN SUMMER. Of course I could buy a fan for my room, but I spent my last 20 quid on a pair of Trainers with little lights in the heels that not only flash red when you take a step, but emit a drum sound as well. I don't regret the purchase, I'm the coolest Mutha Fucka in London when I strut the streets of Soho wearing these.

I've got no complaints about my house in Winter, it's cozy as a Bear's nipples. There just seems to be no contingency plan for temperatures over 20 degrees Celsius, and it's truly not a unique problem. This city isn't exactly renown for it's tropical climate, but it's like they completely ignored the fact that there is a season of Summer altogether. The percentage of buildings and businesses which don't operate any form of Air-Conditioning is quite phenomenal. I was going to update this website yesterday, but the Internet Cafe was positively fucking sweltering. It's hard to dance your finger tips on the keyboard when you're sweating like a Gay Proctoligist. I hit my local pub instead, but there was no Air-Conditioning, no Ceiling Fans, just a couple of desk-fans positioned around the bar. I became confused at one point if what I was drinking was beer or the sweat running off my face back down into my mouth. It's even harder to tell for someone like me, because I actually sweat Beer. Travelling is also a humid mind-fuck. The Northern Line Tube has recorded temperatures up to 46 degrees Celsius, which is the last thing you want to experience after a full day at the office.

This article was actually going to be an update on the World Cup (including watching the Oz game today), but I kind of went off on a "Sweat Rant" instead. Fuck it kids, the World Cup stories start tomorrow.

How to watch Soccer if you're not a fan

(SIDE NOTE: As a general rule of thumb it's not wise to refer to the game as Soccer in the United Kingdom. Here (as in most of the world) the game is known as Football, and the locals get quite tetchy if you call it otherwise. If you call it Soccer in front of an Englishman he is likely to slap you across the face and challenge you to a duel. Worse still, Vinnie Jones will come round to your house and rape you with your own severed legs. However, I'm tackling the subject from an outside perspective and will refer to the game as Soccer for the remainder of the article.)

Soccer is the most popular sport in the world, but not the most popular in every country. In Australia it is not as popular as Australian Rules Football, and it wouldn't even make the top five sports in America. I have mates make home who have never even watched a full game of Soccer. Let's be honest, it's not the easiest game to take onboard if you haven't grown up with it - and it's the low scores that put most people off. How can you get excited over four nil-all games in a row, when your own sport of choice racks up 5 goals a quarter?

That's not to say Soccer isn't a good game, you just have to know how to appreciate it properly. I have many an Aussie Rules fan who could happily go the rest of their lives without ever watching a Soccer match. The dilemma, however, is that Australia is now in the World Cup. This doesn't happen very often - in fact it's the first time in 32 years, and now there's a shitload of Non-Soccer fans who want to watch their country compete on an International Stage. I've been asked by a few mates back home "How do you enjoy a World Cup match if you're not a Soccer fan?, How can I get into a match having never been involved with the sport before?" The answer is surprisingly simple:

EVERY GOAL IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CRUCIAL

What looks like Soccer's greatest flaw (the low goal turnover) is in fact it's greatest Asset. Have you ever gone to a game of Basketball and screamed your lungs out when the first hoop is sunk? Probably not, because you'd look like a fucking retard. You know that basket is going to be followed by another fifty from each team. Basketball, like most sports, is at it's most exciting in the last quarter. When the scores are tied with two minutes to go every shot at goal is a heart stopper. The next points could seal the fate of the game. This is where Soccer's beauty lies, it's that kind of next-score-may-win tension, except you experience it for the entire game. When you realise that at any point a goal scored could be the last for the match, then watching a Striker have a crack at the net will leave you on the edge of your seat. For something as universally important as the World Cup, it's down right exciting. Especially in a pub full of drunk fans.


So if you're not a Soccer fan yet intend to watch the World Cup, just imagine that it's the Adelaide Crows vs West Coast Eagles, or Miami Heat vs Dallas Mavericks, or Pittsburgh Steeler's vs Seattle Sea Hawks. And it's the last minute of play, and the scores are tied. Failing that, watch it for the silly fucking hair cuts.

Nothing else to add, except that you should check out this vastly important World Cup story.

(SIDE NOTE 2: For the fuckers back home, no I haven't joined the 'Dart' side. Aussie Rules is still my game of choice. Just saying it is possible to broaden your horizons.)

Let's Learn British! Part II

It's time to learn another term from the English Vernacular. Today's word is:

totty
1) n. singular An attractive woman
2) n. plural Many attractive women

Let's look at a few examples of totty, drawing on examples from Britain's own impressive line up.

Kelly Brook


Kelly is a model turned actor, who was most recently seen in the sex thriller Three. Kelly was dating Jason Statham for a while, but broke up with him to be with her Three Co-Star and current boyfriend, Billy Zane. She could have any man in the world, but insists on balding past their prime men. Sweet.

Jennifer Elisson

Jennifer started out on the soap opera Brookside, and now has a singing and modeling career. Jennifer is how I imagine Angels would look in Heaven, though I'll never find out from first hand experience. I sold my soul to the Devil in exchange for my sweet guitar playing skills.

Rachel Stevens

Rachel got her break at the age of 15 when she won a modeling competition. Five years later she joined the dopey TV-band S Club 7, but left to start her successful solo career. The best thing about Rachel Stevens is that she has that "girl next door" quality about her. Provided, of course, that the girl living next door to you is fucking stunning.

Keeley Hazell

Kelly's a model. She was the favourite to win FHM's Hottest 100 Women of 2006, but lost out to that scrawny hag Kiera Knightley. Would you Look at the size of Keeley's Hoos Hoos. I was going to write something along the lines of "She could breast feed an orphanage", but decided not to, as that would be crude.

I've just filled an entire article with beautiful British women. Which is by no means a bad act. But I have female readers to consider and so should give an example of a British Male Sex Symbol. So here you go ladies:

James Nesbitt

British Actor made it big in the TV show Cold Feet. And yes, this is what the Brits think is Male Totty. Somebody to think about next time you're in the bath flicking the bean, ladies.


Let's Recap on what we've learnt so far:

1. This is Rachel Stevens. She is Totty.

2. This is Godzilla and Mecha-Godzilla. They are Not Totty.

Learning is Fun!

More News From Adelaide

I woke up this morning feeling a bit rough and needed a pick me up. I ended up drinking a mug of coffee the size of a baby's skull, and it's a little more caffeine then I can handle. I was so jittery that I actually bit one of our courier's fingers off. I needed something to calm me down. Luckily Jimmy came to the rescue by bringing this news to my attention (and Ozi, you're gonna love this):

HOOTER'S is coming to Adelaide

The American bar and restaurant chain HOOTERS is spreading it's franchise to Adelaide. A popular eatery back on it's home soil, it features dancing, singing "Hooter's Girls" and TVs tuned to every sport imaginable. The name HOOTERS was chosen for the chain, as it ties in with the busty waitresses they employ. That, and the name SWEATER PUPPETS was already taken.

This is what I love about Adelaide. It looks like a conservative city, yet it's chock full of strip clubs, Knock Shops and Adult Book Stores. I went back there in April for a visit, and half the Librarians are now topless. They stamped my overdue books with a Dildo, I kid you not. Sadly the guys back home shouldn't be expecting a HOOTERS restaurant opening on their street any time soon.
From the Advertiser Article:

"We will open in Adelaide within the next five years - it's really just about establishing the brand first and being accepted,"

says Hooters' spokeswoman Caroline Kaulback.

I love boobies. In fact, I was kicked out of Medical School for constantly referring to them as "Magical Milk Nuggets from Outer Space". And kudos to the yanks for coming up with a restaurant theme like this.

But half a decade seems such a long time for something this simple. It should be accepted and established within minutes, not years. If they need a spot of Real Estate to put it in, then maybe they should bulldoze the Museum, or even one of the Universities as Adelaide has heaps of those. Fuck it, build HOOTERS in the middle of an intersection. As long as it gets done.

Thanks again to Jimmy for the heads up.

Thanks also to Lex who sent me this link for a useful cooking recipe.

You make me proud boys.