Top 15 of 2006 part III

5. The Descent

Directed by Neil Marshall (who made the descent Dog Soldiers), The Descent tells the tale of a group of British adrenaline junkie girls who go spelunking in the Appalachian mountains, only to get trapped in a cave system full of mutant carnivorous red necks (ones that have evolved over ten thousand years into nasty pieces of shit that look like the offspring of Gollum and Amy Winehouse).

These aren’t your regular Horror film chicks though, who scream and trip over a lot, but rather some tough-ass bitches ready to pick axe these fuckers in the head.

Their raw estrogen aggression was so heavy, that at one point I had to change my shirt because I had started lactating. This is a kick ass Horror film.

As a side note: Am I the only one who thinks “Spelunking” is a stupid word? Cave exploring looks like hard work and deserves a better title. Spelunking sounds like the name of a clown porno.




4. Pan’s Labyrinth

Set in 1944 Fascist Spain, a young girl escapes from the harshness of her surroundings through a fantasy world that mirrors her own.

Another film I almost gave a miss, the above description really doesn’t float my boat in any form. But I think Guillermo del Toro is a great director (Chronos is quality) so I ended up giving it a shot. I really should stop judging books by their fucking covers.

A beautifully made and very affecting film, with some of the most warped creature creations I’ve seen in recent memory.



3. Casino Royale

I’m a James Bond fan from way back, and was excited when they re-energized the franchise with Goldeneye back in 1995. Unfortunately, that film was followed with a series slowly declining in quality to the point of retardation. So the powers that be said ‘Fuck it, let’s start over” and took Bond back to the beginning of his adventures.

Daniel Craig was an odd choice to play Bond, but he nails the role – playing the character as a tough, arrogant son-of-a-bitch. The film balances action and tension superbly, and would have made the top of this list but for one problem – it’s overlong.

The story finishes with a card game, and a short torture scene which is quite low key, considering all of the huge action that proceeded it. So the film makers decided to tack on a whole extra action sequence of a sinking building that just is superfluous at best.

Still an effin’ good film.



2. Brick

I didn’t gel to the idea of this film when I first heard about it – a hard boiled Detective Noir story set in a high school. It seemed like a hangover from that “Look! It’s Shakespeare, but in modern times lol” craze that hit a few years back. I’m a huge fan of Noir stories (I’ve read all of Raymond Chandler’s stuff), so gave it a shot.

But the film works on every level. The loner kid as the detective, the library geek as his informant, the Principal as the chief of police. I was surprised to see Joseph Gordon Levitt (the young guy from Third Rock From the Sun) play the role of the unlikely detective searching for a lost girl, as he was such a scrawny dork in all his previous stuff – but here he is as tough as nails, picking fights with the toughest guys in town and taking a beating for most of the film to find his answers.

Here’s a drinking game you really should(n’t) try – take a shot every time Levitt gets punched in the head. You’ll be smashed after the first twenty minutes.



1. The Departed
A film I almost didn’t see (and man, I really need to fucking stop saying that) – I’d been burned on way too many Hollywood remakes to bother with this. Remakes always tend to be shit, or pointless. Why do we need an American version of The Ring when we already have the Japanese one? Likewise, I had seen Infernal Affairs, the Chinese film The Departed was based on, so why bother?

Not only that, but this looked like run of the mill star power shit Hollywood churns out on a regular basis. DiCaprio plays the stressed guy, Damon plays the calm devious one, Nicholson plays the older crazier dude – YAWN. There were critics who came in their pants and gave the film five stars before even stepping foot in the cinema, purely on Scorsese’s name being on it. But in the end, I saw too many ecstatic reviews from trustworthy sources and eventually relented.


Yeah this is a Hollywood film, but one that is done PROPERLY. Every character in the story is defined, and some of the best performances come from the supporting characters (such as Alec Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg). There are tones of amazingly dramatic moments as the two “undercover” guys (a cop hiding in the mob, a crook hiding in the cops) desperately try to keep their identities concealed.

Rolling Stone described it as ”a new American Crime Classic” and I’d have to agree. Though one blemish: they opted out of the tougher (and my opinion better) original ending. Still, that’s Hollywood for you.