Six Pack - 4th July

The Quarter finals finished on Sunday, another team has dropped out of the Shoddy race:

THIRD PLACE: ENGLAND

The bronze medal for the Shoddy Six Pack has now been handed out, and it lands on the necks of England. The Poms lost in a penalty shootout with Portugal, the same team that knocked them out of the European Cup two years ago. A shame, I would have liked to see them in the final. But Even if they had won this game, they would have gone on to face a strong sided France without stars Beckham (injured ankle), Rooney (red carded for nut stomping) or John Terry (Second yellow card). Once again England has dropped out of the World Cup, and again their final accomplishments do not match their fine talents. They are forging a reputation as the great Football Underacheivers.

There has been much heated discussion over Rooney's red card, and the controversy over his Manchester United team-mate Christiano Ronaldo's involvement. I know I'm new to Soccer, but personally I think the rules are too fucking subjective. The referees say is final, cannot be appealed in the World Cup - and yet how many poor calls have happened in this one Cup alone? For a sport as low scoring as this, a penalty or red card can cost a team the game. If the ref doesn't have a clear view of the incident, then fuck it, he gives the player who dived the benifit of the doubt. But I'll end that rant there, coz Soccer Diving is getting it's own article very soon.

David Beckham had to pull out because of an ankle injury, and spent the rest of the game sobbing in the stands. On Monday he announced his retirement as captain after the loss, unsuccessfully trying to hold back the tears. Personally I hate seeing grown men cry. It's like seeing a lizard with pubic hair, it just doesn't seem right. I haven't cried since I was six years old - I fell off the top of a two storey barn, and got speared through the abdomen with a pitch fork. I let a few tears flow and felt like an utter wuss for doing so.

Weepy Beckham stated that although he has given up the captaincy, he would continue to play for England as a midfielder. And when his playing days come to an end, his model looks could land him in many lucrative television commentary deals. It's just a shame that he has the voice of a ten year old boy whose nuts are caught in a trampoline spring.

Beckham's departure as captain has left the door open for other players to fill the role. The most likely contender is John Terry:

He has experience as the captain of champion side Chelsea, and is well known for his motivational speeches.

The least likely contender is Benny Hill:

He doesn't play on the England side. And he's dead.

The Final Two

Germany were evenly matched with Argentina, and a final 1 all draw led to a penalty kick off. I sat on the edge of my seat during the entire shoot out. Partly because it was so intense, mainly because the pub's couch had vomit on the cushions. Germany came through victorious.

Italy sent the Ukraine packing with a 3 - 0 win. 3 nil is not a score you see every day in Soccer, in fact it's a pretty fucking huge win. It's the equivalent to a Basketball team winning 320 - 15, or a baseball player hitting a homerun using his dick as the bat.

Of most interest to this blog, the final two Shoddy Six Pack teams will be playing each other tonight:

In just a matter of hours we will have our inaugural Six Pack Winner, an accolade so intense that I mentioned it to a woman in the park today, and she got so excited she threw her baby in the lake. Crazy bitch.