Neck Up - George Lucas
We are long overdue to distribute a Neck Up Award, and the recipient is long overdue to receive one.
George Lucas has been annoying a lot of people for a while now - ever since he took a steaming shit on his much-loved Star Wars franchise by releasing those bastard prequels.
Previous inane comments made by Lucas include (and I'm paraphrasing here):
But it was this recent comment that made me sweaty with anger:
What exactly didn't Lucas enjoy about Mission Impossible III? The fact that it wasn't completely saturated with unconvincing computer effects? The absence of so-annoying-I want-to-stab-myself-in-the-eyes characters such as Jar Jar Binks? The simple truth that it had a greater amount of action and adventure than the entire prequel trilogy put together?
They've been toying with the idea of a new Indiana film for a few years now. There are two main reasons it has taken this long to come about:
We have a slight problem Mr Lucas. Besides the fact you've lost all of your movie making mojo there is this tiny dilemma:
Again:
You've waited too long to make this film, and now your main actor has a face like an elephant's testicle. By the time the film is finished late next year, Harrison Ford will be 65 years old. Look at this recent photo. Recognise the dirty old man?
The only thing even remotely "action star" of that picture is the slice of lime floating in the bottle of Corona. If you need further evidence that Harrison Ford is too old then look at his Last Crusade performance. Sean Connery played Jones Sr, and he was only 12 years older than Ford. Not a good sign, as Connery is spastically, spastically old. Ford was looking a bit weary in that film, and that was made 17 fucking years ago.
Fuck Indiana Jones IV, there are far more important sequels that need to be made:
Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back - classic fucking films. Raiders of the Lost Ark still stands as one of the greatest adventure films of all time. But somewhere between the early eighties and the new millenium Lucas transformed from a Genius story teller to somebody who truly does not know what an audience wants to see.
Congratulations George Lucas. You are our second winner of the prestigous Neck Up Award, for your borish comments regarding a very decent action film (MI3) when you directed your way through a decade of crap yourself. I will send it directly to your home, please let me know if I have your correct address:
George Lucas has been annoying a lot of people for a while now - ever since he took a steaming shit on his much-loved Star Wars franchise by releasing those bastard prequels.Previous inane comments made by Lucas include (and I'm paraphrasing here):
"Revenge of the Sith is for those who didn't get the first two films."(Implying the reason we didn't enjoy the first two prequels was because we didn't 'get' them, not because they were shite).
"The prequels received poor reviews, but the Star Wars franchise has never been popular with critics."Implying unfair bias by the critics. Even though Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back are two of the most beloved films of all time; Received four or five star ratings from 95% of the critics at the time; and there hasn't been a top 100 list in the last twenty years without at least one of the films making the top five.)
But it was this recent comment that made me sweaty with anger:
"I think Tom Cruise proved that people are getting bored with that kind of stuff. What they want they want to see is something different. And Indiana Jones, if nothing else, is always different."He is of course referring to Mission Impossible III, and in particular it's box office receipts that have fallen well under the predicted block-buster moolah they were expecting. He is telling us Indiana Jones 4 (which is due to start filming next year) is going to be a much better film.
What exactly didn't Lucas enjoy about Mission Impossible III? The fact that it wasn't completely saturated with unconvincing computer effects? The absence of so-annoying-I want-to-stab-myself-in-the-eyes characters such as Jar Jar Binks? The simple truth that it had a greater amount of action and adventure than the entire prequel trilogy put together?
They've been toying with the idea of a new Indiana film for a few years now. There are two main reasons it has taken this long to come about:
1. They couldn't get the team together. Lucas was busy with the Star Wars prequels, Ford was busy churning out forgettable thrillers and Spielberg couldn't unwrap his lips from Tom Hanks' penis long enough to commit to anything.Can you actually believe that second excuse? Lucas is the grand-daddy of the Indiana Jones and he gets final say. However, his gift of story-telling left him long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Anybody who watched the three Star Wars prequels and then listens to Lucas' opinions on the quality of plot mechanisms should be locked up in an asylum. It's like asking Paris Hilton's advice on how not to appear like a vapid slut.
2. A number of scipts were written by various writers, but Lucas was not happy with any of them.
We have a slight problem Mr Lucas. Besides the fact you've lost all of your movie making mojo there is this tiny dilemma:
HARRISON FORD IS TOO FUCKING OLD.
Again:
HARRISON FORD IS TOO FUCKING OLD.
You've waited too long to make this film, and now your main actor has a face like an elephant's testicle. By the time the film is finished late next year, Harrison Ford will be 65 years old. Look at this recent photo. Recognise the dirty old man?
The only thing even remotely "action star" of that picture is the slice of lime floating in the bottle of Corona. If you need further evidence that Harrison Ford is too old then look at his Last Crusade performance. Sean Connery played Jones Sr, and he was only 12 years older than Ford. Not a good sign, as Connery is spastically, spastically old. Ford was looking a bit weary in that film, and that was made 17 fucking years ago.Fuck Indiana Jones IV, there are far more important sequels that need to be made:
Big Trouble in Little China 2To name but a few.
The Last Boyscout 2
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane 2
Evil Dead IV
Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back - classic fucking films. Raiders of the Lost Ark still stands as one of the greatest adventure films of all time. But somewhere between the early eighties and the new millenium Lucas transformed from a Genius story teller to somebody who truly does not know what an audience wants to see.
Congratulations George Lucas. You are our second winner of the prestigous Neck Up Award, for your borish comments regarding a very decent action film (MI3) when you directed your way through a decade of crap yourself. I will send it directly to your home, please let me know if I have your correct address:
Chubby Bearded FuckIn the mean time, go jump in the Sarlaac Pit where you will be slowly digested over the next thousand years. Prick.
Care Of: The Ewok Village
Colorado
posted by Beef at Tuesday, May 23, 2006
4 Comments:
Good post. Lucas has urinated on the corpse of star wars for too long now. The fact I enjoyed these films when I was 9 years old and am now 33 and still love them says something about either my nostalgia or that they could have been good films.
I fell asleep watching the later 'prequels' and even my 6yr old nephew thinks they suck.
As for Indiana jones, its more of a case of Incontient jones and the quest for the colostomy. Give it a rest and retire you fucks.
you said it beef... Lucas you arrogant cock breaker! fuck you and innovations to film making! Take jar jar blinks and shove it in nuns cunt! I still quote empire in my daily life... No one has ever offered to do a Star Wars prequel movie marathon since. cos no one will make it past the opening credits of Phanthom Crap. Stupid chinese sounding viceroy fucker you are.
Beef, quality blogging, but it should be noted that both Connery and Ford are expected (despite all logic) to remain sexy well into their eighties. I would lay money on Sean Connery being sexy for at least a couple years after he dies even. Wait, is that gross? It should also be noted that Mr. Cruise has rapidly declining sexy and will soon be repulsive in a manner akin to Micheal Jackson (a healthy mix of icky and crazy). But I hate George Lucas too.
Mrs. Salt
I refuse to even blow my nose, 'coz mucus sounds too much like George Lucus.
I is hurting.
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