Short n Sweet

So I worked the midnight shift, got to bed at 9am – slept for four hours, then got up to go watch PAC Old Scholars play Fitzroy in the Div 4 match up. It was a decent match resulting in PAC defeating the until then undefeated Fitzroy. This was followed by a solid drinking session at the Alma. At one point I was drinking with my old man, Stranger, my old flat mate Jimmy and the former Crows captain Mark Ricciutto. I would be hard pressed to form a more random collection of drinking partners.

Dad and I got home at 10pm, and I have to say that getting tanked and then sitting down for a family meal is an interesting experience. I had a tentative plan to return to the Alma for further drinking with Jimmy, but the day’s events have gotten the better of me. I’m posting this write up, then I am going to crash like a mother fucker. Good night.

Busy Days

Its been a viscously busy week at work, and I think it finally took its toll as I crashed until about 2pm today. I spent a few hours walking around Norwood, had dinner with the parents, then went and watched the Sturt vs Norwood game at the oval with my old man (Sturt won by 46 points). In a couple of hours I’ll head into work for a midnight shift, get home at about 8:30am and sleep for about four hours before heading off to watch another Footy match with the old man. Not sure what Saturday evening holds me for yet, hopefully it wont be too hectic because I have to get up Sunday morning for a few beers with the boys before heading off to watch the Crows game.

Christ, my life has become a whirlpool of beers, work and live football (I’ll have seen three matches live in 67 hours by late Sunday afternoon), with the odd bit of late night gambling thrown in for measure.

The end result is that I haven’t had time to clear the backlog of posts I was hoping to finish for May-hem (Golden Goose list and top 15 of 2008 amongst others), so there’ll be about half a dozen posts trickling into June.

I must say I haven’t done too badly this time round, for those paying attention I’ve only been late twice (both Saturdays), and will probably miss another deadline by Monday morning.

But thems the breaks.

And now, here's Rambo with the weather

We’ll take a break for lists for one day, as I worked late tonight, and then the boys and I hit the Casino for an hour, and then I stopped for a Guinness at the Irish pub near my house. What I’m getting at is that I’m not drunk, but I am tired as all hell – so I’ll reconvene the Golden Goose list tomorrow (as it takes some concentration) and post a quick film related update instead.

Most people sputtered in their beers when they heard Sylvester Stallone was making a fourth Rambo film, a good two decades after Rambo 3, and casting himself in the titular role even though he was 62. But, by gosh, made the film he did –and though it didn’t wow the critics (personally I thought it was pretty good), the film made some decent coin.

Movie sequels are as resilient as cockroaches, yet still I was surprised to see this on IMDB.Com (mainly considering the fact that Stallone will literally be a senior citizen when it is made):


IMBD.Com’s (kinda vague) plot synopsis:

Rumors say the script will follow the original one written by Stallone for Rambo (2008), in which Rambo finds out he has a daughter and she has been kidnapped by a hostile cult, from which Rambo must rescue her. There are also rumors about Rambo V being in Africa.

Stallone’s career thrived on his Rambo roles in the 80s, and was revived with the 21st century sequel. Kinda ironic when you consider the fact that Rambo didn’t survive the story arc of First Blood in the original novel. An ending they actually shot:



In a twist of fate, the Hollywood powers that be decided to change the ending for a more upbeat one, and an iconic (and seemingly endless) film series was born. Life is strange like that.

I’ll leave you with this quote from Wikipedia:

“…in an interview with Metro magazine, Stallone said that he was "half-way through" writing Rambo V and that it would not be another war movie…”

”Not another war movie”….huh? A romantic comedy perhaps? A musical? A clay animated story about a turtle with Down Syndrome that learns to rollerskate?

Wikipedia provides more clues:

On February 4, 2009, Sylvester Stallone quoted, "Yeah, we are doing another Rambo, but the conflict is whether to do it in America or Australia."

Once again: Huh?

Anyway, I’ll keep an eye out kids, and if I spot Stallone on the streets of Adelaide, I’ll let you know.

Golden Goose List part I

(Another set of posts from the backlog)

I’ve been jerking off into your eyes over my favourite films of 2006 and 2007 (the 2008 list will be up next week), so it is high time for me to spit venom instead of heap praise, and introduce you to

THE 2007 GOLDEN GOOSE LIST

The following ten films aren’t the worst of 2007, hell some are actually quite watchable, but they are the films that pissed me off the most. These are ten Blockbusters that took a good thing (such as a great cast, a great story, or a great franchise) and ruined it with Hollywood sewerage. Because of the obscene amount of money thrown at these projects these films aren’t just goosed, they’re Golden Goosed.

Its true that cinema is an art, not a science, so mistakes will be made. It is also true, though, that cinema has been around for over a century – and mistakes should be learnt by other people’s failures, not repeated ad nauseum. I’ll point these out throughout the list.

I’ll also explain why it was such a shame that the film was fucked up, and I’ll outline an example of “unnecessary CGI” in each movie. Special Effects should be seamless, and it makes me grind my teeth in rage when a distracting computer generated shot is used, instead of a stuntman or model effect.

These films aren’t rated on quality, but on how badly they fucked up a sure thing.

Onto the first three:


10. Shrek the Third

Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas all take a break from their shitty acting careers to do voice overs for an unnecessary sequel, and get paid a bastardload of cash for doing so.


Why was it Goosed?

I didn’t mind the first Shrek, and was happy to sit through the second – but felt that the characters had done their dash by the finish. The first two films made too much money for there not to be a third.

Shrek feels like an awkward fish out of water in the refined Royal City. Donkey has a weird relationship with a Dragon. Puss in Boots is an amusingly smooth debonair. There are plenty of OMG LOLZ moments, as recognisable pop culture icons get a medieval slant. The central theme is to believe in yourself, and take strength in your friendships. This is the synopsis of Shrek 2. Unfortunately, it is also the synopsis of Shrek the Third.

Enjoy your plate of reheated leftover shit-casserole, kids.

Unnecessary CGI moment:

The whole film is an unnecessary CGI moment.

Lesson not learnt?

If you’re going to make a sequel, introduce new themes and ideas to keep it fresh.

Which could have been learnt from watching:

Home Alone was a previous popular family entertainment franchise, that decided to rehash the old story with Home Alone 3. The film is considered dog piss.

Such a Shame:

There are other animated films more deserving of a sequel. I would have rather seen a Toy Story 3 (actually now in production), or an Incredibles 2 before a third Shrek film.

Critic Quote:

“(Shrek the Third) suffers from that common virus, sequelitis - the ennui that afflicts blockbusters when they've outlived their capacity to amuse.” - Sydney Morning Herald

Please Sir, I want no more:

This series is dead in the water….artistically wise, but it still makes those souless cocksuking Dreamworks Executives a shit load of cash. The McDonald’s Happy Meal toy rights alone have the accountants spraying the inside of their jocks with thrust dust.

Shrek Goes Fourth will be out in 2010.



9. Rush Hour 3

Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker team up and fight Triads in Paris.

Um, yeah.


Why was it Goosed?

To keep the series fresh, they relocated the characters to the complete “fish out of water” setting of Paris, but then didn’t bother to create any decent humour or stunts.

I can’t understand what went wrong with the script – the film was written by the brilliant Jeff Nathanson whose past credits include the exquisite Speed 2: Cruise Control, and whose future credits would include the magnificent Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. What a complete and utter genius.

Unnecessary CGI moment:

Any action scene involving CGI and stunt men in the place of Jackie Chan. Chan refused to use wire work, stunt men or computer effects for his stunt work for the first three decades of his film making career. Then he whored himself out to Hollywood (where actor insurance is a little different to Hong Kong). Quite depressing really.

Lesson not learnt?

Taking actors who are a little long in the tooth, to play characters they are bored of playing, in a series of uninspired over the top stunts – is generally not a great idea.

Could have been learnt from watching:

Lethal Weapon 4

Such a Shame:

The first two Rush Hour films are hardly the lofty peaks of cinema perfection, but they are enjoyable action romps – the kind of fare you could happily veg out in front of on a Monday night after work. The third film tarnishes this ethic.

Critic Quote:

“Rush Hour 3 is an awkward Greatest Hits Reunion Show, and neither one of them seem up to the task. Tucker's character is irrational and irritating (imagine biting on a sheet of aluminium foil). Chan still does some of his own stunts, but he's 53 now and some of the stunts he does cause more concern than wonderment.”

- Urban Cinefile

Please Sir, I want no more:

There was talk of a fourth film set in Moscow, but I think this series might be (thankfully) dead in the water. There was a six year gap between Rush Hour 2 and 3, so they’d be lucky to squeeze out a number 4 before Jackie Chan hits his 60’s.

Not that Chris Tucker has anything better to do. Check out a decade of his career from IMDB.Com:




8. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Johnny Depp is the lovable rogue Jack Sparrow, “Orlando Bloom” sounds like a fragrance of feminine deodorant – but is in fact the name of that guy from Lord of the Rings, and Keira Knightley is a castrated cabin boy (in real life, can’t remember what character she plays in the film).


Why was it Goosed?

Pirates took the simple nautical fantasy of the first film, and somehow mashed it into an overlong mulit-plotline mess. Sometimes exciting, but mostly confusing or boring.

Lesson not learnt?

Shooting back to back sequels that choose style over substance, and take a convoluted story line and drench it with over the top special effects is generally not a good idea.

Which could have been learnt from watching:

The Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions

Unnecessary CGI moment:

Those breathtaking shots of a REAL pirate Ship sailing on a REAL Ocean captivated viewers the first time round. Those have been replaced by a confusing multiple Pirate Ship fight in the middle of a Whirlpool, that is so unconvincingly computer generated I swear I saw Max Headroom board one of the boats.



Such a Shame:

Jack Sparrow is one of the best film characters created in recent memory. Highly amusing. Well, he was in The Curse of the Black Pearl. I loved him in that film, but was sick of him by the time we hit World’s End.

Critic Quote:

”Interminable, with more plot lines than pirates, this is a mix of theatrical bravura, magical special effects and tedium... a journey on a tempestuous ocean with mountainous highs and fathomless lows. I was confused, enthralled, dazzled and bored.” – Urban Cinefile

Please Sir, I want no more:

There is a fourth Pirates film planned – this time dumping all of the extraneous characters and concentrating on Jack Sparrow. His adventures may swap from the Supernatural to Science Fiction, by taking a flying ship to the stars.

I’m indifferent about this project, though I will admit there is still life in the character, provided they don’t take a big oily shit all over it like they did with World’s End.

Coincidence

If you recall the Victorian Bushfire post I wrote back in February, midway through the article I went on a mild tangent about Dowling and myself looking after a Koala that had been hit by a car (this happened about six years ago). I wrote to Dowling after finishing the “Burnt” article in February, regarding a name for the creature:

FROM: Beef
TO: Dowling

Remeber that Koala we found that had been hit by the car?

We never named it.

What should we call him?



FROM: Dowling
TO: Beef

Wayne Carbashameface

It seems a little extravagant for an animal’s name (I was thinking more along the lines of “Coco” or “Felix”), but fuck it, it’s as good as name as any.

The reason I am brining all of this up, is that a few weeks ago Dowling and I were driving around the foothills at about 2am, when we came to the realization that this was the same road and the same time of night when we found the injured Koala around the corner. In one of life’s creepier moments, we turned the corner to find a Koala sitting in the exact same fucking spot we had found Wayne.

This Koala wasn’t injured though, it was just sitting in the middle of the road looking bored. It didn’t seem scared of us, or bothered at all for that matter - even when we started to shove it to get it off the road. Eventually it crawled onto the footpath, and ran off into the darkness. Though ran is probably the wrong verb here. Koalas are slow and goofy looking as fuck when they move, if you can imagine a fat toad that had its ankles hobbled by Kathy Bates, then you are not far off. We watched him hobble off for about five minutes (in which he had made about three metres progress, no wonder these poor bastards rarely survive bush fires), before getting bored and deciding to leave.

To our shock the Koala had just been a diversion, and a herd of Emus carjacked us.

No, just kidding about the Emus – but all of that shit about the Koala was true. I wonder if it had been the same one, the infamous Wayne Carbashameface. A Koala’s lifespan is somewhere between 13-18 years, so who knows, it could have been. We don’t get too many Koalas in the suburbs.

Here is a sketch I did for your convenience of the Koala sitting on the road, as I know there are still a few of you who think a “Koala” is “some kind of flying lizard”:

Contradiction

I’ll eat almost anything. I’m very fond of Oysters, Lobster, Caviar, extremely spicy curries, and was never happier than when I was in China eating pig’s ears, duck’s tongues and snake. I am looking forward to trying Spider in Cambodia one day.

I hate Cucumber and any kind of melon. These foods are mostly water, stupid I know – but I really can’t stand them.




This is one of my all time favourite films:



So is this:




I like reading books on Philosophy: Wittgenstein, Sartre, Kierkegaard, etc. I’m currently reading a book on Existentialism that is kicking my arse.

I also like reading Battle Pope.




I can remember the names of Actors, Directors and Writers of films I haven’t even seen.

I don’t know my mobile number off by heart, even though I have had it six months. I don’t have high hopes though, my last phone I had for three years and didn’t know the number.



I have indulged in dozens of spirits and a few hundred beers in my life, and pretty much had a session on every kind of cocktail and shot a bar can serve.

Up until recently, I have avoided wine like the plague – having gotten sick on it in 1995, and then never touching it again until earlier this year.



I'm a contradictory man.

The merry go round just broke down

One of the repercussions of taking a month off booze, was that it left me feeling healthier – but a little restless and thirsty for a big night out. That came into full effect on Saturday: I had my first beer at the Crows game at 1:30pm, my last Bourbon at 5:30am at the Casino. A burning desire to keep drinking had me dragging my cohort Stranger round the West End looking for our next venue. Luckily the pubs and clubs were either shut, not letting people new people in (wise decision at that hour), or disallowing us in because of dress code (confusingly, Stranger wasn’t allowed into the Dog and Duck because he had boots on. He exchanged words with the bouncer, before finishing the conversation with ”Well I hope your parents die” which I thought was a bit harsh). We settled for egg and bacon McMuffins at the Hindley Street McDonalds. My desire to fight the dying of the light was spurned on by a Casino win, a wad of cash was burning a hole in my drunken pocket for most of the night. I had sat down to play three card poker with $50, got down to my last fiver – then walked away with just under a grand. Stanger had won himself $850 on Black Jack. We never win when we play sober.

In all it was a drinking fair session, especially considering I had a cold, and it was a school night. I got home at 6:30am, slept for four hours (fully dressed with shoes on of course) then got up and dived head first into the busiest fucking day of work I’ve seen this year. I crawled out of work at 10:45pm a broken man.

I vaguely remember the idea to take it easy this year, to cut back on shenanigans like this.

Oh well.

Crows win, I drink beer

As Richo explained to me, the Crows pick a particular quarter each year and choose to play that at their worst. This year it is the third quarter, every fucking game. So they kicked eight goals and kept Carlton goalless for the first half, then went on to score only one goal and concede five in the third quarter. Usually they finish the match by playing desperate catch up in the final quarter, but this time they had a decent lead and ended up winning by 44 points.

We still need to improve if we want any chance of reaching the finals. Although that could be a moot point anyway, there is just no comparing the Crows with gun teams like St Kilda and Geelong.

Of exciting note: AAMI Stadium (great porn star name right there) now allows the purchase and consumption of beer in the stands, so myself, my old man and Richo downed a few frothy pints while watching the game. I’ve always found Sport as “something to do while I drink beer”, and not vice versa, so the new Stadium Beer laws pleased me immensely. There’ll be no more games where I travel all the way to the stadium, hit the bar at first quarter time with a mate…then spend the whole rest of the afternoon trapped in the bar sipping beer watching a tiny TV screen, while the actual game is taking place a few meteres away.

Hopefully not anyway.

Farrrkin' Fire Up

I’m off to watch the Adelaide Crows play Carlton tomorrow.

It has been quite some time since I watched a game live at the ground. I’ve had a meager supply of Aussie Rules over the last few years, getting up at 6am in London to watch the odd finals game here and there – maybe catching a BARFL game at Clapham Common every once in a while. Even now that I have returned home, I’ve had to work when most of the televised games have been on.

I’ve just had a solid diet of Soccer for almost half a decade, and now I will be watching Aussie Rules up close and personal in the third row.

It’s going to be a shock to the system. Seriously, it will be like going from this:



To this:



Hopefully the Crows will be triumphant….though I’m not seeing great form lately…

Top 15 of 2007 part III

5. Once

A heartbroken Irishman meets a Czech immigrant while busking on the streets of Dublin. They both share a love of music and write a series of songs together as their friendship blossoms.

Normally I would rather watch a baseball player throw rabbit traps at my nuts then a romantic drama, but this film came highly recommended from very reliable sources – and with good reason. I haven’t felt this touched since I shared a sleeping bag with my Scoutmaster.

It also went on to win an Oscar for best original song.


4. Hot Fuzz

I have a lot of love for the Wright/Pegg/Frost team, as Shaun of the Dead was the first film I saw when I got to London back in ’04.

Hot Fuzz is the second film in their “Blood and Ice cream” trilogy (the third film World’s End will be released next year). Its a British country town thriller that warps into an action packed shoot out sending up such pinnacles of cinema as Bad Boys 2 and Point Break.



3. Behind the Mask

Clever indie flick about a documentary crew interview a young man whose goal is to become an infamous serial killer along the lines of Freddy Krueger and Jason Vorhees. The crew follow him for a week as he trains, and sets up an abandoned house for his triumphant killing spree.


2. The Bourne Ultimatum

A fast paced thrill ride of a film, with not a single frame going to waste. The movie feels like one long chase scene, and I mean that as a compliment.

Bourne Ultimatum finishes off a near perfect trilogy, and they haven't gone down that usual Hollywood route and fuck up a good thing by planning an unnecessary fourth film.

Yeah right.



1. No Country For Old Men

An amazing achievement for the Coen Brothers, taking a story that seems so simple, and creating something equally humorous and suspensful. The film has many exciting (yet slow paced) chase scenes, and the whole thing has more tension than Mr. Lifto's penis.

Typically of the “quirky” Coen brothers, they build up to an almighty crescendo, than fizzle out at the finish with an ambiguous finale. Loved the film, but not a huge fan of the ending.

Top 15 of 2007 part II

10. Into the Wild


After graduating from university, a young man gives modern society the finger, gives his entire $24,000 savings to charity, and goes to live in the Alaskan wilderness. The film feels like if Grizzly Addams directed Fight Club, and stars...Emeel Hursch?..ur...Emill Hursk?...um...Emily Hurch?

Anyway, he’s a talented young actor just like that guy from Transformers...Shieea LeBoof?...Sheeya LeBouf?...Shire LaBoff?

Fuck it, never mind.



9. King of Kong

A surprisingly affecting documentary about a guy trying to get the world record score on Donkey Kong, made all the more watchable because the new contender is a likeable family man, and the current champion is a complete and utter Goat Tampon.



8. 300

A kick ass film about the Battle of Thermopylae, between the Spartans and the Persians, which Historians believed happened “Sometime between the ice Age, and last Wednesaday”.

You can read my original review (from the first MAY-HEM no less) here.



7. Michael Clayton

George Clooney spends so many of his waking hours strutting around like the world’s smuggest Cock-Puppet, that it’s easy to forget he’s a very talented actor. He is never better, then when playing a character buckling under stress (like many of his roles for the Coen Brothers).

He does a fine job, here playing an attorney with a gambling problem, who has to cope with his colleague’s mental breakdown, murder attempts, and a million dollar class action suit.



6. Superbad

Highly amusing “coming of age” film, about three high school friends trying to score alcohol for a party and hopefully get laid. What follows is a series of drunken misadventures and awkward sexual encounters.

I’m reminded of my own awkward experience in my late teens - I had finished making love to a young lady (my then girlfriend), who appeared to be in a state of post-coital anger. I was confused by her surliness, but after a brief discussion the penny dropped: she thought I had finished shagging and said ”You be quiet now” as some kind of chauvinistic order, when in actuality I had said ”Yippie Ky Ay!” on the vinegar stroke (being a Die Hard fan and all).

What a foolish anecdote. Let this be the last time I tell it.

Top 15 of 2007 part I

We begin yet another run at clearing out the backlog. You poor bastards will overdose on film reviews by the end of this month, so I’ll keep this next batch short, sharp and sweet – like a Hooker’s stiletto after she’s stepped in bubblegum. Or a really smart midget, that’s covered in Honey. You get the drift.



15. Ratatouille

I’m a big fan of Brad Bird’s previous film, The Incredibles so gave this a watch. Simple story: Rat becomes master chef in the city of Paris (which looks quite amazing in CGI). I was inspired by the film, so tried to teach a pigeon to cook me bacon and eggs.

I ended up with Pig AIDS.



14. Sicko

I like Michael Moore’s stuff, even though I think the guy is a bit of a dick splash. Don’t be fooled by the poster, Moore doesn’t don his trade mark goatee in the film, which left me wondering for most of Sicko’s running time: “Who is this tubby lesbian, and when does Michael Moore make an appearance?”.

And just quietly, America’s Health Care System is FUCKED.


13. Beowulf

Another CGI film, featuring the toughest character I’ve ever seen chronicled on film (who is voiced by Ray Winstone, but for some reason looks like Brad Pitt, sounds like a young Sean Connery, and smells like Amy Winehouse).

Beowulf is, of course, based on the old English poem written by...well, nobody has any fucking idea who wrote it. Historians can only tell us that it was dated ”Sometime between the 8th and 11th centuries”.

Yeah, some time in that 300 year bracket. Well done Historians, you detectives of times gone by. No, seriously. WELL DONE.


12. The Kingdom

FBI agents are sent into Saudi Arabia to investigate the bombing of a facility. Their job becomes difficult, mainly because the Middle East is completely and utterly off its guts.

The film is equally parts gripping and tight, like getting a hand job from an Orangutan. Or fingering a Sex Doll full of Liquid Nails. You get the drift.


11. Planet Terror

The 2007 Grindhouse double bill consisted of Death Proof (which is 20% fantastic fun, 80% shit-boring never ending conversations; the modern-Tarrantino trying too hard to be cool, not to be confused with the early-Tarrantino who WAS cool) and Planet Terror a fantastically gory and action packed Zombie flick which was far better.

A stripper with a machine gun leg sounds like a dopey gimmick, but works surprisingly well.

Amen.

Renton would be proud

I’ll tell you one thing, there’s certainly a noticeable financial difference when you go from “off the booze” to “back on it”. Certainly a busy weekend social wise, with a birthday or long overdue film night happening each day – events I didn’t want to miss out on. I bought a carton of beer for the house warming, went out for dinner and several pubs on the Saturday night (I was in a Guinness mood, and that shit aint cheap in these parts), then bought a carton of beer for the movie day on the Sunday (it was my turn to provide the alcohol). Throw in a total of three taxi rides over the course of the weekend, and we’re talking somewhere in the region of about $250. Not my most expensive weekend by a long shot, and I did enjoy myself, but I’m starting to feel like the money could be put to better use elsewhere. I’m not saying I’m going to become a recluse, but rather save these big nights out for special occasions - maybe cut back to twice a month. I’m only a casual employee now (earning roughly a third of what I was taking home in London), so I don’t have huge amounts of expendable income. I have travel plans and study interests that will need money injections, so looks like I will have to bite the bullet and give the rock star lifestyle a break.

Besides a rough day at the start of my hiatus, and one near the finish (both times I was sitting around chatting with mates while they were drinking beers, I felt the urge to knock back a few too) I pretty much sailed through the 25 days off. I’m thinking of doing it again – maybe take a month off before I go travelling in October, and another month off when I return.

Adelaide is the perfect town for drying out – the stress free living means that the desire to write oneself off on the weekend isn’t as strong. On the flipside, the social scene isn’t as exciting as London – so you can stay home and not feel like you are missing anything fantastic on a Saturday night.

My dry period was a source of great interest to my workmates, many were fascinated by my will power and were in awe when I reached the ten day mark, let alone the 25th. A lot of the guys noted that they felt like having a detox on numerous occasions, but never went through with it. One workmate moonlighted as a DJ, and said the longest he had gone without alcohol in the last few years was only about two days. It was the same for most of my work crowd, finishing a long day of work and not having a few beers was like taking a dump and not wiping – it just didn’t seem right.

Though not everybody was as fascinated by the whole thing. I was chatting to one work mate as he gave me a lift home, and he realized he had just gone 14 days himself without alcohol without even realizing it. We are of similar ages (he’s about two months older), but this mate got married five years ago and now has a two year old daughter and his own house. At the back of his mind is the knowledge that he needs to buy his kid new clothes, that a house payment is due, that the car needs a service and that he has an upcoming family vacation to plan. The thought of blowing a couple of hundred dollars on a frivolous night out on the town (for the reward of a stinking hangover and possible memory loss) must seem as bizarre an idea to him as hijacking a plane.

I need to take a leaf out of his book.

So hopefully I’m looking at a healthier life style for the rest of the year. Though there is no need to be worried kids. I’m not changing the name of this site to The Well Adjusted Blog, and swapping the sordid tales and nonsense for descriptions of my Kitchen renovations. The reason I’m cutting back on alcohol is to save cash. The reason I am saving cash is so I can go on crazy overseas vacations (my trip overseas started as just Thailand, but has now morphed into at least half a dozen locations on several continents), and to get the equipment needed to create the insane online comic strips I have planned, and to pay off a special effects course so I can get busy making short films again (I have already written the outlines for a Ninja Fisherman vs Nazi Clowns film, and one about a murderous alien-infected Koala).

Shark Air

The “Final Hook” of a movie trailer is the final quick attempt at winning an audience’s interest. It’s the money shot of the trailer.

The main meat of the trailer will play out – providing a gist of the plot and an introduction to the key players, also a taste of the film’s best scenes will be shown (depending on the genre, so funny jokes if it’s a comedy, exciting set pieces if it’s an action film) then the credits and release date will appear – then one last quick scene (the Final Hook) before the trailer ends.

In the trailer for The Hangover, the final hook is the introduction of Mike Tyson as a special guest. For Spiderman 3 it was a shot of the character Venom. But the most amusing Final Hook I have seen recently is the one for Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, a film gaining internet notoriety for it’s ridiculous premise, and also starring Lorenzo Lamas and Debbie Gibson(!).

The trailer is here:



I have decided to present the Final Hook in picture form, so we can bathe in it’s awesome beauty:

Back in Black

Friday night was an enjoyable romp, and my return foray into the world of alcohol.

The party featured a small fire in a modestly sized drum in the backyard, and had the beast been any bigger than that I swear we would have all died a fiery death. There’s something about fire at parties that brings out the primal side in people, and people could not stop fucking with the damn thing. There was the “expert” stacking different combinations of wood for optimum warmth, somebody else decided to dump the entire contents of the recycling bin onto the fire, another guy tried to get the flames as high as possible to burn through a plastic clothes line situated near the fire (a goal he had set himself). For reasons unclear to me, somebody else started hitting the fire with a metal pole for about five minutes, as people watched in awe at the sparks flying about.

The drum holding the fire fell over at least a dozen times, but each time we scooped it back up, and continued our fireside banter, at one point even toasting marshmallows. There was four of us who stood there for most of the night mesmerized by the fire, not leaving it even though it was raining, and the smoke was becoming eye-wateringly unbearable. I was guzzling my way through a carton of Cooper’s Pale Ale, feeling the beers going to my head after the month off. I knew I was probably drinking too fast, but found I couldn’t slow my pace down – the dry patch had seemingly made me forget my limits. By midnight, I was sitting on a couch on the porch suitably smashed and trying my hardest to hold civil conversations with the various characters I had met.

It was at about this time Will came over to get my attention – I looked up to see him and one of his mates standing over me grinning like Hyenas holding shovels. ”Wanna come on a mission?” Will asked me, and of course when you find yourself getting asked a question like that at midnight in the pouring rain, the only answer is a resounding “Why yes, yes I do.”

I grabbed a roadie and followed Will and his mate (I was never properly introduced to this guy, so don’t know his name) up the road. The guys decided to run, so I tried my hardest to keep up, sipping a beer and jogging in the rain, wondering where on Earth we were going at this hour with shovels. As it turned out, Will’s old house was only a few blocks up the road and our “mission” was to sneak into the backyard and dig up some Shrooms Will had been growing there, and to relocate them to his new garden. It was all kind of exciting, though my imagination had been running wild on the journey thinking we may be heading off to go grave robbing – I was equally parts relieved/disappointed that this was not the case.

With a plastic bag full of mushrooms, we started our journey home, once again the guys broke into a run to cut the journey time. I found on the return my stamina had dwindled, and my run devolved into a jog, which devolved into a slow limp. A combination of my slower pace and the darkness meant that I lost sight of the guys after a few minutes, and then became completely disoriented as to where I was. I spent the next fifteen minutes wandering around the Eastern suburbs in the pissing rain trying to locate Will’s house (somebody had snapped all of the closest street signs off which definitely didn’t help my predicament). I had almost given up hope and was about to head home, when a car pulled up next to me and the driver (Will’s shroom raiding pal) pointed me in the direction of the party.

A few more beers, a few more fireside chats, and eventually the party dwindled down to just Will and myself. We departed to the house where Will taught me the game of Carom (which I sucked at), followed by a few games of Dr Mario (which I kicked ass at). I hit the spare bed at about 5am.

After my 25 day dry spell I had almost forgotten the ugly uselessness of a decent hangover, but at noon today it all came flooding back. It wasn’t one of my worst hangovers by a long shot, but the nausea and head ache were strong enough to leave me in a worthless state. I dozed in and out of sleep, hearing various people who come round the house to say hi to Will. I didn’t get up until 5pm.

Now I am back home and it is 6pm, I have showered and had a coffee which certainly helps, and I have about an hour before I have to be at the Irish pub down the road for my sister’s birthday dinner. It will no doubt be a late one, followed by another sleep in, and then the purchase of another carton of beer for the Sunday DVD session with the lads.

Welcome back to the boozy weekender. God help us all.

Sucked in you just bashed your shin

25 days later and I'm off the wagon, was going to wait until Saturday to drink, but I forgot to incorporate Will's house warming/birthday into the equation.

We're eating toasties and playing Super Nintendo. I shit you not, Super Effin' Nintendo. Each game we play fills me with nostalgia.

We're going to play Donkey Kong Country now, it's 4:46am Adelaide time, hope you are well kids.

Uncle beef.

Top 15 of 2006 part III

5. The Descent

Directed by Neil Marshall (who made the descent Dog Soldiers), The Descent tells the tale of a group of British adrenaline junkie girls who go spelunking in the Appalachian mountains, only to get trapped in a cave system full of mutant carnivorous red necks (ones that have evolved over ten thousand years into nasty pieces of shit that look like the offspring of Gollum and Amy Winehouse).

These aren’t your regular Horror film chicks though, who scream and trip over a lot, but rather some tough-ass bitches ready to pick axe these fuckers in the head.

Their raw estrogen aggression was so heavy, that at one point I had to change my shirt because I had started lactating. This is a kick ass Horror film.

As a side note: Am I the only one who thinks “Spelunking” is a stupid word? Cave exploring looks like hard work and deserves a better title. Spelunking sounds like the name of a clown porno.




4. Pan’s Labyrinth

Set in 1944 Fascist Spain, a young girl escapes from the harshness of her surroundings through a fantasy world that mirrors her own.

Another film I almost gave a miss, the above description really doesn’t float my boat in any form. But I think Guillermo del Toro is a great director (Chronos is quality) so I ended up giving it a shot. I really should stop judging books by their fucking covers.

A beautifully made and very affecting film, with some of the most warped creature creations I’ve seen in recent memory.



3. Casino Royale

I’m a James Bond fan from way back, and was excited when they re-energized the franchise with Goldeneye back in 1995. Unfortunately, that film was followed with a series slowly declining in quality to the point of retardation. So the powers that be said ‘Fuck it, let’s start over” and took Bond back to the beginning of his adventures.

Daniel Craig was an odd choice to play Bond, but he nails the role – playing the character as a tough, arrogant son-of-a-bitch. The film balances action and tension superbly, and would have made the top of this list but for one problem – it’s overlong.

The story finishes with a card game, and a short torture scene which is quite low key, considering all of the huge action that proceeded it. So the film makers decided to tack on a whole extra action sequence of a sinking building that just is superfluous at best.

Still an effin’ good film.



2. Brick

I didn’t gel to the idea of this film when I first heard about it – a hard boiled Detective Noir story set in a high school. It seemed like a hangover from that “Look! It’s Shakespeare, but in modern times lol” craze that hit a few years back. I’m a huge fan of Noir stories (I’ve read all of Raymond Chandler’s stuff), so gave it a shot.

But the film works on every level. The loner kid as the detective, the library geek as his informant, the Principal as the chief of police. I was surprised to see Joseph Gordon Levitt (the young guy from Third Rock From the Sun) play the role of the unlikely detective searching for a lost girl, as he was such a scrawny dork in all his previous stuff – but here he is as tough as nails, picking fights with the toughest guys in town and taking a beating for most of the film to find his answers.

Here’s a drinking game you really should(n’t) try – take a shot every time Levitt gets punched in the head. You’ll be smashed after the first twenty minutes.



1. The Departed
A film I almost didn’t see (and man, I really need to fucking stop saying that) – I’d been burned on way too many Hollywood remakes to bother with this. Remakes always tend to be shit, or pointless. Why do we need an American version of The Ring when we already have the Japanese one? Likewise, I had seen Infernal Affairs, the Chinese film The Departed was based on, so why bother?

Not only that, but this looked like run of the mill star power shit Hollywood churns out on a regular basis. DiCaprio plays the stressed guy, Damon plays the calm devious one, Nicholson plays the older crazier dude – YAWN. There were critics who came in their pants and gave the film five stars before even stepping foot in the cinema, purely on Scorsese’s name being on it. But in the end, I saw too many ecstatic reviews from trustworthy sources and eventually relented.


Yeah this is a Hollywood film, but one that is done PROPERLY. Every character in the story is defined, and some of the best performances come from the supporting characters (such as Alec Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg). There are tones of amazingly dramatic moments as the two “undercover” guys (a cop hiding in the mob, a crook hiding in the cops) desperately try to keep their identities concealed.

Rolling Stone described it as ”a new American Crime Classic” and I’d have to agree. Though one blemish: they opted out of the tougher (and my opinion better) original ending. Still, that’s Hollywood for you.

Top 15 of 2006 part II

10. Crank

Have you ever eaten Shrooms and played grand Theft Auto? I did in London once, and watching Crank was an identical sensation.

Jason Statham plays Chev Chelios, an unlucky guy who wakes up to find out he has been poisoned with a Chinese synthetic, and finds out that if his pulse slows down he is as good as dead. Adrenaline is the order of the day, which he hunts down through various means including Red Bull, Cocaine, sex and sticking his hand in a waffle iron to name but a few of the less crazy methods.

This isn’t the first time people have made a film about a poisoned antagonist searching for his murderer, but it is the first time a bunch of dudes went on a five day Meth bender and then made a film like this, which I swear to god the production team for Crank did. Fuck a “slow burn”, I love it when cinema just goes bat shit crazy.

9. Slither

Another Horror Comedy making the list, Slither takes the classic American small town, adds a B-Movie alien invasion, then spends the next 90 minutes fucking us in the eyes with exquisite gore and fucked up plot twists.

An entertaining township of people, including a millionaire warped by alien DNA, an extremely pregnant chick, redneck zombies and a foul mouthed mayor with a bad habit of constantly calling people “cock suckers”.

Directed by James Gunn, who went on to create the highly entertaining PG PORN series (for people who love everything about porn except the sex).


8. Borat

This was the film I almost didn’t see. The Borat promotional vehicle went into overdrive that year, especially on the internet, and there was an oversaturation of clips, interviews and trailers. Not to mention the thousands of work place “comedians” who thought it the pinnacle of humour to adopt Borat’s accent into their daily dialogue. This was the first time I was sick of a character before the film had even opened.

I was glad I finally came to my senses and went and watched, because it was effin’ hilarious.

With the stunts that he pulled, Sacha Baron Cohen must either be fearless, or pant shittingly insane – it doesn’t matter because his style works. He relies heavily on people being pigheadedly ignorant of the “simple folk” from countries they are not familiar with. I’m reminded of the scene where Borat goes to a dinner party, uses the bathroom, but returns in a confused state with his feces in a plastic bag. The lady of the house is happy to help out her “special foreign guest” with instructions. The obvious question, is how could a man use an airport at Kazakhstan, take an overseas flight to New York, work his way through that airport and the city of New York, travel across America – and still not know how to use a toilet?

God bless the culturally retarded idiots whose hospitality he abused for our entertainment.

7. Hard Candy

The tables are turned between potential abuser and potential abused, when a 14 year old girl agrees to meet up with a photographer she has met online. The photographer is drugged, and tied to a chair, and wakes to the girl ransacking his house in search of “evidence”.

An extremely tense thriller, mainly due to the fact that you are not sure if the photographer is a child molester (he’s a handsome young professional, when we all know that pedophiles look like Geography teachers from the 70’s), and the film includes a scene that will have any male viewers wincing for days.

I’ve never been this scared of a child before, except for maybe Pet Semetary, Village of the Damned, Children of the Corn – oh who am I kidding, all kids are fucking terrifying.


6. 13 (Tzameti)

A Georgian film (which means you’ll have to read subtitles, so I’ve already put off a few of you mouth-breathers) in stark black and white, 13 tells the story of a young labourer named Sebastien who is stiffed out of a payment when his employer dies.

He intercepts a message meant for the dead man, alluding to a huge money payment – so sets off with the mysterious instructions in hopes of getting his hands on some cash. Unwittingly, he has entered an underground gambling ring where bored millionaires bet on the lives of contestants, and Sebastien is player number “13”.

If you want more details, you’ll have to see it, and I do recommend it. The film is as tense as a tight-roper walker’s anus.

Top 15 of 2006 part I

Time to sweep some more stagnant writing out of the brothel of half written drafts. I made a list of my 15 favourite films of 2006 a few years back, and May-hem is the pefect time to drag it out of the gutter and throw it up on screen (there will be lists for 2007 and 2008 later this month as well). I found a “Top 10” meant having to ditch a few films I really enjoyed, while a “Top 20” meant having to add a couple that weren’t that great; so “Top 15” it is. The first five films in ascending order:



15. Little Miss Sunshine

A dysfunctional family (including Steve Carroll as a gay suicidal college professor) make a cross country road trip in order to enter the daughter into a talent show, upsetting numerous plebs along the way.

A decent comedy whose simple message is that quirky people can be a nuiscance, but normal people are just plain shit. A core value I can get behind.




14. District 13

When Casino Royale debuted at cinemas, many fans were impressed by the prologue parkour chase across the Construction site. ”What could be better than that?” they asked. The answer was quite simple – a film consisting of constant parkour stunts for its entire running time, and also starring the inventor of parkour.

District 13 is a 2004 French film (released in 2006 internationally, so making this list) set in a dystopian Parisian future (2010, oh shit that’s seven months away) and stars two martial arts/parkour experts/batshit crazy assholes who team up to fight gangsters, disarm a bomb, and save the girl. Their plan is to spend the whole film running around like Spiderman on Crystal meth (it works).




13. Children of Men

Clive Owen, who is currently in a neck and neck race with Jason Statham to become the surliest British Action star (I bet those two are just a blast at dinner parties), stars as a cynical ex-activist living in the dystopian British future of 2027 (not to be confused with the dystopian Paris of 2010, or the dystopian present of Port Adelaide 2009).

Events take a turn for the interesting, when he is put in charge of a pregnant woman (in fact, the first pregnant woman of the last 18 years. I forgot to mention, everybody is sterile in 2027. They must have caught mumps).

Anyone who has trod through the grime and vomit of Piccadilly Circus on a New Year’s Eve will testify how perfect London is as a setting for dystopian future storylines. Children of Men makes great use of these surroundings, and has a tense story line with abrupt scenes of amazing action (the shootout at the refugee camp is particularly good).


12. Primer

Abe and Aaron are friends and engineers who spend their evening working on a project that will hopefully make them rich, a device that makes objects lighter and will revolutionise shipping and travel. While tinkering with this device, however, they accidentally invent a time machine. The time machine can only send them back a few hours, so they use it to play the stockmarket and gamble. Shit eventually goes pear shaped, and the film becomes a mindfuck of alternate time lines, duplicated people and increasingly complex paradoxes.

Primer was an independent film created by an Engineer, and he treats the whole mind fuckery of time travel with an Engineer’s precise calculations. I love time travel films, and this one made my nose bleed (but in a good way). I finished the film with one thought: “Causality is a Mother Fucker”.

A decent Sci-Fi film, one that will require viewing at least twice to fully grasp.

However, if you found films like Donnie Darko and Memento confusing, then avoid Primer like it was Pig AIDS. It will give you an aneurysm.

(Also: Pig AIDS is the scientific name for Swine Flu).


11. Feast

Project Greenlight was an American reality TV show produced by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, that involved putting together an amateur team of scriptwriters, Director, and Producer and creating a film . Feast was the resulting film of Season 3.

I think reality TV is Satan’s piss, months of grooming and competition to produce singers who perform a smattering of god awful music, and then completely disappear a few weeks later. Project Greenlight sounds like a film version of American Idol, and I was surprised to find that the resulting spawn of the show, Feast, wasn’t only watchable, but actually pretty damn good.

A Horror Comedy in the vein of Evil Dead, it features a band of unlikely types holed up in a bar in the middle of nowhere, and under attack from unknown (and decidedly horny) monsters. The plot couldn’t be more clichéd, but the film makers spend the whole time turning the usual horror preconceptions on their ear, and to great effect.

The film also presents the best introduction process I have seen in a while, freeze framing each character (guy Ritchie style) as they first appear on screen and giving their name, their role (ie “the Hero”, “the Old Guy”, “the Cripple”), and also their life expectancy.

Best character: Henry Rollins as the dorky motivational speaker. He made me lulz.