Jelly Belly Spits on Your Grave
I dropped into Matt and Schona’s Broadview home on Saturday night for a small get-together of ex-Londoners, which resulted in some Nostalgic London banter and a nice meal. The small gathering of people dispersed at various reasonable hours due to work commitments or social engagements (the Sea and Vines Festival was on the next day), until there was just Matt and myself left to polish off the red wine, which we managed to accomplish by a little after 3am.
I awoke at noon the next day in the spare room, feeling like Lumberjacks had torn off the top of my skull and shat on my brain. It was at roughly this point that Dowling rang me and invited me to go watch the regional Women’s Hockey semi final in Port Adelaide, an invitation so random I dared not turn it down.
The thought of sitting on some wooden benches in the drizzling rain seemed daunting to both of us, so we decided to stop at a Supermarket to stock up on some Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee (which is an ideal tonic in these circumstances). It was while procuring these items that I had a sudden urge to purchase additional sugar related necessities, so made my way to the confectionery aisle.
Amongst the usual fanfare of chocolate and candy, one product caught my eye:
I’m a big fan of Jelly Belly brand Jelly Beans (“the Gourmet Bean”), so was naturally curious. The back of the box revealed the product’s grand scheme:
Although my scan is a little blurry, you get the general idea. The jelly beans are added as pairs, one normal and one disgusting, and you cannot tell the two apart. So that green bean you grab from the box could taste like a Juicy Pear, or it could taste like a Booger. Yes, a Booger. Essentially it is the Russian Roulette of candy.
I am no stranger to the Extreme style of candy products – I’ve eaten Warheads before, stuffed twenty Hi-Sours into my mouth in the middle of a schoolyard, and even licked Magic Gum off a Hooker’s ass. Okay, maybe that isn’t all true. It was more like a dozen Hi-Sours and not twenty. The point is that I felt no need to be scared of this latest trend in confectionary warfare – so purchased “Bean Boozled” as a Hockey Match snack.
I thought I would give the beans a test run before we got to the car, and so popped a solitary orange one into my mouth, wondering if it would be Peach flavor….or vomit. About half a second of chewing later revealed the answer: it was vomit flavor. It was here that the lunacy of Bean Boozled became apparent – the vomit jelly bean didn’t taste “kinda gross”, it tasted like half digested food mixed with stomach acid. It tasted like actual honest to god puke. I ended up spitting the bastard into the gutter with the phlegm velocity of an adult Llama.
Dowling and I ended up sitting in the stands watching the Hockey and slowly working our way through the pack, albeit with many five minute nausea breaks. We got a few funny looks from the spectators and parents in the stand, as we gingerly ate jelly beans from our seemingly innocent box of candy, only to moan in agony before spitting the beans into our hands and throwing them behind us like hand grenades.
I’ve never eaten pencil shavings before, but they tasted exactly like they smelt. I missed out on Black Pepper, which Dowling likened to chewing on about ten peppercorns at once – but I did manage to eat five Boogers in a row. We both agreed that the Rotten Egg flavor was the worst.
Dowling pointed out that as far as games go this was a pretty cruel one. It wasn’t like the ratio of “sickening” flavours to “pleasant” ones was fifty-fifty, but more like 95 – five, and the bad ones were truly nauseating. I was intrigued as to why a confectionary company, especially one as expensive and top shelf as Jelly Belly, would release such a foul product. Research did not reveal a motive, but it did reveal that there were two sets of pairs in the USA edition missing from the pack I bought here in Adelaide:
I didn’t get to try Ear Wax, or find out what a Skunk’s anal scent glands taste like, so I do feel a little cheated. Still, I've definitely ticked another box:
You have to seriously wonder though, who comes up with stuff like this and releases it on an unexpecting public?:
Was it this guy?
I think it was. Damn you Doctor Treeface.
I awoke at noon the next day in the spare room, feeling like Lumberjacks had torn off the top of my skull and shat on my brain. It was at roughly this point that Dowling rang me and invited me to go watch the regional Women’s Hockey semi final in Port Adelaide, an invitation so random I dared not turn it down.
The thought of sitting on some wooden benches in the drizzling rain seemed daunting to both of us, so we decided to stop at a Supermarket to stock up on some Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee (which is an ideal tonic in these circumstances). It was while procuring these items that I had a sudden urge to purchase additional sugar related necessities, so made my way to the confectionery aisle.
Amongst the usual fanfare of chocolate and candy, one product caught my eye:
I’m a big fan of Jelly Belly brand Jelly Beans (“the Gourmet Bean”), so was naturally curious. The back of the box revealed the product’s grand scheme:
Although my scan is a little blurry, you get the general idea. The jelly beans are added as pairs, one normal and one disgusting, and you cannot tell the two apart. So that green bean you grab from the box could taste like a Juicy Pear, or it could taste like a Booger. Yes, a Booger. Essentially it is the Russian Roulette of candy.
I am no stranger to the Extreme style of candy products – I’ve eaten Warheads before, stuffed twenty Hi-Sours into my mouth in the middle of a schoolyard, and even licked Magic Gum off a Hooker’s ass. Okay, maybe that isn’t all true. It was more like a dozen Hi-Sours and not twenty. The point is that I felt no need to be scared of this latest trend in confectionary warfare – so purchased “Bean Boozled” as a Hockey Match snack.
I thought I would give the beans a test run before we got to the car, and so popped a solitary orange one into my mouth, wondering if it would be Peach flavor….or vomit. About half a second of chewing later revealed the answer: it was vomit flavor. It was here that the lunacy of Bean Boozled became apparent – the vomit jelly bean didn’t taste “kinda gross”, it tasted like half digested food mixed with stomach acid. It tasted like actual honest to god puke. I ended up spitting the bastard into the gutter with the phlegm velocity of an adult Llama.
Dowling and I ended up sitting in the stands watching the Hockey and slowly working our way through the pack, albeit with many five minute nausea breaks. We got a few funny looks from the spectators and parents in the stand, as we gingerly ate jelly beans from our seemingly innocent box of candy, only to moan in agony before spitting the beans into our hands and throwing them behind us like hand grenades.
I’ve never eaten pencil shavings before, but they tasted exactly like they smelt. I missed out on Black Pepper, which Dowling likened to chewing on about ten peppercorns at once – but I did manage to eat five Boogers in a row. We both agreed that the Rotten Egg flavor was the worst.
This is what the Bean Boozled experience is like
Dowling pointed out that as far as games go this was a pretty cruel one. It wasn’t like the ratio of “sickening” flavours to “pleasant” ones was fifty-fifty, but more like 95 – five, and the bad ones were truly nauseating. I was intrigued as to why a confectionary company, especially one as expensive and top shelf as Jelly Belly, would release such a foul product. Research did not reveal a motive, but it did reveal that there were two sets of pairs in the USA edition missing from the pack I bought here in Adelaide:
I didn’t get to try Ear Wax, or find out what a Skunk’s anal scent glands taste like, so I do feel a little cheated. Still, I've definitely ticked another box:
You have to seriously wonder though, who comes up with stuff like this and releases it on an unexpecting public?:
Was it this guy?
I think it was. Damn you Doctor Treeface.
posted by Beef at Thursday, June 11, 2009
2 Comments:
Dude, have you read Harry Potter?
I haven’t read the books, but now that you mention it I remember one of the films where the kids were eating Surprise sweets that had the chance of tasting like bodily functions, and even Dumbledore had one. I recall thinking at the time “Ear Wax flavoured Jelly Beans? Those fucking wizards are crazy! There’s no way you could get that in real life”
I stand corrected.
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