Honestly, where would we be without Science?

From Yahoo News:

”A force known as orbital chaos may cause our solar system to go haywire, leading to a possible collision between Earth and Venus or Mars, according to a study released on Wednesday.”

You are probably shitting your pants in fear right now, but you shouldn’t be too concerned for two reasons:

1. ”The good news is that the likelihood of such a smash-up is small, around one-in-2500.”

And

2. “...even if the planets did careen into one another, it would not happen before another 3.5 billion years.”

Welcome kids, to yet another inane Scientific Study.

Scientists often make extraordinary breakthroughs and discoveries regarding atoms and molecules and all of that stuff and nobody gives a shit, which upsets them deeply. So every once in a while they’ll get together and make outlandish claims that the media can drench in hyperbole and thrill the public with. Then the Scientists will see their names in print, high five each other, then go back to jerking off cats or whatever the hell it is these fuckers do for a living.

You’ve seen this shit before, a headline will scream out ”THERE MAY HAVE BEEN LIFE ON MARS” that will titillate you while you drink your morning latte on your way to work, only to get to the end of the article to find the statement“But probably not.” It’s a load of shit, but still more entertaining for the casual reader than actual real scientific discoveries (New Breed of Lungworn Found....etc).

Likewise, the Planet Collision story we are discussing here came under the headline

EARTH AND VENUS MAY COLLIDE

A quick perusal of the article and the less exciting truth becomes apparent:

”Indeed, there is a 99 per cent chance that the sun's posse of planets will continue to circle in an orderly pattern throughout the expected life span of our life-giving star, another five billion years, the study found.”

Well done dickheads. I just did my own study and found that in a trillion years Cockroaches will evolve into killing machines and murder all remaining life on Earth, though my results show that “This probably won’t happen”. Do I get any grant money?

The “Experts” credited with these lame discoveries further deflate their hot air balloon of bullshit with this confession:

But peering further into the future of celestial mechanics with exactitude is still beyond our reach, said Jacques Laskar, a researcher at the Observatoire de Paris and lead author of the study.

"The most precise long term solutions for the orbital motion of the solar system are not valid over more than a few tens of millions of years," he said in an interview.

Right. So we can’t make any accurate solar system predictions past a 20 million year arc. That kind of leads me to ask the obvious question: Why are these French Cum-Splats giving advice on a five billion year time scale?

How exactly are they running these scenarios anyway? I picture a group of eggheads going down to the local pub on a lunch break, writing the names of the planets on some billiard balls, then writing down their findings as they down beers and play Snooker for a few hours. But no, this is now how they did it: They used computers. Super, Duper extremely brainy computers.

”Using powerful computers, Laskar and colleague Mickael Gastineau generated numerical simulations of orbital instability over the next five billion years.”

Fantastic.

Okay, so Earth survived that scenario. Let’s watch 2500 more, then we’ll download some Hentai Porn.

It’s such a shame that Scientists waste all of their efforts on shit like this. Just imagine if the world’s brainiacs stopped trying to generate Doomsday plots, or find moss on Mars, or work out if Dinosaurs could talk – and did something genuinely productive with their time. Like, Oh geez I dunno, find a cure for Cancer. Or Aids.

I hate Scientists.