Auto-Tune

I’ve been watching the “Auto-tune the News” series on YouTube, where musician Michael Gregory has been using an Auto-tuner to turn news Broadcasts into songs. If you haven’t seen it, this latest one is pretty catchy:




Smoking Lettuce is bad for you by the way. Thanks for clearing that up C-Span.

Purchase

We often sit around work on our lunch breaks sifting through the Shopper Classifieds in that behemoth of South Australian Correspondence (ie The Advertiser), and chuckle at the useless shit people are trying to sell for a quick buck. Luke spotted a pearler in today’s copy, which I have scanned for your convenience:



Most probably a hoax, but you never know with Adelaide.

If Kim Jong doesn't wipe us out, the pigs will

I was treating this whole Swine Flu cluster-fuck with the same bored indifference I offered SARS and Bird Flu when they struck a few years back. This just seemed like another disease scare with annoyingly vague symptoms (a cough, runny nose, body aches – that’s pretty much how I feel every morning when I wake up), and an excuse for the media to post photos of Asian people wearing surgical masks out in public, and I swear it’s the same stock photos used for the last couple of “Worldwide Panic” stories.

Photo used for SARS 2002, Bird Flu 2006, Swine Flu 2009 and will return for Squirrel AIDS in 2011.

Of course, The Advertiser has jumped onto the media scare wagon with urgent information, including prevention tips such as “Washing your hands before and after eating food” – something my Grandma used to tell me often as a child, and I had no idea she was preparing me for a Swine Flu pandemic. The Newspaper even posted pictures of what the Swine Flu virus looks like, I guess so you can avoid it if you see it walking down the street.

One thing for sure, this disease has legs and Australia has been one of the hardest hit countries. Current Swine Flu Leader Board as of June 17th (number of confirmed cases):

1. USA 17,837
2. MEXICO 6403
3. CANADA 4049
4. CHILE 3125
5. AUSTRALIA 1965
6. UK 1461
7. ARGENTINA 871
8. JAPAN 638
9. SPAIN 488
10. THAILAND 310

On the local front, South Australia is currently fourth (we had 89 confirmed cases on Monday), Queensland third, New South Wales second, and Victoria is number one with a bullet, counting for over 80% of the Australian figures. Scientific Scare-mongers have estimated that one in three Victorians could contract the disease. I was surprised to see Queensland lagging, what with that state looking like a pig’s head and all:

Stay tuned for further updates.

Honestly, where would we be without Science?

From Yahoo News:

”A force known as orbital chaos may cause our solar system to go haywire, leading to a possible collision between Earth and Venus or Mars, according to a study released on Wednesday.”

You are probably shitting your pants in fear right now, but you shouldn’t be too concerned for two reasons:

1. ”The good news is that the likelihood of such a smash-up is small, around one-in-2500.”

And

2. “...even if the planets did careen into one another, it would not happen before another 3.5 billion years.”

Welcome kids, to yet another inane Scientific Study.

Scientists often make extraordinary breakthroughs and discoveries regarding atoms and molecules and all of that stuff and nobody gives a shit, which upsets them deeply. So every once in a while they’ll get together and make outlandish claims that the media can drench in hyperbole and thrill the public with. Then the Scientists will see their names in print, high five each other, then go back to jerking off cats or whatever the hell it is these fuckers do for a living.

You’ve seen this shit before, a headline will scream out ”THERE MAY HAVE BEEN LIFE ON MARS” that will titillate you while you drink your morning latte on your way to work, only to get to the end of the article to find the statement“But probably not.” It’s a load of shit, but still more entertaining for the casual reader than actual real scientific discoveries (New Breed of Lungworn Found....etc).

Likewise, the Planet Collision story we are discussing here came under the headline

EARTH AND VENUS MAY COLLIDE

A quick perusal of the article and the less exciting truth becomes apparent:

”Indeed, there is a 99 per cent chance that the sun's posse of planets will continue to circle in an orderly pattern throughout the expected life span of our life-giving star, another five billion years, the study found.”

Well done dickheads. I just did my own study and found that in a trillion years Cockroaches will evolve into killing machines and murder all remaining life on Earth, though my results show that “This probably won’t happen”. Do I get any grant money?

The “Experts” credited with these lame discoveries further deflate their hot air balloon of bullshit with this confession:

But peering further into the future of celestial mechanics with exactitude is still beyond our reach, said Jacques Laskar, a researcher at the Observatoire de Paris and lead author of the study.

"The most precise long term solutions for the orbital motion of the solar system are not valid over more than a few tens of millions of years," he said in an interview.

Right. So we can’t make any accurate solar system predictions past a 20 million year arc. That kind of leads me to ask the obvious question: Why are these French Cum-Splats giving advice on a five billion year time scale?

How exactly are they running these scenarios anyway? I picture a group of eggheads going down to the local pub on a lunch break, writing the names of the planets on some billiard balls, then writing down their findings as they down beers and play Snooker for a few hours. But no, this is now how they did it: They used computers. Super, Duper extremely brainy computers.

”Using powerful computers, Laskar and colleague Mickael Gastineau generated numerical simulations of orbital instability over the next five billion years.”

Fantastic.

Okay, so Earth survived that scenario. Let’s watch 2500 more, then we’ll download some Hentai Porn.

It’s such a shame that Scientists waste all of their efforts on shit like this. Just imagine if the world’s brainiacs stopped trying to generate Doomsday plots, or find moss on Mars, or work out if Dinosaurs could talk – and did something genuinely productive with their time. Like, Oh geez I dunno, find a cure for Cancer. Or Aids.

I hate Scientists.

Jelly Belly Spits on Your Grave

I dropped into Matt and Schona’s Broadview home on Saturday night for a small get-together of ex-Londoners, which resulted in some Nostalgic London banter and a nice meal. The small gathering of people dispersed at various reasonable hours due to work commitments or social engagements (the Sea and Vines Festival was on the next day), until there was just Matt and myself left to polish off the red wine, which we managed to accomplish by a little after 3am.

I awoke at noon the next day in the spare room, feeling like Lumberjacks had torn off the top of my skull and shat on my brain. It was at roughly this point that Dowling rang me and invited me to go watch the regional Women’s Hockey semi final in Port Adelaide, an invitation so random I dared not turn it down.

The thought of sitting on some wooden benches in the drizzling rain seemed daunting to both of us, so we decided to stop at a Supermarket to stock up on some Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee (which is an ideal tonic in these circumstances). It was while procuring these items that I had a sudden urge to purchase additional sugar related necessities, so made my way to the confectionery aisle.

Amongst the usual fanfare of chocolate and candy, one product caught my eye:


I’m a big fan of Jelly Belly brand Jelly Beans (“the Gourmet Bean”), so was naturally curious. The back of the box revealed the product’s grand scheme:


Although my scan is a little blurry, you get the general idea. The jelly beans are added as pairs, one normal and one disgusting, and you cannot tell the two apart. So that green bean you grab from the box could taste like a Juicy Pear, or it could taste like a Booger. Yes, a Booger. Essentially it is the Russian Roulette of candy.

I am no stranger to the Extreme style of candy products – I’ve eaten Warheads before, stuffed twenty Hi-Sours into my mouth in the middle of a schoolyard, and even licked Magic Gum off a Hooker’s ass. Okay, maybe that isn’t all true. It was more like a dozen Hi-Sours and not twenty. The point is that I felt no need to be scared of this latest trend in confectionary warfare – so purchased “Bean Boozled” as a Hockey Match snack.

I thought I would give the beans a test run before we got to the car, and so popped a solitary orange one into my mouth, wondering if it would be Peach flavor….or vomit. About half a second of chewing later revealed the answer: it was vomit flavor. It was here that the lunacy of Bean Boozled became apparent – the vomit jelly bean didn’t taste “kinda gross”, it tasted like half digested food mixed with stomach acid. It tasted like actual honest to god puke. I ended up spitting the bastard into the gutter with the phlegm velocity of an adult Llama.

Dowling and I ended up sitting in the stands watching the Hockey and slowly working our way through the pack, albeit with many five minute nausea breaks. We got a few funny looks from the spectators and parents in the stand, as we gingerly ate jelly beans from our seemingly innocent box of candy, only to moan in agony before spitting the beans into our hands and throwing them behind us like hand grenades.




I’ve never eaten pencil shavings before, but they tasted exactly like they smelt. I missed out on Black Pepper, which Dowling likened to chewing on about ten peppercorns at once – but I did manage to eat five Boogers in a row. We both agreed that the Rotten Egg flavor was the worst.

This is what the Bean Boozled experience is like

Dowling pointed out that as far as games go this was a pretty cruel one. It wasn’t like the ratio of “sickening” flavours to “pleasant” ones was fifty-fifty, but more like 95 – five, and the bad ones were truly nauseating. I was intrigued as to why a confectionary company, especially one as expensive and top shelf as Jelly Belly, would release such a foul product. Research did not reveal a motive, but it did reveal that there were two sets of pairs in the USA edition missing from the pack I bought here in Adelaide:



I didn’t get to try Ear Wax, or find out what a Skunk’s anal scent glands taste like, so I do feel a little cheated. Still, I've definitely ticked another box:


You have to seriously wonder though, who comes up with stuff like this and releases it on an unexpecting public?:


Was it this guy?


I think it was. Damn you Doctor Treeface.

The Devil will probably not accept your facebook friend request

Even though we aren’t even halfway through the year yet, I think I might have found the best film title of 2009:



I like it. It’s sincere.

The website offers this synopsis:

Inspired by films from the golden age of religious cinema, SATAN HATES YOU is a graphic horror movie that tells the stories of two individuals and their personal struggles with Lucifer himself. In the film we follow Marc (Don Wood), a homicidal maniac driven by demons buried deep within his soul and Wendy (Christine Spencer), who lives life fast and hard without any thought to the consequences. Their separate paths will eventually cross, but will it be on the road to salvation or the highway to hell?

This is the kind of spastic shit I can really get involved with. The film opens in the US this month, but I can’t see an Adelaide release happening any time soon so I might download it later this year.

That’s all I really have to say about the subject for now. Any questions?


Yes Timmy. Satan hates you.

Done

Well this is it, the final post for May-hem II.

It was a solid month of posts, and kind of drizzled out at the finish here with a handful of short articles, but not to worry as I will tie up any loose ends over the next week or so. It was a struggle to get the posts finished in the last few days. It was so much easier to get posts up for the first half of the month when I was hardly working, and not drinking – and I think that realisation surprises absolutely nobody. Still, even in those early weeks I was up until 4am getting the writing finished (having procrastinated for most of each day), and I’m finishing this current post at just after 3am. The shoddy blog is still set on UK time, something I didn’t realise until starting this little mission, so it doesn’t reflect the late-ass nights I’ve been spending on them. Its been amusing, but I’m certainly glad its over.

Anyway, today was another day of football and beers. I watched the Crows defeat Hawthorn at Footy Park, taking in some beers with Prowse and Richo – followed by a viewing of the Port game at the Cooper’s Alehouse with Richo and Stranger, finishing up last drinks at a respectable 10pm.

Christ – that’s four matches I watched in three days, and if I watch any more football I’m going to pop a Sherrin out of my anus. Glad its over for another week.

Its June now kids, so back to our regular sporadic posting. Stay tuned.