Harry Potter and the Exposed Happy Sack

There’s a controversial new play showing at London’s West End called Equus, which stars Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe in the lead role. The play includes full frontal nudity from young Radcliffe - That’s right, Hogwart’s star pupil is going to rock out, with his cock out.

A spokesperson for the play said that having a famous child star appear naked on stage has drawn new crowds to the theatre. And I have to agree, because those old guys in trench coats lining up to by tickets - they’re not usually part of the theatre-going demographic.

Equus tells the story of a psychiatrist who gets involved with a disturbed young man who is sexually excited by riding horses, and is also guilty of blinding six of those horses with a metal spike.

I put emphasis on the word disturbed, because getting naked and torturing farm animals is not normal teenage behaviour, no matter what anyone from Port Adelaide tells you.

The Horses will be played by actors wearing metal masks. A shame, as it would have been entertaining to have a bunch of real horses up on stage. Even better idea – hiring actors who actually look like Horses. Who doesn’t want to watch Sarah Jessica parker or Celine Dion get stabbed in the face?

For those of you who still haven’t got the gist of what this play’s plot is, here it is again in layman’s terms: Equus has Radcliffe wandering around with his cock hanging out stabbing Horses in the eyes AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT PEOPLE IS THIS WHAT COUNTS AS LEGITIMATE THEATRE THESE DAYS?

What happened to the days of Cats and Starlight Express? Now we need Bestiality Torture Porn in order for the crowds to think it’s edgy and artsy enough. Although to be accurate, the play isn’t recent – it was actually written in 1973. But those were fucked up times in Earth’s history, and the only good thing that came out of the 1970s, was me.

I spoke to a friend who went to see Equus, and she told me that she spent most of the show crying. Not because the play was moving, but because she was in the front row and her eyes were stinging with Harry Potter’s nut-sack sweat.

Fuck this play.

If the crowds are gagging for nudity and violence, then here’s a better play I just came up with:

“Stabarella”

A quick synopsis:

Stabarella, a milk maid from the Swiss Alps, walks out on stage and drinks half a carton of Kronenbourg. Then she strips naked and spends the rest of the play’s running time stabbing Vampires and Robots in the face with her magical Pitchfork. During the intermission, a Panda will roller-skate on to the stage holding a sparkler in each paw, and Tequila will spray out of the Theatre’s sprinkler system into the crowd while a Sumo Wrestler walks up and down the Aisles playing Enter Sandman on an Accordion. Because if you’re going to make a Bat Shit crazy play people, you might as well pull out all the fucking stops.

Fuck Equus. To think plays like that are showing to sell out crowds, while crucial shows like this one get cancelled.

It’s Criminal.


UPDATE 12/03/07: For further proof that you don't need an eye full of Potter's Vas deferens to warrant compelling theatre, click here. The full name of the play is in the third paragraph, and it is quite possibly the greatest title to ever grace a Marquee.