Take the Day Off to J Off
Happy Valentine’s Day, Fuckers.
A whole day dedicated to romance.
I woke up today to find a gift waiting for me outside my front door. My heart went all a flutter, as I naturally assumed it was a present from a secret admirer. Imagine my disappointment when I opened the box and there were no chocolates inside it. Just a dead rat with “You’re Next” written on it.
Fucking Landlord, I wish he’d stop leaving shit like that on my door step. He’s been a bit “tetchy” since I missed that rent payment. Bah, he’ll get over it.
More importantly – today is the day to express your love for that special somebody in your life. Your Husband/ Wife/ Girlfriend/ Boyfriend/ Dog corpse you keep in the freezer and fuck on weekends. Failing that, it is the perfect time to let that “friend” of yours know that you want to take the relationship a step further. Or maybe give a card to somebody you barely even know - but want to shag.
However, there will be a few of you out there that don’t fall into any of those categories. Those forlorn, loveless vagabonds. Those beggars on the streets of love. I read an article on the MSN homepage today “10 tips for coping with Valentine’s Day” - which was basically a list of things that single people can do to cope with the “loneliness and frustration” of the romantic holiday.
These MSN articles are written by bored housewives and are 90% useless. So I scrapped the list and created my own. It should be easy to remember, it’s a very compact list of suggestions – perfect for coping with any feelings of loneliness and frustration this day may bring:
And that completes the list. Yes kids, it’s truly that simple. When you get home from work tonight just belt one out.
We all know who could be watching.
A whole day dedicated to romance.I woke up today to find a gift waiting for me outside my front door. My heart went all a flutter, as I naturally assumed it was a present from a secret admirer. Imagine my disappointment when I opened the box and there were no chocolates inside it. Just a dead rat with “You’re Next” written on it.
Fucking Landlord, I wish he’d stop leaving shit like that on my door step. He’s been a bit “tetchy” since I missed that rent payment. Bah, he’ll get over it.
More importantly – today is the day to express your love for that special somebody in your life. Your Husband/ Wife/ Girlfriend/ Boyfriend/ Dog corpse you keep in the freezer and fuck on weekends. Failing that, it is the perfect time to let that “friend” of yours know that you want to take the relationship a step further. Or maybe give a card to somebody you barely even know - but want to shag.
However, there will be a few of you out there that don’t fall into any of those categories. Those forlorn, loveless vagabonds. Those beggars on the streets of love. I read an article on the MSN homepage today “10 tips for coping with Valentine’s Day” - which was basically a list of things that single people can do to cope with the “loneliness and frustration” of the romantic holiday.
These MSN articles are written by bored housewives and are 90% useless. So I scrapped the list and created my own. It should be easy to remember, it’s a very compact list of suggestions – perfect for coping with any feelings of loneliness and frustration this day may bring:
1. MASTURBATE
And that completes the list. Yes kids, it’s truly that simple. When you get home from work tonight just belt one out.
Guys – Think of something sexy to get you in the mood, such as Cheer Leaders, Guns - or even better – Cheer Leaders with Guns. Grab a box of tissues, drop your pants, and rub out a few knuckle children.Enjoy the day all of you couples and young lovers out there. For those loveless single people reading - If you are going to utilise my suggestion, just be wary where you do it.
Ladies - You require a more romantic setting to get you in the mood. So pour yourself a hot bath, put on Hanson’s new CD, light some candles and climb in to the warm water. For some mental stimulation, think of somebody sexy like Tom Selleck or Richard Grieco. Then grab your bean, and START FLICKING.
We all know who could be watching.
posted by Beef at Wednesday, February 14, 2007
16 Comments:
Spamtastic. You really need word verification for your blog.
What sor tof same is baiyunlong anyway?
Happy Valentines Day you old fuck.
Thanks to you I have Jenny Morris's "Beggar On the Street Of Love" stuck in my head (I owned the cassingle) and a mental image of Richard Greico's eyebrows.
Spamtastic. You really need word verification for your blog.
What sor tof same is baiyunlong anyway?
Happy Valentines Day you old fuck.
Thanks to you I have Jenny Morris's "Beggar On the Street Of Love" stuck in my head (I owned the cassingle) and a mental image of Richard Greico's eyebrows.
Shit.
That was me that posted the last 2 comments.
I am a fucktard.
Shit.
That was me that posted the last 2 comments.
I am a fucktard.
Ha. Do not press enter twice, TWICE
I'm bored stupid with the spammers so I've started deleting them. So goodbye, Baiyunlong.
I've found that when you make a change to a post and refresh it (such as going back and putting the word "masturbate" in a larger bolder font) then a spammer hits your blog with a comment. I updated the Valentine's post four times, and at the finish I had four spam comments. I started deleting them yesterday, but then the Blogger Server died (coz it's a chunk of shit) and so had to finish deleting them today. (After buying five sets of viagra online, and some new fireplace equipment.)
In hindsight, I think I wrote the whole Valentine's Day post just to squeeze in a "Flicking the Bean" reference.
We were long overdue.
i am the real anonymous
who is this anonymous copycat
Sorry anonymous Jimmy, it was me. I did not mean to steal your fabulous thunder, just had an itchy trigger finger.
Beef, I really admire your dedication to the bean flicking cause.
Move over to Wordpress. Is nicer.
I thought it was you on the first few anonymous comments Lala, the "you old fuck" statement gave you away.
It's harder when my Adelaide mates comment anonymously, because they are all equally insane. I can't tell them apart.
Wordpress does sound pretty good. Better than blogspot. Hell, there was a time when I would build a web site from scratch using just Notepad.
But London life sucks all of my energy and spare time like some kind of transdimensional Mosquito Demon - and so I won't be making the move any time soon.
The Bean Flicking Cause is an important movement, I've been a solider fighting for it for years.
And by "movement", I mean up and down, or clockwise. Whatever floats your boat.
And by "boat", I mean little bald guy in the Kanoo.
I'm going to typing stop now.
And by "Kanoo", I mean "Canoe".
I spelt it with a K coz I'm all Gangsta and shit.
Not because I can't spell.
Oh dear, that must mean I call you an old fuck regularly. I really should apologise, because I don't think you are really an old fuck.
As (I think) you are younger than me you are really not old. And you are not really a fuck per say either.
From now on I am going to call you Stra8 Up Bif (because you are gangsta and all all) or maybe just Uncle Beef.
Oh dear, that must mean I call you an old fuck regularly. I really should apologise, because I don't think you are really an old fuck.
As (I think) you are younger than me you are really not old. And you are not really a fuck per say either.
From now on I am going to call you Stra8 Up Bif (because you are gangsta and all all) or maybe just Uncle Beef.
This virtual sexual tension is driving me nuts lie a steering wheel in the groin.
Valentines post is perfect opportunity to suggest lala and beef give up bean flicking and getting caught by ceiling cat - and take it to the next level.
I vote flirty emails followed by fax photocopis of your uglies to each other.
Where is desiree? She might get jealous?
Can we have a user poll?
Identity theft is a crime. I will find these imposter anonymouses who have been goig through my trah and hacking my computer and steal my anonymity back.
Anonymous, you need to get out more.
This is the innernet. No one needs to fax shit anymore.
i say we get lala, desiree and simey in the same kitchen and see which one of the girls likes the cat dance/song the best! nobody but beef will get that. da da dum MEOW!
But I need Muel for the cat dance, and he's in a prison cell in Jakarta.
Anyway, last time we did the Kitchen Cat dance, the ceiling caved in.
:(
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