Review - Mission Impossible III

Tom Cruise is a Mad Fuck.

But when he's not busy touring the chat show circuits ranting about Alien Gods and chewing on After-birth, he's actually a fairly decent actor. And MI3 (as us cool kids call it) is more than a decent film. Allow me to elaborate.

I first came across the Mission Impossible franchise back in 1996. I was dragged along to the film reluctantly, expecting this 'remake' to be another run of the mill action wank. I was pleasantly surprised by the film, enjoying it's clever plot and exciting action scenes.

Fast forward to the year 2000, Mission Impossible 2. Mildly entertaining action thriller, strangled by John Woo's insistence on Slow Motion and 'birds flying in front of camera' style of filming. The stunts were also sillier than usual as Woo treated physics and gravity like a couple of dirty whores. The end result was that I lost interest in the MI franchise.

Move ahead to roughly five hours ago. I'm checking the listings for my local cinema for a showing of V for Vendetta. I've missed the last showing, but have time to catch a special preview of MI-3. The trailer looked like a fairly well made film - but bridges shot up by jets and base jumping from sky scrapers? We've seen it all a dozen times before. With that thought in my head, and John Woo's cinematic cum still dripping off my brain I strolled into the cinema with very low expectations. I was proven wrong. Why?

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III IS A FUCKING GOOD FILM.

Yes, you read it. Caps-Lock and all. The film is book-ended by a tense scenario involving Cruise and the villian, played superbly by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. After the iconic match lighting fuse opening, we are introduced to our main players - Hunt, and his lovely fiancee Julia. You see, Ethan has retired from the world of espionage, and works as an Agent Instructor instead. He's set up home with his bride-to-be, and happy to put the whole 'getting shot at in slow motion' life behind him.

But this is a Mission: Impossible movie, not a Mission: Rot in the Suburbs While My Wife Who No Longer Has Sex With Me Yells At Our Two Bratty Kids Who Hate Me, Then Yells At Me For Not Taking the Rubbish Out Again movie- and sure enough Ethan is handed a recue mission by his task-force boss. (Note: I've always wondered by the Mission Impossible Parameters - "Your mission, should you choose to accept it...".. Does this mean you can turn jobs down? If so, how many 'missions' could you turn down before your superiors kick up a fuss? Is it possible to spend a year declining missions, sitting at home watching Spongebob while your co-workers get shot and blown up?)

It's 2AM and I have to catch a plane to Port Lincoln in five hours, so I'm not going in to the finer details such as plot. Rest assured, for a spy film like this there's plenty of twists and turns as the story bends around like a cobra with Heroin withdrawl. The action comes along at a frantic pace - every ten or so minutes there is some kind of rescue mission, kidnap, escape or theft. It's like Mission Impossible One on Crystal Meth, all done with guns and gadgets that would make James Bond shit his plants in awe. It's a superb cinematic ride, with guns and helicopter explosions ringing in your ears the entire time. This is the kind of movie that makes you glad you invested in surround sound for your home theatre.

There's a Berlin Factoy Resuce mission, a daring Vatican City raid, (not easy considering the intricate surveillance and the fact that Pope Benedict and his legion of Vampires may be lurking in the cellars) and a daring roof top run in Shanghai. I've actually run across roof tops in China myself. But I was high on Rice Wine and thought Pandas were chasing me. I travelled China with the two mad bastards shown below, thinking back I was lucky to survive the trip at all.


But I'm going off on a tangent now, back to the review.

MI-3 has fantastic casting, more effort than is usually prescribed for an action flick of this calibre. Just about every role is played by a recognisable actor - even Laurence Fishburne and Billy Crudup are dragged into the action as Cruise's superiors. There is a believable dynamic between Cruise and his team, and the romance bewteen himself and his girl makes for a strong sub-plot.

At the end of the day this is a much tighter and better made film than Woo's wanky MI-2. I was so impressed with the film that I took a leaf out of Tom Cruise's book and joined the Scientology Cult as soon as I left the cinema. If anyone wants me, I'll be down at the local church chewing on Placentas and praying to the Martian Deity Zargalool.


THIS REVIEW WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY. IN ZARGALOOL WE TRUST.