Movie Review: 300

Life is tough in Sparta Town.

Nobody knows this better than Leonadis, King and Alpha male of the lands.

Leonidas had a rough upbringing.

His life started the same as every Spartan new-born; checked for deficiencies on the cliff-top of Baby Judgment. If he had even the most minor of flaws, he would have been launched off the cliff to join the tiny skeletons below. (Of course, if the baby survived the 100 metre fall and climbed back up the cliff unaided, he was free to re-enter society).

Luckily for Leonidas, he was a perfectly healthy baby boy and allowed to join Sparta Civilisation.

By the time he was old enough to walk he was being trained in combat.

At the age of seven he was led off into the bad-lands to perform his pilgrimage of Manhood, which for Leonidis included a stand off with the Wolf from Never Ending Story. It was here that young Leo first employed his famous "Narrow the playing field" tactic, by drawing the wolf into a tight Cliff Alcove. This was a game plan that would be utilised to greater effect later in his life. Other activities of his young pilgrimage included brutal fist fights with the other Spartan boys.

Azaria Chamberlain had a smoother childhood than this guy.

But it was all necessary roughness to sculpt a future King of Kings. Leo returned to the city a hardened young man, and continued his Spartan Warrior training. Lessons included opening Beer Bottles with his eye socket, peeling onions without crying, and other Manly activities such as writing Movie reviews on his personal blog.

He grew up to be one tough Hard Core Mother Fucka that’s for sure, and it was just as well, because a giant Persian Army has just rolled into town with Enslavement on their minds.

Of course you don’t spend your entire life training to be a Death Machine, just to end up as some Persian's bitch, and so King Leo opts for War with the invading army.

Due to some Political or Religious slant I wasn’t paying attention to, Leonidas could not take his whole army to war – so only took 300 punters. This, to fight an enemy numbering somewhere in the vicinity of one million.

This put their chances at roughly 3333 to 1, or about the same odds as finding a working ATM in London.

A poorly balanced war indeed, but Leonadis wasn’t put off by this. In fact, the extreme scenario gave him a throbbing erection. For one thing, he has the perfect Battlfield worked out. A narrow cliff top that favours his lower numbered army. Secondly, the 300 guys he had put together were the toughest of the tough. War-machines bred for fighting, a battalion so manly that they refused to wear any armour save for a helmet, cape and a pair of Speedos. But when every man in your team is ripped as fuck, who needs Chest-Plates anyway?


The Spartans are a well oiled team. And when I first saw the superbly tanned musclemen ripping across the sand in their red capes and Speedos, I couldn’t help but think to myself "Wow. So this is what Baywatch would be like if it was filmed on Superman’s home planet".

But it was also a bit of a downer. Every character in the film (man, woman and child) had rock hard Abs of Destruction, and I could feel every square centimetre of my beer Gut while I sat through the two hour film. When I got home from the Cinema I decided that I wanted a Sparta Physique and sat down and did a thousand sit-ups. (I passed out at sit-up number 12, but whose counting?)

Christ enough Jabber already, is the film any good?

Well, yeah, it is. Surprisingly so – there has been so many CGI Battle epics in the last few years it is easy to get jaded at the idea of another one. But you won’t find any elves or Jedi in this romp. This is a Heavy Metal blood and guts free for all, complete with multiple slow motion beheadings and bodies that pile up to the heavens.

The vastly outnumbered Spartans put up an awe-inspiring front, coming face to face with soldiers, Ninjas, Elephants and a whole slew of freaky mutants.

And the sheer strength of the Enemy Army’s numbers makes for some epic scenes. When the Persians threaten to blot out the sun with their arrows, they aren’t speaking metaphorically. They really blot out the sun with their arrows. As in literally. As in I couldn’t see the sun, because of all the fuckin’ arrows.

It’s also some pretty Kooky fun, as they have stayed Loyal to Frank Miller’s original Graphic Novel characters, no matter how wacky the characters are. So we are left with a hunchback with an eyeball the size of a grape-fruit, and the Persian King Xerxes who I am conservatively estimating at nine foot tall. Xerxes declares himself a God in the film, and he is definitely one of the gayest looking Gods to grace the silver screen:


If I had one gripe, it’s a touch long, and that’s due to the story. The original Graphic Novel never returned to Sparta once the boys hit the road – and the film makers have padded the movie with extra plot scenes to give the film more depth. They would have been better off leaving the flick as a 90 minute Carnage Circus, because the Sparta scenes look a little pedestrian like they are from a TV show.

Fuck it, a minor gripe because the film is a blast. Minimal concentration needed for a Maximal Visceral Slaughter-fest, it’s perfect entertainment for a Sunday Afternoon hangover (I actually saw it with a Monday Afternoon Hangover).

You may read some poor reviews due to the film's wayward take on History, but who the fuck wants Historical Accuracy anyway? Historians have scientific proof that Cleopatra was a Hideous Wretch. Who the fuck wants to watch that?

Fuck the History Egg-heads, the film is more fun than an Epileptic Hooker.

Go watch it.