SNN News: Warnography

Shane Warne threesome caught on film

Shane Warne has been up to his old tricks again phone texting like a giddy school girl. This time the texting has landed him a threesome with two twenty five year old models. Unfortunately for Warny they caught the whole thing on film, which was then sold to The News of the World last week. It seems poor Warney's been set up by a couple of tarts, who've used the spiky blonde horn bag as a launching pad to further their UK success stories.

There are two methods to gain fame in the UK:

1. Work hard at your vocation, apply all of your skill and thrive at the career you have chosen in the fields of Acting, Music or Sports.

2. Fuck somebody famous.

If you're struggling to make a name then suck a Soccer Player's willy and next week you'll be sipping champagne in the Big Brother spa. Apparently Warny's been the project for method two, by two young ladies already with their foot in the door of fame and just needing that extra little boost. Let's meet our flavour-of-the-month Attention Whores:

Coralie Eichholtz

This little hell-cat is a model from New Zealand, and also the owner of the flat in which the threesome took place. She had this to say about Porny-Warny:

"Shane blew our minds. I give him top marks for satisfying us. In the trouser department he was above average."

Besides having a surname I can't pronounce, Coralie has a fairly decent portfolio including shoots in Loaded, FHM, ZOO and work as a presenter on MTV. Even more impressive is the fact that she once took a swing at Cameron Diaz for stepping on her dress. Pity she didn't punch Diaz' boyfriend Justin Timberlake aswell. That guy sucks.

Emma Kearney

Young Emma hails from Warny's home turf of Australia, and had this to say about Mr Shaggy-pants:

"He made love the way I like a man to. He was a bit rough, he bit me a couple of times and was firm and manly."

Emma is the host of a TV show called Nice House, Shame About The Garden which I have never seen, mainly because it sounds fucking shitful. She's also appeared in Coronation Street and Hollyoaks, but I'll have to take imdb.com's word for it because I'd rather trim off my eyelids with nail clippers and have homeless guys piss in my eyes than watch that soap opera dredge. Emma also claims she was Kylie Minogue's body double for the film Street Fighter. I'm not entirely sure how that works - Emma is 25 and Street Fighter was released in 1994, making her 13 years old during the shoot. Whatever.

The pics of the alleged threesome originated in News of the World, and copies were published in Australian Zoo Weekly from which I got these scans. The comments and speech bubbles are also care of Zoo - Cricket Lingo is just ripe for sexual parody. These are the pre-sex photos (including a blow up dildo only Paris Hilton could accommodate) and the actual shagging footage will no doubt be available on the web soon.

Click below for the snaps (quite tame so work safe):

Part One
Part Two

It all seems kind of dubious, a little too convenient - take into account the overly good reviews that the girls gave Warny's sexual skills. Still, you have to admit it all makes for good reading. Especially considering Warny bowled 7 for 99 the day after the threesome. Maybe more players should be lubing up for an orgy the night before the big game.

As for Warny himself, I have nothing but stern praise.

Sportsmen are like Rockstars and Actors. They have thousands of women just gagging for a piece of their action. They have a right, scratch that, a downright commitment to shag as many beautiful women as possible so that the rest of us can daydream about their experiences. A Sport Star shouldn't be marrying and settling down, they should leave that to us plebs and continue their fantasy life-style. It gives us something to read in FHM when we're taking a dump, something to chat about when we're at the pub downing a few ales. God bless Warny for stepping up to the plate and accepting his responsibilities.

It wasn't that long ago that Warny's wife Simone had given him the ulitmatum, cerb the bawdy lifestyle or you're out. As any good dog owner knows, you can't keep a greyhound for a pet and it wasn't too long before Warny was texting his random girlies again. Warny seperated from Simone last July, less than a year later he's moved up from dirty texts to full on threesomes. God only knows what he'll be up to this time next year:


Warny has been getting a lot of flack for setting a bad example to the younger sport fans, but I think it's undeserved. We've got an entire generation growing up with I-Pods, Playstation and extreme sports. Cricket needs a ruthless badboy like Shane Warne to keep the little bastards interested in a sport like Cricket.

I could be wrong, maybe a promiscuis life-style is not the answer. Take Mark Waugh for instance. He fell in love with a friend of his mother's who was a lot older than him, and stayed with her throughout his entire cricket career.


That is until until recently when he broke up with her to marry a blonde 15 years her junior. To quote Sam E:

"He finally saw the light and used his
reputation to get himself some decent skirt."

God bless.