How to watch Soccer if you're not a fan

(SIDE NOTE: As a general rule of thumb it's not wise to refer to the game as Soccer in the United Kingdom. Here (as in most of the world) the game is known as Football, and the locals get quite tetchy if you call it otherwise. If you call it Soccer in front of an Englishman he is likely to slap you across the face and challenge you to a duel. Worse still, Vinnie Jones will come round to your house and rape you with your own severed legs. However, I'm tackling the subject from an outside perspective and will refer to the game as Soccer for the remainder of the article.)

Soccer is the most popular sport in the world, but not the most popular in every country. In Australia it is not as popular as Australian Rules Football, and it wouldn't even make the top five sports in America. I have mates make home who have never even watched a full game of Soccer. Let's be honest, it's not the easiest game to take onboard if you haven't grown up with it - and it's the low scores that put most people off. How can you get excited over four nil-all games in a row, when your own sport of choice racks up 5 goals a quarter?

That's not to say Soccer isn't a good game, you just have to know how to appreciate it properly. I have many an Aussie Rules fan who could happily go the rest of their lives without ever watching a Soccer match. The dilemma, however, is that Australia is now in the World Cup. This doesn't happen very often - in fact it's the first time in 32 years, and now there's a shitload of Non-Soccer fans who want to watch their country compete on an International Stage. I've been asked by a few mates back home "How do you enjoy a World Cup match if you're not a Soccer fan?, How can I get into a match having never been involved with the sport before?" The answer is surprisingly simple:

EVERY GOAL IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CRUCIAL

What looks like Soccer's greatest flaw (the low goal turnover) is in fact it's greatest Asset. Have you ever gone to a game of Basketball and screamed your lungs out when the first hoop is sunk? Probably not, because you'd look like a fucking retard. You know that basket is going to be followed by another fifty from each team. Basketball, like most sports, is at it's most exciting in the last quarter. When the scores are tied with two minutes to go every shot at goal is a heart stopper. The next points could seal the fate of the game. This is where Soccer's beauty lies, it's that kind of next-score-may-win tension, except you experience it for the entire game. When you realise that at any point a goal scored could be the last for the match, then watching a Striker have a crack at the net will leave you on the edge of your seat. For something as universally important as the World Cup, it's down right exciting. Especially in a pub full of drunk fans.


So if you're not a Soccer fan yet intend to watch the World Cup, just imagine that it's the Adelaide Crows vs West Coast Eagles, or Miami Heat vs Dallas Mavericks, or Pittsburgh Steeler's vs Seattle Sea Hawks. And it's the last minute of play, and the scores are tied. Failing that, watch it for the silly fucking hair cuts.

Nothing else to add, except that you should check out this vastly important World Cup story.

(SIDE NOTE 2: For the fuckers back home, no I haven't joined the 'Dart' side. Aussie Rules is still my game of choice. Just saying it is possible to broaden your horizons.)