First Place

As the dust settles and the echo of the last battle cry peters out, one lone team stands proud on the Shoddy Mantle, knee deep amongst a sea of fallen rivals and sporadically back-dated blog posts.

WINNER OF THE SHODDY SIXPACK II: ENGLAND

Just a fucking shame they lost the actual World Cup itself.

Final score:

South Africa 15 England 6

You know, I’m not exactly a Rugby expert; But hasn’t this World Cup been morbidly low scoring?

The other scores I’ve posted for the finals have been:

ENG 14 FRA 9

ENG 12 AUS 10

They don’t look like Rugby final scores. They look like they came from Badminton games, or Volleyball. Or Chess Boxing.

Anyway,

1st Place: England

Random English Chick: Rhona Mitra

Rhona is a British actress who you may remember from the Ali G movie, amongst other films. Rhona was born in London to a half Indian father and an Irish mother, so she’s got those exotic mixed genes that white chicks can only dream about. Many have spent cancer-taunting amounts of time in tanning salons trying to emulate Rhona’s beautifully browned skin, only to come out looking quite stupid.

Exhibit A above: Christina Aguilera. Pirates have been known to lick her face, in order to combat scurvy.

In more recent times, you may have caught Rhona on the legal drama Boston Legal.

She appears to have been cast purely on her beautiful looks, and her role pretty much consists of: walking looking nasty hot, sitting looking nasty hot, and occasionally, lying down looking nasty hot. I’m not kidding here, the producers don’t even bother giving her any dialogue. I’ve seen the entire first season of Boston Legal, and I have no idea who her character actually is. Is she a prosecutor? A defendant? A cleaner? Nobody knows for sure.

In a recent poll in a leading Men’s magazine, the question was put forward – who would you rather sleep with? Your partner or Rhona Mitra…and Rhona has been dead for a week. The results came back 67% for Rhona, and 33% undecided.

And to praise her just that little bit more, she’s also quite comfortable around guns.

And here’s one more of her dressed as Lara Croft:

Is there anything more alluring than a Gorgeous girl sticking a gun in your face? I doubt it. I showed the above photos to my Bus Driver last night on my way home from work. He told me he couldn’t wait to finish his shift, so that he could go home and beat his cock like it owes him money.

But then again, he always tells me that.

Second Place

Another day, another match, and the circle of life continues. Once again a pair of Shoddy Six Pack teams had to face each other, and once again a loser has to limp off to the change rooms and hit the showers. (If you can’t imagine a shower room full of Rugby Players, this song might help)

I watched the game at a pub in Balham, and I use the verb "watch" in it’s loosest tense. I was jammed into the furthest corner of the pub, and there were a hundred drunk lunatics and a chandelier between myself and the television. So I spent the whole match drinking tequilas with the Bartender, occasionally yelling or moaning when the rest of the crowd did so that I didn’t feel left out. Final Score: England 14 France 9, and we now have our silver medalist.

2nd Place: France



Random French Chick: Virginie Ledoyen

What a great photo of Virgine, taken as she has just woken up. And my, what an admirable way to greet the morning - big smile, glowing face, a world beating expression in her eyes. This is in contrast to my own style of waking up. Firstly I peel my face off the pillow, which is wet because I've been crying in my sleep again. Then I pick up my alarm cock and rip the batteries out with my teeth before smashing it against the wall. Then lastly, I open my window and spit the batteries at whichever sparrows are chirping on the tree branch outside. But I’ve never been a morning person, not like Virginie.

I bet she loves morning sex too. When you stretch, yawn, and then amorously kiss your lover on the cheek. A bit of snuggling, then you go for it. Screwing away with your hair all matted like a Hobo’s beard, morning breath that smells like a Doberman’s asshole and the corner of your eyes all gunked up with sleep as thick as Goblin’s snot. Aint life grand.

As Virginie is a French Actress, I haven't seen too many of her films. French Cinema is such pretentious bullshit, I’d rather watch a dog licks it’s nuts for 90 minutes.

But there is one movie of hers I did catch; The Beach.



For those of you who haven’t seen The Beach, here is a brief synopsis:

Leonardo Dicaprio is prancing around Bangkok like a Fairy when he meets the Psycho-Prick from Train-spotting. The Psycho-Prick tells Leo about a "Secret Island Paradise". White sands, clear waters; basically it’s the same as every island in Thailand. Except this one doesn’t have Bars, Strip Clubs or Mopeds, instead it has a small village of pompous Hippy Fuckwits. Leo is intrigued (Christ I wouldn’t be). The next day, Psycho-Prick commits suicide in a horrifically gory fashion, Spraying blood across his Hostel room like a Bulimic Mosquito. Leo should probably think at this point "Hey, slitting your wrists isn’t the best way to promote a recent vacation! Lol!"– but instead grabs the "Secret Map", and heads off to find the island. Because he’s a twat.

On his way to the island, Leo meets a young French couple (Virginie, and some other dick head), and they decide to join him on his adventure, coz that’s what characters do in movies Goddammit.

They get to the "Oh-So-Secret Island" and then a whole bunch of random shit happens:

* They help with the upkeep of the little wooden village

* They play Beach cricket

* Some Swedish guy gets his dick bitten off by a moray eel, and ends up bleeding to death in a tent

* Leo cheats on Virginie by shagging some Ginger hag who looks like a bloke

* Wilt Chamberlain loses a bet and has to eat a whole bowl of Fridge Magnets

* A Gorilla fingers an Eskimo

* Angry drug farmers start shooting everybody

* But probably the most random scene in the film, is the one where Dicapario kills a Shark underwater with his bare hands. Dicaprio is such a Vag, I can’t imagine him opening a can of Diet Coke by himself, let alone take on Mother Nature’s finest.




Next Update: The Winner of the Shoddy Six Pack II.

Third Place

In a fierce battle of age old rivals, Shoddy Six Pack teams England and Australia faced off on Saturday. After a long struggle, England beat Australia. The final score: 10 – 12.

And there’s a reason why the end score line was so low: it was a shiteful game.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the fact the scores were so close throughout. But Jesus, it was an ugly match to watch. Every second kick was offline, people falling over, and passes were all over the place like a Mad Man’s pee. I could have fed a bunch of new born giraffes LSD and thrown them onto an ice rink covered in banana peels, and the resulting spectacle would have been more graceful than the Rugby match I watched.

For at least 30 minutes of the game it seemed that every pass was dropped. All of the clumsy fumbling didn’t remind me of dedicated Sportsmen, but rather of the first time I undid a bra. I was a drunken teenage boy in a room at a party, sitting in the dark awkwardly fumbling at the bra’s clasp. Though to be fair, I probably shouldn’t have been wearing it in the first place. Who’s to say.

All sour grapes aside - Congratulations to England, who were the better side on the day (in that they played slightly less shitty than Australia). England goes on to face the last remaining Shoddy Six pack team, France, tomorrow night.

Sadly Australia’s World Cup dream is over for another four years, and we have our first podium place for the six pack:

3rd Place: Australia

4 Wins, 0 Draws, 1 Grab-your-shit-and-go-home Loss

Random Australian Chick: Emily Scott


Emily is a commercial, lingerie and glamour model. And according to Beefipedia:

"Emily loves it when guys squeeze her boobs while making a ‘Honk-Honk’ sound."

Completely true.

Six Pack Bottom Half

The Qualifying rounds are over, and the Shoddy Six Pack has been adjusted accordingly. Half the teams have made it through and will be playing in the Quarter Finals. The other half will go home empty handed to their angry pimps, who will no doubt get mad and slap them around a bit, and maybe even pour Draino down their throats for not coughing up the goods.

Here are the bottom half place allocations, same countries, new random hot chicks:

6th Place: USA

0 wins, 0 draws, 4 losses

They came, they saw, they got bitch slapped. USA failed to win a single game during the World Cup, and so have earned the Shoddy Wooden Spoon. But to be honest, I doubt the average American gives a fuck. I called my Uncle Lou who lives in Florida a few days ago, and the conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Looks like the USA Rugby team are out of the World Cup!
Uncle Lou: The who did what now?

And that pretty much sums it up. Grid Iron is the most popular sport in America. Followed by Baseball, then Basketball and Ice Hockey…Rugby is right down the list. Somewhere between "Frisbee Golf" and "Shooting Cans off a fence with a gun".

Oh well, there’s always the Olympic Games next year. (When the USA will take home 95% of the medals).

Random American Chick: Hayden Panettiere



Hayden plays the Cheerleader Claire on the Sci Fi show Heroes. Her character has regenerative powers that enable her super fast healing, so she’s exactly like Wolverine. The difference being, I don’t think about Hugh Jackman when I touch myself in the shower (well, not as much as I used to anyway).

Another interesting trait of Hayden is her near pathological obsession with licking things.







"Why would you be interested in a girl who loves licking things?" I can hear you cry out.

Simple: Ice cream stains.

If you spill ice cream on your kitchen floor, Hayden would happily lick it up for you. Because you know what happens if you just leave ice cream stains people? You get fucking ants in your house. That’s what. And Jesus Christ, you don't want that.


5th Place: Canada

0 wins, 1 draw, 3 losses

Canada fared slightly better with a draw against Japan. But if you’re struggling against the Japanese Rugby team, then it’s time to go home. And eat some Bacon dipped in Maple Syrup. Yummy.


Random Canadian Chick: Sunny Leone



Cheers to Gibbo who helped me find a Hot Canadian chick on Google, because quite frankly I was struggling. I thought finding one was hard, trying to locate a second was murder. I couldn’t find any decent actresses, so I tried for Canadian singers instead. This is what I came up with:

Alanis Morissette, Celine Dion, K D Lang, Avril Lavigne

Christ, what a buncha Horse-Faced Gargoyles. Except Avril Lavigne, she looks like a 12 year old street kid who’d let you spit in her mouth for a handful of change.

But thank you to Gibbo who found me the Penthouse Pet of 2003, Sunny Leone.

As a side note: yeah I did mention Evangeline Lilly aka Kate from Lost as being Canadian. But she just doesn’t really do it for me. I always preferred that mopey Korean chick to be honest, but I’m strange like that. Though anybody was better than the annoying whiny Australian chick:



"Somebody is tryn ta hurt my Bay-Bee!!"
"I had a dream that they took my Bay-bee!"
"A Polar Bear just licked my Bay-bee"

Dear god, is that what we Australians actually sound like? Because if it is, I’m going to take a switch-blade to my voice box immediately.

"The Psychic had a premonition that somebody is gonna hurt my Bay-bee"

Christ I wish a Dingo would just eat the fucking thing already.



And rounding out the bottom half of the Shoddy Six Pack:

4th Place: Italy

2 wins, 0 draws, 2 losses

Last year’s Shoddy Six Pack winner take this year’s fourth place. Italy managed a win against Portugal, and also against Romania, but were eventually knocked out of the competition by Scotland.

Random Italian Chick: Elisabetta Gregoraci



And by golly, they don’t get much more random than Elisabetta. According to Wikipedia she is “an Italian TV soubrette” (whatever the fuck that means).

She has also been controversially linked to various politicians, and is currently engaged to a Formula One Manager 30 years her senior.

God bless you, you little Gold Digging Harlot.