This month in Adelaide
I'm back in London now, so I thought I'd post some of the Adelaide News that occurred in the month I was home.
Explosion on Pirie Street
The central business district was rocked on May 2nd when a Cafe exploded at 3am. The Cafe showered debris over the street, and took out the shoe store located above it. Crime scene investigators found the Shop owner's corpse inside the building. After two days of forensic investigation the police report was released to the public: the owner found inside had died because of the explosion. Basically "the man inside the exploding building died because the building exploded". Thanks for clearing that up CSI:ADELAIDE, here was me thinking the cause of death was Gingivitis.
Still, I guess they had to rule out the possibility that he hadn't been dragged into the builing after the fact. The police didn't rule out foul play completely. Partly because of all the petrol residue found in the building, mostly because the burnt corpse was found with a cigarette lighter welded into it's hand.
Problems for New Airport
Adelaide is one enormous chunk of suburbia. It seemed only natural that IKEA would open one of their enormous cluster fuck stores in the city. Since it has opened, there has been thousands of Adelaideans clambering to the store to get their hands on a ying yang table, or a new Dining set. Unfortunately, some genius of urban planning decided to build the mammoth store right on the exit to the new Airport.
Not only that, but the Petrol Station on the Airport road decided to axe it's prices by 10 cents on the weekend that IKEA opened. The resulting traffic congestion from these dickheaded decisions meant a lot of irate travellers missed their flights.
Besides those fuck-ups, the Airport seems to be running smoothly - though it has come under fire for looking sterile and boring. It looks how a shopping mall would look if you got a bunch of Dentists to design it.
Stormy Summers Unplugged
Adelaide's most famous Madam, Stormy Summers, has caused a stir by granting an interview to the Advertiser. The Heidi Fleiss of South Australia opened up to a local reporter, allowing photos inside Adelaide's most famous Bordello, Stormy's, to be taken for the first time. Besides an unsuccessful bid to run for Mayor, Stormy has revealed that she will be writing her life story to be released next year. I couldn't find a picture of Stormy or her brothel, so I just put one of a midget in a washing machine. I hope you don't mind.
Stormy's will always have a soft spot in my heart. As a Uni Student I used to make ends meet by working as a Pizza Delivery Boy, and the Brothel was one of our best customers. The working girls were charging $50 to their clientele for a half hour frolic, yet would complain about our 2 dollar delivery fee.
God bless those frugal whores.
Explosion on Pirie Street
The central business district was rocked on May 2nd when a Cafe exploded at 3am. The Cafe showered debris over the street, and took out the shoe store located above it. Crime scene investigators found the Shop owner's corpse inside the building. After two days of forensic investigation the police report was released to the public: the owner found inside had died because of the explosion. Basically "the man inside the exploding building died because the building exploded". Thanks for clearing that up CSI:ADELAIDE, here was me thinking the cause of death was Gingivitis.Still, I guess they had to rule out the possibility that he hadn't been dragged into the builing after the fact. The police didn't rule out foul play completely. Partly because of all the petrol residue found in the building, mostly because the burnt corpse was found with a cigarette lighter welded into it's hand.
Problems for New Airport
Adelaide is one enormous chunk of suburbia. It seemed only natural that IKEA would open one of their enormous cluster fuck stores in the city. Since it has opened, there has been thousands of Adelaideans clambering to the store to get their hands on a ying yang table, or a new Dining set. Unfortunately, some genius of urban planning decided to build the mammoth store right on the exit to the new Airport.Not only that, but the Petrol Station on the Airport road decided to axe it's prices by 10 cents on the weekend that IKEA opened. The resulting traffic congestion from these dickheaded decisions meant a lot of irate travellers missed their flights.
Besides those fuck-ups, the Airport seems to be running smoothly - though it has come under fire for looking sterile and boring. It looks how a shopping mall would look if you got a bunch of Dentists to design it.
Stormy Summers Unplugged
Adelaide's most famous Madam, Stormy Summers, has caused a stir by granting an interview to the Advertiser. The Heidi Fleiss of South Australia opened up to a local reporter, allowing photos inside Adelaide's most famous Bordello, Stormy's, to be taken for the first time. Besides an unsuccessful bid to run for Mayor, Stormy has revealed that she will be writing her life story to be released next year. I couldn't find a picture of Stormy or her brothel, so I just put one of a midget in a washing machine. I hope you don't mind.Stormy's will always have a soft spot in my heart. As a Uni Student I used to make ends meet by working as a Pizza Delivery Boy, and the Brothel was one of our best customers. The working girls were charging $50 to their clientele for a half hour frolic, yet would complain about our 2 dollar delivery fee.
God bless those frugal whores.
posted by Beef at Saturday, May 27, 2006
4 Comments:
Adelaide shops explode, beef leaves the country ........ its not rocket science
I was jealous of Shambles, because he got to deliver to Stormy's the most. But I did get to deliver a Pizza to an S&M party in North Adelaide. Gimp masks and everything. For an eighteen year old boy it was a life affirming experience.
It`s true, although little benny the loveliest pizza boy from hell would invariably get lost every time he delivered to a brothel and take about an hour, usually having mysteriously lost the pizza money.
Once I was wlaking into Stormies, looking seriously thirsty after a long night in the kitchen, and holding three two litre bottles of coke for the thirsty cockaholics. As I was waiting to get buzzed in, I saw an attractive blonde smiling at me from the nightclub next door. It wasn`t until the moment I stepped in that i remembered she was a lass I had a big crush on at school. Clearly she thought I was loaded up with sustinance for a long sesh. I was so embarassed that on the way out, i offered her $15.70 in pizza change to crap on my chest, not wanting her to feeel left out.
i didn`t pay her though.
Yeah, one thing I forgot to mention in the article - Stormy's is wedged between two of the most popular night clubs in Adelaide. Not the most discreet location for a Whore-house.
You wander out of the bawdy house after a blumpy, and end up running into a dozen school mates lined up at the club next door. Awkwardly They ask what you've been up to, how your uni studies are going, and why you have whip marks all over your face.
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