Second Place

Another day, another match, and the circle of life continues. Once again a pair of Shoddy Six Pack teams had to face each other, and once again a loser has to limp off to the change rooms and hit the showers. (If you can’t imagine a shower room full of Rugby Players, this song might help)

I watched the game at a pub in Balham, and I use the verb "watch" in it’s loosest tense. I was jammed into the furthest corner of the pub, and there were a hundred drunk lunatics and a chandelier between myself and the television. So I spent the whole match drinking tequilas with the Bartender, occasionally yelling or moaning when the rest of the crowd did so that I didn’t feel left out. Final Score: England 14 France 9, and we now have our silver medalist.

2nd Place: France



Random French Chick: Virginie Ledoyen

What a great photo of Virgine, taken as she has just woken up. And my, what an admirable way to greet the morning - big smile, glowing face, a world beating expression in her eyes. This is in contrast to my own style of waking up. Firstly I peel my face off the pillow, which is wet because I've been crying in my sleep again. Then I pick up my alarm cock and rip the batteries out with my teeth before smashing it against the wall. Then lastly, I open my window and spit the batteries at whichever sparrows are chirping on the tree branch outside. But I’ve never been a morning person, not like Virginie.

I bet she loves morning sex too. When you stretch, yawn, and then amorously kiss your lover on the cheek. A bit of snuggling, then you go for it. Screwing away with your hair all matted like a Hobo’s beard, morning breath that smells like a Doberman’s asshole and the corner of your eyes all gunked up with sleep as thick as Goblin’s snot. Aint life grand.

As Virginie is a French Actress, I haven't seen too many of her films. French Cinema is such pretentious bullshit, I’d rather watch a dog licks it’s nuts for 90 minutes.

But there is one movie of hers I did catch; The Beach.



For those of you who haven’t seen The Beach, here is a brief synopsis:

Leonardo Dicaprio is prancing around Bangkok like a Fairy when he meets the Psycho-Prick from Train-spotting. The Psycho-Prick tells Leo about a "Secret Island Paradise". White sands, clear waters; basically it’s the same as every island in Thailand. Except this one doesn’t have Bars, Strip Clubs or Mopeds, instead it has a small village of pompous Hippy Fuckwits. Leo is intrigued (Christ I wouldn’t be). The next day, Psycho-Prick commits suicide in a horrifically gory fashion, Spraying blood across his Hostel room like a Bulimic Mosquito. Leo should probably think at this point "Hey, slitting your wrists isn’t the best way to promote a recent vacation! Lol!"– but instead grabs the "Secret Map", and heads off to find the island. Because he’s a twat.

On his way to the island, Leo meets a young French couple (Virginie, and some other dick head), and they decide to join him on his adventure, coz that’s what characters do in movies Goddammit.

They get to the "Oh-So-Secret Island" and then a whole bunch of random shit happens:

* They help with the upkeep of the little wooden village

* They play Beach cricket

* Some Swedish guy gets his dick bitten off by a moray eel, and ends up bleeding to death in a tent

* Leo cheats on Virginie by shagging some Ginger hag who looks like a bloke

* Wilt Chamberlain loses a bet and has to eat a whole bowl of Fridge Magnets

* A Gorilla fingers an Eskimo

* Angry drug farmers start shooting everybody

* But probably the most random scene in the film, is the one where Dicapario kills a Shark underwater with his bare hands. Dicaprio is such a Vag, I can’t imagine him opening a can of Diet Coke by himself, let alone take on Mother Nature’s finest.




Next Update: The Winner of the Shoddy Six Pack II.