Six Pack Bottom Half

The Qualifying rounds are over, and the Shoddy Six Pack has been adjusted accordingly. Half the teams have made it through and will be playing in the Quarter Finals. The other half will go home empty handed to their angry pimps, who will no doubt get mad and slap them around a bit, and maybe even pour Draino down their throats for not coughing up the goods.

Here are the bottom half place allocations, same countries, new random hot chicks:

6th Place: USA

0 wins, 0 draws, 4 losses

They came, they saw, they got bitch slapped. USA failed to win a single game during the World Cup, and so have earned the Shoddy Wooden Spoon. But to be honest, I doubt the average American gives a fuck. I called my Uncle Lou who lives in Florida a few days ago, and the conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Looks like the USA Rugby team are out of the World Cup!
Uncle Lou: The who did what now?

And that pretty much sums it up. Grid Iron is the most popular sport in America. Followed by Baseball, then Basketball and Ice Hockey…Rugby is right down the list. Somewhere between "Frisbee Golf" and "Shooting Cans off a fence with a gun".

Oh well, there’s always the Olympic Games next year. (When the USA will take home 95% of the medals).

Random American Chick: Hayden Panettiere



Hayden plays the Cheerleader Claire on the Sci Fi show Heroes. Her character has regenerative powers that enable her super fast healing, so she’s exactly like Wolverine. The difference being, I don’t think about Hugh Jackman when I touch myself in the shower (well, not as much as I used to anyway).

Another interesting trait of Hayden is her near pathological obsession with licking things.







"Why would you be interested in a girl who loves licking things?" I can hear you cry out.

Simple: Ice cream stains.

If you spill ice cream on your kitchen floor, Hayden would happily lick it up for you. Because you know what happens if you just leave ice cream stains people? You get fucking ants in your house. That’s what. And Jesus Christ, you don't want that.


5th Place: Canada

0 wins, 1 draw, 3 losses

Canada fared slightly better with a draw against Japan. But if you’re struggling against the Japanese Rugby team, then it’s time to go home. And eat some Bacon dipped in Maple Syrup. Yummy.


Random Canadian Chick: Sunny Leone



Cheers to Gibbo who helped me find a Hot Canadian chick on Google, because quite frankly I was struggling. I thought finding one was hard, trying to locate a second was murder. I couldn’t find any decent actresses, so I tried for Canadian singers instead. This is what I came up with:

Alanis Morissette, Celine Dion, K D Lang, Avril Lavigne

Christ, what a buncha Horse-Faced Gargoyles. Except Avril Lavigne, she looks like a 12 year old street kid who’d let you spit in her mouth for a handful of change.

But thank you to Gibbo who found me the Penthouse Pet of 2003, Sunny Leone.

As a side note: yeah I did mention Evangeline Lilly aka Kate from Lost as being Canadian. But she just doesn’t really do it for me. I always preferred that mopey Korean chick to be honest, but I’m strange like that. Though anybody was better than the annoying whiny Australian chick:



"Somebody is tryn ta hurt my Bay-Bee!!"
"I had a dream that they took my Bay-bee!"
"A Polar Bear just licked my Bay-bee"

Dear god, is that what we Australians actually sound like? Because if it is, I’m going to take a switch-blade to my voice box immediately.

"The Psychic had a premonition that somebody is gonna hurt my Bay-bee"

Christ I wish a Dingo would just eat the fucking thing already.



And rounding out the bottom half of the Shoddy Six Pack:

4th Place: Italy

2 wins, 0 draws, 2 losses

Last year’s Shoddy Six Pack winner take this year’s fourth place. Italy managed a win against Portugal, and also against Romania, but were eventually knocked out of the competition by Scotland.

Random Italian Chick: Elisabetta Gregoraci



And by golly, they don’t get much more random than Elisabetta. According to Wikipedia she is “an Italian TV soubrette” (whatever the fuck that means).

She has also been controversially linked to various politicians, and is currently engaged to a Formula One Manager 30 years her senior.

God bless you, you little Gold Digging Harlot.