Golden Goose List part I

(Another set of posts from the backlog)

I’ve been jerking off into your eyes over my favourite films of 2006 and 2007 (the 2008 list will be up next week), so it is high time for me to spit venom instead of heap praise, and introduce you to

THE 2007 GOLDEN GOOSE LIST

The following ten films aren’t the worst of 2007, hell some are actually quite watchable, but they are the films that pissed me off the most. These are ten Blockbusters that took a good thing (such as a great cast, a great story, or a great franchise) and ruined it with Hollywood sewerage. Because of the obscene amount of money thrown at these projects these films aren’t just goosed, they’re Golden Goosed.

Its true that cinema is an art, not a science, so mistakes will be made. It is also true, though, that cinema has been around for over a century – and mistakes should be learnt by other people’s failures, not repeated ad nauseum. I’ll point these out throughout the list.

I’ll also explain why it was such a shame that the film was fucked up, and I’ll outline an example of “unnecessary CGI” in each movie. Special Effects should be seamless, and it makes me grind my teeth in rage when a distracting computer generated shot is used, instead of a stuntman or model effect.

These films aren’t rated on quality, but on how badly they fucked up a sure thing.

Onto the first three:


10. Shrek the Third

Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas all take a break from their shitty acting careers to do voice overs for an unnecessary sequel, and get paid a bastardload of cash for doing so.


Why was it Goosed?

I didn’t mind the first Shrek, and was happy to sit through the second – but felt that the characters had done their dash by the finish. The first two films made too much money for there not to be a third.

Shrek feels like an awkward fish out of water in the refined Royal City. Donkey has a weird relationship with a Dragon. Puss in Boots is an amusingly smooth debonair. There are plenty of OMG LOLZ moments, as recognisable pop culture icons get a medieval slant. The central theme is to believe in yourself, and take strength in your friendships. This is the synopsis of Shrek 2. Unfortunately, it is also the synopsis of Shrek the Third.

Enjoy your plate of reheated leftover shit-casserole, kids.

Unnecessary CGI moment:

The whole film is an unnecessary CGI moment.

Lesson not learnt?

If you’re going to make a sequel, introduce new themes and ideas to keep it fresh.

Which could have been learnt from watching:

Home Alone was a previous popular family entertainment franchise, that decided to rehash the old story with Home Alone 3. The film is considered dog piss.

Such a Shame:

There are other animated films more deserving of a sequel. I would have rather seen a Toy Story 3 (actually now in production), or an Incredibles 2 before a third Shrek film.

Critic Quote:

“(Shrek the Third) suffers from that common virus, sequelitis - the ennui that afflicts blockbusters when they've outlived their capacity to amuse.” - Sydney Morning Herald

Please Sir, I want no more:

This series is dead in the water….artistically wise, but it still makes those souless cocksuking Dreamworks Executives a shit load of cash. The McDonald’s Happy Meal toy rights alone have the accountants spraying the inside of their jocks with thrust dust.

Shrek Goes Fourth will be out in 2010.



9. Rush Hour 3

Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker team up and fight Triads in Paris.

Um, yeah.


Why was it Goosed?

To keep the series fresh, they relocated the characters to the complete “fish out of water” setting of Paris, but then didn’t bother to create any decent humour or stunts.

I can’t understand what went wrong with the script – the film was written by the brilliant Jeff Nathanson whose past credits include the exquisite Speed 2: Cruise Control, and whose future credits would include the magnificent Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. What a complete and utter genius.

Unnecessary CGI moment:

Any action scene involving CGI and stunt men in the place of Jackie Chan. Chan refused to use wire work, stunt men or computer effects for his stunt work for the first three decades of his film making career. Then he whored himself out to Hollywood (where actor insurance is a little different to Hong Kong). Quite depressing really.

Lesson not learnt?

Taking actors who are a little long in the tooth, to play characters they are bored of playing, in a series of uninspired over the top stunts – is generally not a great idea.

Could have been learnt from watching:

Lethal Weapon 4

Such a Shame:

The first two Rush Hour films are hardly the lofty peaks of cinema perfection, but they are enjoyable action romps – the kind of fare you could happily veg out in front of on a Monday night after work. The third film tarnishes this ethic.

Critic Quote:

“Rush Hour 3 is an awkward Greatest Hits Reunion Show, and neither one of them seem up to the task. Tucker's character is irrational and irritating (imagine biting on a sheet of aluminium foil). Chan still does some of his own stunts, but he's 53 now and some of the stunts he does cause more concern than wonderment.”

- Urban Cinefile

Please Sir, I want no more:

There was talk of a fourth film set in Moscow, but I think this series might be (thankfully) dead in the water. There was a six year gap between Rush Hour 2 and 3, so they’d be lucky to squeeze out a number 4 before Jackie Chan hits his 60’s.

Not that Chris Tucker has anything better to do. Check out a decade of his career from IMDB.Com:




8. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Johnny Depp is the lovable rogue Jack Sparrow, “Orlando Bloom” sounds like a fragrance of feminine deodorant – but is in fact the name of that guy from Lord of the Rings, and Keira Knightley is a castrated cabin boy (in real life, can’t remember what character she plays in the film).


Why was it Goosed?

Pirates took the simple nautical fantasy of the first film, and somehow mashed it into an overlong mulit-plotline mess. Sometimes exciting, but mostly confusing or boring.

Lesson not learnt?

Shooting back to back sequels that choose style over substance, and take a convoluted story line and drench it with over the top special effects is generally not a good idea.

Which could have been learnt from watching:

The Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions

Unnecessary CGI moment:

Those breathtaking shots of a REAL pirate Ship sailing on a REAL Ocean captivated viewers the first time round. Those have been replaced by a confusing multiple Pirate Ship fight in the middle of a Whirlpool, that is so unconvincingly computer generated I swear I saw Max Headroom board one of the boats.



Such a Shame:

Jack Sparrow is one of the best film characters created in recent memory. Highly amusing. Well, he was in The Curse of the Black Pearl. I loved him in that film, but was sick of him by the time we hit World’s End.

Critic Quote:

”Interminable, with more plot lines than pirates, this is a mix of theatrical bravura, magical special effects and tedium... a journey on a tempestuous ocean with mountainous highs and fathomless lows. I was confused, enthralled, dazzled and bored.” – Urban Cinefile

Please Sir, I want no more:

There is a fourth Pirates film planned – this time dumping all of the extraneous characters and concentrating on Jack Sparrow. His adventures may swap from the Supernatural to Science Fiction, by taking a flying ship to the stars.

I’m indifferent about this project, though I will admit there is still life in the character, provided they don’t take a big oily shit all over it like they did with World’s End.