Review - Pirates of the Caribbean 2

I usually don't go to see a movie unless it involves Serial Killers or Giant Robots stomping on people’s nuts, but found myself wandering off to the cinema for Pirates of the Caribbean 2. I remember being pleasantly surprised with the first film, especially with Depp whose Jack Sparrow was one of the most engaging Anti Heroes I'd seen in years.

The sequel starts with the ruined wedding of Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom, not that I give a fuck about their bland onscreen romance. Though I must admit that a union between a stick insect and a gay elf would produce some interesting offspring. The wedding has been interrupted due to the Bride and Groom getting arrested for aiding and abetting convicted Pirate Jack Sparrow. Orlando is sent off to retrieve a magical compass from Sparrow (or something) in order for the young lovers to gain their freedom. Keira spends the first third of the movie in jail, and by god I hoped they fed her well, because the bitch sure needs a decent feed.

Meanwhile Sparrow is having his own problems, he owns his soul to a squid head named Davy Jones, and is desperately trying to locate a chest that will solve his dilemma. Jones is played by the English actor Bill Nighy. In the last few years he has played a zombie and a vampire (twice) and now he's an immortal octopus monster. There's a reason Nighy keeps landing these undead roles, the fucker is a zombie in real life:

Davy Jones steers a ship full of lost souls in his service, men slowly mutating into various sea creatures. The real shock is how the other characters react when they come across the ship of freaks. There are two central themes in these films: one is Pirates, the second is the Super Natural. But while the monsters scared the shit out of everyone in the first film, they barely raise a reaction this time round.

Here is an excerpt from the Black Pearl script:

Sailor 1: Holy Jesus Fuck! Those Pirates are Zombies!
Sailor 2: The Fucking Living Dead!! Fuck Me!!

Compare that with the general attitude in Dead Man's Chest:

Sailor 1: OMG look. A Kraken. And a ship full of Sea Monsters....:)
Sailor 2: You do see some weird stuff in these waters lol

Nobody seems to give a fuck anymore. Meeting a man with a Star Fish for a head is like bumping in to your old Gym teacher, big deal. It makes me wonder what super-natural fuckery is going to be met with complete apathy in the third film;

Sailor 1: Have you met my new wife? She's a giant sea slug with 10 vaginas and pianos instead of breasts.
Sailor 2: Whatever.

Monster-lethargy aside, the real buzz in these films comes from Johnny Depp’s portrayal of the scoundrel Jack Sparrow. I rate Depp as an actor. Every role he plays is completely different from the last, something the so called "best Actors of their generation" De Niro and Pacino have never been able to pull off. Those pricks haven't changed character for at least three decades. Apparently Depp bases his performance on Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards, and does a near perfect impersonation. I wouldn't know, watching an interview with that haggard old drug whore isn't high on my list of things to do. But it certainly makes for an amusing Pirate.

The main problem with the Second film is that Sparrow has been reduced to a mere cartoon character. In one scene he actually falls off a 50 metre cliff through a dozen bridges, and comes off without a single scratch. Depp is still great fun to watch, but he had a load of great lines in Black Pearl and just seems to flop around in a rum haze in this film. It's not that this second film doesn't try for humour, the audience I watched it with giggled through out as it's infested with ticket-laughs

ticket-laugh:
To laugh out loud at a luke-warm joke you normally wouldn't find that funny, because you've made the effort to come to the cinema and already paid the exuberant ticket price so might as well "enjoy yourself".

Hee hee Johnny Depp fell over. Ho ho that skinny dork from the Office lost his wooden eye. Ha ha he just lost his eye again. And I shit you not, one of the sea monsters has a hermit crab shell for a head, and it keeps getting knocked off. This is then followed by the severed head on the ground yelling at his body to come get him. It's a gag I've already seen in a dozen Horror films, and at least one episode of the Young Ones. Lazy writing.

Speaking of writers, they must know we are getting bored with Orlando and Keira's romance as they try to squeeze an unnecessary love triangle sub-plot with Depp into the script aswell. It doesn't gel, Keira's a scrawny hag - not enough meat on her body for one man let alone two. The only person I'd recommend romancing Keira are guys who are strapped for cash. The crazy bitch only eats 4 grapes a week, think of the money you'd save on Dinner dates. And by god she sells herself well, look at this recent quote from Elle magazine:

"I'm awful. I always have freak-outs. I don't know why anyone puts up with me. I'm mostly an emotional wreck! It's stupid shit. I don't freak out about anything that actually warrants a freak-out. That I can deal with. It's the little stuff I can't deal with. Anyone who has gone out with me will tell you I have this awful tendency to cry when I get really angry. And I can't stop."

So not only is she a bulimic wreck, she's a psycho-witch too. We learn more and more about this precious Angel every day. Will anybody be surprised in a month's time when we find out she has a dick?

Don't get me wrong, the film will entertain you for a good two and a half hours there's plenty of decent scenes to amuse you (the three way sword fight is pretty epic). And I loved how they returned to Tortuga. The island is one giant whore ridden Bar Brawl, imagine Ibiza circa 18th Century. For all it's faults I did enjoy the movie, It's just not a fully memorable experience. Like the other Summer Block Busters X-Men 3 and Superman Returns, it's all spectacle and not enough heart. It didn't stay with me. I didn't walk out of the cinema wishing I was on a Pirate Ship, but found my mind wandering to other things - Like what a strip club would be like if it specialised in Siamese twins.

Sexy, and symmetrical.