Neck Up - Keira Knightley

The Shoddy Six Pack is over, the World Cup is over, and the evaporation of football fever means that business returns to normal here at the Shoddy Blog. Back to the Movie reviews, British lessons and Ozi's favourite: The Neck Up Awards.

Less than a month ago I touted Ronaldo as losing his ability to win Football matches, two days later he scored two goals to win a game against Japan. Rest assured, I felt kinda silly.

So to rub ointment on my erroneous wounds I'm going to point out somewhere where I was correct. Back in the second British lesson totty I referred to Keira Knightley as a "scrawny hag", mainly due to the bitterness of her beating Keeley Hazell in the FHM top 100. My words rang true, if anything it was a bit of an understatement. Check out the red carpet premiere of Pirates of the Caribbean 2:

When I first saw this photo, I assumed the film starred C3-PO has a bullimic transvestite. Mild horror washed over me when I realised it was in fact the movie's starlet, Keira Knightley. I wasn't the only one, in fact anybody with the gift of sight who saw Keira questioned if she had developed an eating disorder. KK had this to say:

"I've got a lot of experience with anorexia. My grandmother and great-grandmother suffered from it. And I had a lot of friends at school who suffered from it. So I know that it's not something to be taken lightly and I don't. But I don't have it, I am very sure of that."

Anorexia runs in my family, I'm a physical wreck, why is everybody worried. It's the whole Calista Flockhart syndrome. Lose a dangerous amount of weight, reduce yourself to near skeletal proportions, then spend every waking moment whining of how "There's nothing wrong with my weight", "I'm not anorexic, stop saying I am" and "No, you can't scrub your washing against my ribs". Posh Spice went down this path not that long ago, and more recently Nicole Ritchie has joined the ranks of the Calorie challenged. But she's a stupid bitch so doesn't really count.

The main crow squawk of these Praying Mantids (yes, that's the plural) is the whole "I'm happy with my weight". The problem though is that the rest of the world is not. What did Flockhart get up to after Ally MacBeal wrapped? Sweet Fuck All. Becuase nobody wants to see a romantic comedy starring a concentration camp victim. I know Keira is the "it" girl at the moment, but unless X-Men 4 requires a british actress to play the "Mutant Tape Worm Girl" I honestly can't picture the casting agents rushing to her door.

It's tedious if nothing else, but it's also quite dangerous. The worst thing is that there are thousands of young girls who look up to people like this. Perfectly healthy normal women who think they have to starve themselves to emulate these skin bags. Quite irresponisble of Miss Knightley if you ask me.

In last years Domino, Keira's character was reffered to having the body of a 15 year old boy. She's lost at least 5 kilos since then. Fuck, these days she's so skinny she has to run around in the shower to get wet.

I'm no expert on women's fashion (I'd be a fag if I was), but I'm pretty sure if you're going to starve yourself to the point where Oskar Schindler is offering to buy you cheese burgers, you shouldn't be wearing a frontless-backless dress. Coming under fire for showing so much of her emancipated flesh, Knightley had this to say:

"I figured it was hot outside and if you can't wear a dress like this on a day like today, then when can you?"

I know it's a rhetorical question you skinny bitch, but I have an answer anyway:

FOR YOUR NEXT ROLE AS AN ETHIPOIAN DRAG QUEEN.

Neck up you fucking stick insect.