This month in Adelaide

I'm back in London now, so I thought I'd post some of the Adelaide News that occurred in the month I was home.

Explosion on Pirie Street

The central business district was rocked on May 2nd when a Cafe exploded at 3am. The Cafe showered debris over the street, and took out the shoe store located above it. Crime scene investigators found the Shop owner's corpse inside the building. After two days of forensic investigation the police report was released to the public: the owner found inside had died because of the explosion. Basically "the man inside the exploding building died because the building exploded". Thanks for clearing that up CSI:ADELAIDE, here was me thinking the cause of death was Gingivitis.

Still, I guess they had to rule out the possibility that he hadn't been dragged into the builing after the fact. The police didn't rule out foul play completely. Partly because of all the petrol residue found in the building, mostly because the burnt corpse was found with a cigarette lighter welded into it's hand.


Problems for New Airport

Adelaide is one enormous chunk of suburbia. It seemed only natural that IKEA would open one of their enormous cluster fuck stores in the city. Since it has opened, there has been thousands of Adelaideans clambering to the store to get their hands on a ying yang table, or a new Dining set. Unfortunately, some genius of urban planning decided to build the mammoth store right on the exit to the new Airport.

Not only that, but the Petrol Station on the Airport road decided to axe it's prices by 10 cents on the weekend that IKEA opened. The resulting traffic congestion from these dickheaded decisions meant a lot of irate travellers missed their flights.

Besides those fuck-ups, the Airport seems to be running smoothly - though it has come under fire for looking sterile and boring. It looks how a shopping mall would look if you got a bunch of Dentists to design it.

Stormy Summers Unplugged

Adelaide's most famous Madam, Stormy Summers, has caused a stir by granting an interview to the Advertiser. The Heidi Fleiss of South Australia opened up to a local reporter, allowing photos inside Adelaide's most famous Bordello, Stormy's, to be taken for the first time. Besides an unsuccessful bid to run for Mayor, Stormy has revealed that she will be writing her life story to be released next year. I couldn't find a picture of Stormy or her brothel, so I just put one of a midget in a washing machine. I hope you don't mind.

Stormy's will always have a soft spot in my heart. As a Uni Student I used to make ends meet by working as a Pizza Delivery Boy, and the Brothel was one of our best customers. The working girls were charging $50 to their clientele for a half hour frolic, yet would complain about our 2 dollar delivery fee.

God bless those frugal whores.

Neck Up - George Lucas

We are long overdue to distribute a Neck Up Award, and the recipient is long overdue to receive one.

George Lucas has been annoying a lot of people for a while now - ever since he took a steaming shit on his much-loved Star Wars franchise by releasing those bastard prequels.

Previous inane comments made by Lucas include (and I'm paraphrasing here):

"Revenge of the Sith is for those who didn't get the first two films."

(Implying the reason we didn't enjoy the first two prequels was because we didn't 'get' them, not because they were shite).

"The prequels received poor reviews, but the Star Wars franchise has never been popular with critics."

Implying unfair bias by the critics. Even though Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back are two of the most beloved films of all time; Received four or five star ratings from 95% of the critics at the time; and there hasn't been a top 100 list in the last twenty years without at least one of the films making the top five.)

But it was this recent comment that made me sweaty with anger:

"I think Tom Cruise proved that people are getting bored with that kind of stuff. What they want they want to see is something different. And Indiana Jones, if nothing else, is always different."

He is of course referring to Mission Impossible III, and in particular it's box office receipts that have fallen well under the predicted block-buster moolah they were expecting. He is telling us Indiana Jones 4 (which is due to start filming next year) is going to be a much better film.

What exactly didn't Lucas enjoy about Mission Impossible III? The fact that it wasn't completely saturated with unconvincing computer effects? The absence of so-annoying-I want-to-stab-myself-in-the-eyes characters such as Jar Jar Binks? The simple truth that it had a greater amount of action and adventure than the entire prequel trilogy put together?

They've been toying with the idea of a new Indiana film for a few years now. There are two main reasons it has taken this long to come about:

1. They couldn't get the team together. Lucas was busy with the Star Wars prequels, Ford was busy churning out forgettable thrillers and Spielberg couldn't unwrap his lips from Tom Hanks' penis long enough to commit to anything.

2. A number of scipts were written by various writers, but Lucas was not happy with any of them.

Can you actually believe that second excuse? Lucas is the grand-daddy of the Indiana Jones and he gets final say. However, his gift of story-telling left him long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Anybody who watched the three Star Wars prequels and then listens to Lucas' opinions on the quality of plot mechanisms should be locked up in an asylum. It's like asking Paris Hilton's advice on how not to appear like a vapid slut.

We have a slight problem Mr Lucas. Besides the fact you've lost all of your movie making mojo there is this tiny dilemma:

HARRISON FORD IS TOO FUCKING OLD.

Again:

HARRISON FORD IS TOO FUCKING OLD.

You've waited too long to make this film, and now your main actor has a face like an elephant's testicle. By the time the film is finished late next year, Harrison Ford will be 65 years old. Look at this recent photo. Recognise the dirty old man?

The only thing even remotely "action star" of that picture is the slice of lime floating in the bottle of Corona. If you need further evidence that Harrison Ford is too old then look at his Last Crusade performance. Sean Connery played Jones Sr, and he was only 12 years older than Ford. Not a good sign, as Connery is spastically, spastically old. Ford was looking a bit weary in that film, and that was made 17 fucking years ago.

Fuck Indiana Jones IV, there are far more important sequels that need to be made:

Big Trouble in Little China 2
The Last Boyscout 2
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane 2
Evil Dead IV

To name but a few.

Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back - classic fucking films. Raiders of the Lost Ark still stands as one of the greatest adventure films of all time. But somewhere between the early eighties and the new millenium Lucas transformed from a Genius story teller to somebody who truly does not know what an audience wants to see.

Congratulations George Lucas. You are our second winner of the prestigous Neck Up Award, for your borish comments regarding a very decent action film (MI3) when you directed your way through a decade of crap yourself. I will send it directly to your home, please let me know if I have your correct address:

Chubby Bearded Fuck
Care Of: The Ewok Village
Colorado

In the mean time, go jump in the Sarlaac Pit where you will be slowly digested over the next thousand years. Prick.

SNN News: Warnography

Shane Warne threesome caught on film

Shane Warne has been up to his old tricks again phone texting like a giddy school girl. This time the texting has landed him a threesome with two twenty five year old models. Unfortunately for Warny they caught the whole thing on film, which was then sold to The News of the World last week. It seems poor Warney's been set up by a couple of tarts, who've used the spiky blonde horn bag as a launching pad to further their UK success stories.

There are two methods to gain fame in the UK:

1. Work hard at your vocation, apply all of your skill and thrive at the career you have chosen in the fields of Acting, Music or Sports.

2. Fuck somebody famous.

If you're struggling to make a name then suck a Soccer Player's willy and next week you'll be sipping champagne in the Big Brother spa. Apparently Warny's been the project for method two, by two young ladies already with their foot in the door of fame and just needing that extra little boost. Let's meet our flavour-of-the-month Attention Whores:

Coralie Eichholtz

This little hell-cat is a model from New Zealand, and also the owner of the flat in which the threesome took place. She had this to say about Porny-Warny:

"Shane blew our minds. I give him top marks for satisfying us. In the trouser department he was above average."

Besides having a surname I can't pronounce, Coralie has a fairly decent portfolio including shoots in Loaded, FHM, ZOO and work as a presenter on MTV. Even more impressive is the fact that she once took a swing at Cameron Diaz for stepping on her dress. Pity she didn't punch Diaz' boyfriend Justin Timberlake aswell. That guy sucks.

Emma Kearney

Young Emma hails from Warny's home turf of Australia, and had this to say about Mr Shaggy-pants:

"He made love the way I like a man to. He was a bit rough, he bit me a couple of times and was firm and manly."

Emma is the host of a TV show called Nice House, Shame About The Garden which I have never seen, mainly because it sounds fucking shitful. She's also appeared in Coronation Street and Hollyoaks, but I'll have to take imdb.com's word for it because I'd rather trim off my eyelids with nail clippers and have homeless guys piss in my eyes than watch that soap opera dredge. Emma also claims she was Kylie Minogue's body double for the film Street Fighter. I'm not entirely sure how that works - Emma is 25 and Street Fighter was released in 1994, making her 13 years old during the shoot. Whatever.

The pics of the alleged threesome originated in News of the World, and copies were published in Australian Zoo Weekly from which I got these scans. The comments and speech bubbles are also care of Zoo - Cricket Lingo is just ripe for sexual parody. These are the pre-sex photos (including a blow up dildo only Paris Hilton could accommodate) and the actual shagging footage will no doubt be available on the web soon.

Click below for the snaps (quite tame so work safe):

Part One
Part Two

It all seems kind of dubious, a little too convenient - take into account the overly good reviews that the girls gave Warny's sexual skills. Still, you have to admit it all makes for good reading. Especially considering Warny bowled 7 for 99 the day after the threesome. Maybe more players should be lubing up for an orgy the night before the big game.

As for Warny himself, I have nothing but stern praise.

Sportsmen are like Rockstars and Actors. They have thousands of women just gagging for a piece of their action. They have a right, scratch that, a downright commitment to shag as many beautiful women as possible so that the rest of us can daydream about their experiences. A Sport Star shouldn't be marrying and settling down, they should leave that to us plebs and continue their fantasy life-style. It gives us something to read in FHM when we're taking a dump, something to chat about when we're at the pub downing a few ales. God bless Warny for stepping up to the plate and accepting his responsibilities.

It wasn't that long ago that Warny's wife Simone had given him the ulitmatum, cerb the bawdy lifestyle or you're out. As any good dog owner knows, you can't keep a greyhound for a pet and it wasn't too long before Warny was texting his random girlies again. Warny seperated from Simone last July, less than a year later he's moved up from dirty texts to full on threesomes. God only knows what he'll be up to this time next year:


Warny has been getting a lot of flack for setting a bad example to the younger sport fans, but I think it's undeserved. We've got an entire generation growing up with I-Pods, Playstation and extreme sports. Cricket needs a ruthless badboy like Shane Warne to keep the little bastards interested in a sport like Cricket.

I could be wrong, maybe a promiscuis life-style is not the answer. Take Mark Waugh for instance. He fell in love with a friend of his mother's who was a lot older than him, and stayed with her throughout his entire cricket career.


That is until until recently when he broke up with her to marry a blonde 15 years her junior. To quote Sam E:

"He finally saw the light and used his
reputation to get himself some decent skirt."

God bless.

Mutha's Day

Yesterday was the second Sunday of May, which can mean only one thing in Australia: Mother's Day. It's a day late, but I wish the best of luck to all of the wonderful women of this world who have spat forth new life from their wombs.

Happy Mother's Day to you all, especially the MILFs!

Stiffler's Mom = MILF!


Marissa's Mom = MILF!


Gilbert Grape's Mom = MILF!

Review - Mission Impossible III

Tom Cruise is a Mad Fuck.

But when he's not busy touring the chat show circuits ranting about Alien Gods and chewing on After-birth, he's actually a fairly decent actor. And MI3 (as us cool kids call it) is more than a decent film. Allow me to elaborate.

I first came across the Mission Impossible franchise back in 1996. I was dragged along to the film reluctantly, expecting this 'remake' to be another run of the mill action wank. I was pleasantly surprised by the film, enjoying it's clever plot and exciting action scenes.

Fast forward to the year 2000, Mission Impossible 2. Mildly entertaining action thriller, strangled by John Woo's insistence on Slow Motion and 'birds flying in front of camera' style of filming. The stunts were also sillier than usual as Woo treated physics and gravity like a couple of dirty whores. The end result was that I lost interest in the MI franchise.

Move ahead to roughly five hours ago. I'm checking the listings for my local cinema for a showing of V for Vendetta. I've missed the last showing, but have time to catch a special preview of MI-3. The trailer looked like a fairly well made film - but bridges shot up by jets and base jumping from sky scrapers? We've seen it all a dozen times before. With that thought in my head, and John Woo's cinematic cum still dripping off my brain I strolled into the cinema with very low expectations. I was proven wrong. Why?

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE III IS A FUCKING GOOD FILM.

Yes, you read it. Caps-Lock and all. The film is book-ended by a tense scenario involving Cruise and the villian, played superbly by Phillip Seymour Hoffman. After the iconic match lighting fuse opening, we are introduced to our main players - Hunt, and his lovely fiancee Julia. You see, Ethan has retired from the world of espionage, and works as an Agent Instructor instead. He's set up home with his bride-to-be, and happy to put the whole 'getting shot at in slow motion' life behind him.

But this is a Mission: Impossible movie, not a Mission: Rot in the Suburbs While My Wife Who No Longer Has Sex With Me Yells At Our Two Bratty Kids Who Hate Me, Then Yells At Me For Not Taking the Rubbish Out Again movie- and sure enough Ethan is handed a recue mission by his task-force boss. (Note: I've always wondered by the Mission Impossible Parameters - "Your mission, should you choose to accept it...".. Does this mean you can turn jobs down? If so, how many 'missions' could you turn down before your superiors kick up a fuss? Is it possible to spend a year declining missions, sitting at home watching Spongebob while your co-workers get shot and blown up?)

It's 2AM and I have to catch a plane to Port Lincoln in five hours, so I'm not going in to the finer details such as plot. Rest assured, for a spy film like this there's plenty of twists and turns as the story bends around like a cobra with Heroin withdrawl. The action comes along at a frantic pace - every ten or so minutes there is some kind of rescue mission, kidnap, escape or theft. It's like Mission Impossible One on Crystal Meth, all done with guns and gadgets that would make James Bond shit his plants in awe. It's a superb cinematic ride, with guns and helicopter explosions ringing in your ears the entire time. This is the kind of movie that makes you glad you invested in surround sound for your home theatre.

There's a Berlin Factoy Resuce mission, a daring Vatican City raid, (not easy considering the intricate surveillance and the fact that Pope Benedict and his legion of Vampires may be lurking in the cellars) and a daring roof top run in Shanghai. I've actually run across roof tops in China myself. But I was high on Rice Wine and thought Pandas were chasing me. I travelled China with the two mad bastards shown below, thinking back I was lucky to survive the trip at all.


But I'm going off on a tangent now, back to the review.

MI-3 has fantastic casting, more effort than is usually prescribed for an action flick of this calibre. Just about every role is played by a recognisable actor - even Laurence Fishburne and Billy Crudup are dragged into the action as Cruise's superiors. There is a believable dynamic between Cruise and his team, and the romance bewteen himself and his girl makes for a strong sub-plot.

At the end of the day this is a much tighter and better made film than Woo's wanky MI-2. I was so impressed with the film that I took a leaf out of Tom Cruise's book and joined the Scientology Cult as soon as I left the cinema. If anyone wants me, I'll be down at the local church chewing on Placentas and praying to the Martian Deity Zargalool.


THIS REVIEW WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY. IN ZARGALOOL WE TRUST.

Cyclone Monica Update

I got hold of Ben last week to inquire about his adventures inside Cyclone Monica. His response was this:

The Cyclone was a category five when it was coming through the water, but dropped down to category one by the time it reached inland. The resulting Cyclone was three hours of rain with a mild wind that felt like an old woman farting in your face.

What an anti-climax. The News reports stated that Cyclone Monica was going to be a magnificient whore beast of a storm to rival even Cyclone Tracey. We were expecting armageddon, and what we got was mild inconvenience.

Cyclone Tracey was God's little temper tantrum that rained down on Darwin on Christmas Eve in 1974. Scientist believed that it looked something like this:


I was going to look up some more facts and figures on cyclones, and then realised that I couldn't be arsed. So to fill out this paragraph, I will now proceed to bounce my testicles on top of the keyboard agglaggas;pvantiou 8a;dflkjgvan rewoptk qegj98eqw9gnqe geqh9h8qgejnvvan;a;nv avwejoivj0j[vjovva0jamaermou5yj'ihea]okpehw64he4r813geapjkog egjopgmlgjpk gajpmgjpogapjkoga gaejpogjp.