Swede Jesus

I got to work the other day to find an ominous pdf file waiting for me in my Inbox.

"Campbell’s Essential Notes to Footy" the title barked at me. I opened the document with a mixture of excitement, and cold hard fear.

As it turns out, our mate Magic had recently joined an Aussie Rules Club in Strasbourg; and Campbell in his infinite wisdom decided to scribble down eleven crucial laws of Football in a notebook (complete with Stick Figure diagrams), and then scan said pages and send them to Magic, as well as a select few others.

I was one of those lucky few. I printed the document out, read it thoroughly, then put it in a safety deposit box so that I could one day pass it on to my Grandchildren. The document is too dangerous for me to reproduce in it’s entirety online, so I will just quote Rules 8 and 9 which were two of my favourites:

8. There must always be a carton of beer in the change rooms for the end of the match.
9. If your eyes aren’t watering, there is not enough Deep Heat in the rooms.

Inspiring stuff, and a pressing reminder that the 2007 Football Season is now upon us – Round One kicks off today.

Unfortunately, I am stuck on the other side of the world to my Southern brothers, so I wont be joining them at AAMI stadium for random yelling and plastic cups of West End Draught.

But don’t you fear, gentle readers, as I’ll be getting my Footy fix at Clapham Common tomorrow afternoon. The Wandsworth Demons will be playing a practice match against the Landskrona Bulldozers, a team from Sweden. I hadn’t heard of this team, so decided to do a little investigating on the web. Wikipedia had this to say:

"The Bulldozers were formed in 2006 and are playing in the Skåne local league.
Their principle claim to fame is that they have the worst guernseys in the history of Australian Rules Football. A fine concoction of green, blue, pink, orange and brown. Vomit-inducing at best."

Wow. What a fucking lunatic choice of colors. This discovery only inflamed my curiosity, so I decided to investigate all four teams of the Skane League. Apologies for the miniature size of the pictures, that’s how big they were on the site I ripped them from.

LANDSKRONA BULLDOZERS

Our little vomit inducers, whose team emblem is a Bulldozer proudly displaying both the team’s gorgeous colours, and their long proud history (Est 2005). That’s what happens to a vehicle when you let Hunter S Thompson paint it.

GV REBELS

A pretty decent team emblem consisting of two crossed pistols, brought to life in furious gold against a shocking purple background. Once again a psychotic choice of colours. You haven’t lived until you’ve eaten a jar of Magic Mushrooms and watched Landskrona play the GV Rebels. Supposedly it resembles a rainbow getting gang raped by other rainbows. Or something.

MALMO RED EYES

The Port Malmo team likes to play Footy, and apparently worship the Norse God of Conjunctivitis on their days off. A football shaped eyeball, fuck what a creepy emblem. It reminds me of that glowing eye monster that perved on Frodo and Bilbo in Lord of the Rings.

HELSINBORG WEST RAPTORS

Last but not least, the Helsinborg Raptors. Their emblem consisting of a Raptor plucking a footy out of the air. Except not really.

I’m no expert on Paleontology, but I have seen all three Jurassic Park movies, and I’m pretty sure that’s not a fucking Raptor. In fact, I’m dead certain it’s a fucking Pterodactyl. Oh well.

And that’s the Skane league. My god, what lunacy. With only four teams in the league, they could have easily gone with a simple selection of colours and emblems. Instead, they decided on a magical fucked up mystery tour of Demons and Sorcery.

I wouldn’t be surprised if there was no actual Football involved at all, and the Skane league consisted of a bunch of dudes kicking a Kinder Surprise around inside a Sauna.

The poor bastards have been surrounded by Gorgeous Swedish women for so long that they have all lost their fucking minds. God bless the Skane Aussie Rules League.