Eight Facts
1. I'm currently at work.
Friday afternoon and the working week has almost finished. Job enthusiasm has been running a little low today and everybody's attention has been drawn to other pursuits. The guy to my left (Jimmy) is watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (care of LimeWire) for about the fifth time this year. The guy to my right is looking up Russian Mail Order Brides. I'm trying to make a paper Swan, which brings me to fact number two.
2. My Origami skills SUCK
I've got a project note in front of me (kind of like a cover sheet for a TPS report, and yes I got the memo), and I'm trying to fold it into an Origami Swan by following the instructions I found on the web. The finished product on the web-site looks like an elegantly folded paper bird. The crumpled mess in my hands looks nothing like that. This angers me.
3. Jimmy's toe nail fell off
Jimmy was playing Football a few weeks ago and badly stubbed the Big Toe on his right foot. The toe nail on said foot went completely black and a few days ago it completed lifted up out of the toe, kind of like Jeff Goldblum's finger nails in The Fly. Jimmy explained the whole thing to me in explicit detail, and I honestly have dry reached three time while typing this story.
4. Steve's veneer fell off
My other Co-worker was eating a bagel at lunch today, and he chipped one of his front teeth. Half of the tooth veneer came off and not realising it at the time, he swallowed it. Gross. And now he has to make a Dental appointment, which isn't something British people generally do.
5. Dirty Sanchez are making a movie
Just found out that Dirty Sanchez (known in the states as Team Sanchez) are making a film which will be released some time next year. If you're not familiar with their work, the group consists of four Bat-Shit-crazy British Skaters who perform a number of painful stunts to themselves, and each other. Obviously inspired by MTV's Jackass, these insane fucks have taken the self mutilation thing a few steps further. Situations from the film include a scene in Thailand where the guys drink from a glass of freshly liposuctioned fat while getting hand jobs from a hooker. I'm honestly not making this shit up, and I've just presented my third gag-worthy fact in a row.
6. I won 50 quid
I won fifty pounds on a scratch card I got from my local Newsagency. The usual and most common amount won on these things is £1, and the elderly shop owner actually came out from behind the counter and hugged me when I collected the winnings. Twas an emotional moment in both our lives.
7. My house sucks
Is more or less what Gary the builder told me when he checked the damage on Wednesday morning. He was there to get a repair quote for our landlord, now that her insurance has been approved and we have the green light for reconstruction. The casualties of our dilapidated domicile include a shower, toilet, multiple light fixtures, and the Kitchen ceiling. I have started referring to our home as The Paper Street Soap Company, and any women who got that reference without Googling can have my hand in marriage. Gary took notice of the cans wedged into the roofing, the leaky crumbling pipes, the slipshod floorboards. He then told me that the previous builders had not done a very professional job. I replied "Really? I thought Cave-ins were a sign of structural excellence."
We both bathed in the warmth of my sarcasm.
8. Jimmy and I cleaned the Kitchen
Sick of tip-toeing around the Hezbollah rubble of our Kitchen, Jimmy and I finally spent a night clearing all of the shit out. Filthy, mouldy, stinky rubble which included a fake beard we found amongst the debris(!?). The toils of our labour can still be seen in front of our house, as the Garbage Collectors did not take away the rubbish bags full of kitchen remnants. Useless bastards.
On that note, I'm out of here. Enjoy the week end.
Friday afternoon and the working week has almost finished. Job enthusiasm has been running a little low today and everybody's attention has been drawn to other pursuits. The guy to my left (Jimmy) is watching Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (care of LimeWire) for about the fifth time this year. The guy to my right is looking up Russian Mail Order Brides. I'm trying to make a paper Swan, which brings me to fact number two.
2. My Origami skills SUCK
I've got a project note in front of me (kind of like a cover sheet for a TPS report, and yes I got the memo), and I'm trying to fold it into an Origami Swan by following the instructions I found on the web. The finished product on the web-site looks like an elegantly folded paper bird. The crumpled mess in my hands looks nothing like that. This angers me.
3. Jimmy's toe nail fell off
Jimmy was playing Football a few weeks ago and badly stubbed the Big Toe on his right foot. The toe nail on said foot went completely black and a few days ago it completed lifted up out of the toe, kind of like Jeff Goldblum's finger nails in The Fly. Jimmy explained the whole thing to me in explicit detail, and I honestly have dry reached three time while typing this story.
4. Steve's veneer fell off
My other Co-worker was eating a bagel at lunch today, and he chipped one of his front teeth. Half of the tooth veneer came off and not realising it at the time, he swallowed it. Gross. And now he has to make a Dental appointment, which isn't something British people generally do.
5. Dirty Sanchez are making a movie
Just found out that Dirty Sanchez (known in the states as Team Sanchez) are making a film which will be released some time next year. If you're not familiar with their work, the group consists of four Bat-Shit-crazy British Skaters who perform a number of painful stunts to themselves, and each other. Obviously inspired by MTV's Jackass, these insane fucks have taken the self mutilation thing a few steps further. Situations from the film include a scene in Thailand where the guys drink from a glass of freshly liposuctioned fat while getting hand jobs from a hooker. I'm honestly not making this shit up, and I've just presented my third gag-worthy fact in a row.
6. I won 50 quid
I won fifty pounds on a scratch card I got from my local Newsagency. The usual and most common amount won on these things is £1, and the elderly shop owner actually came out from behind the counter and hugged me when I collected the winnings. Twas an emotional moment in both our lives.
7. My house sucks
Is more or less what Gary the builder told me when he checked the damage on Wednesday morning. He was there to get a repair quote for our landlord, now that her insurance has been approved and we have the green light for reconstruction. The casualties of our dilapidated domicile include a shower, toilet, multiple light fixtures, and the Kitchen ceiling. I have started referring to our home as The Paper Street Soap Company, and any women who got that reference without Googling can have my hand in marriage. Gary took notice of the cans wedged into the roofing, the leaky crumbling pipes, the slipshod floorboards. He then told me that the previous builders had not done a very professional job. I replied "Really? I thought Cave-ins were a sign of structural excellence."
We both bathed in the warmth of my sarcasm.
8. Jimmy and I cleaned the Kitchen
Sick of tip-toeing around the Hezbollah rubble of our Kitchen, Jimmy and I finally spent a night clearing all of the shit out. Filthy, mouldy, stinky rubble which included a fake beard we found amongst the debris(!?). The toils of our labour can still be seen in front of our house, as the Garbage Collectors did not take away the rubbish bags full of kitchen remnants. Useless bastards.
On that note, I'm out of here. Enjoy the week end.
posted by Beef at Saturday, August 05, 2006
7 Comments:
Ceiling cat is photo shopped so well that I can't stop laughing. You nailed the shadowing and everything.
Also, I cannot marry you. Sorry. I plan to marry a highly intelligent shade of the color blue.
My old boss had a mail-order bride. Not kidding. He loved her. She yelled in Russian. He was incredibly nerdy. She didn't seem to mind. Impressively she was fairly pretty. He lucked out.
On the plus-side of living in my truck my house can't cave in. That really sucks. Nice cat.
He was inspired to look up Russian mail order Brides, because he noticed me doing it earlier. I had come across the link looking up Latvian Night Clubs (I'm going to Riga in a few weeks).
I've put a down payment on a lovely young lady named Olga, who once ripped a Bear's head off for a three potato bet.
Desiree are you marrying the dog from Blue's Clues?
(My first guess before I hit Google. Never read The Hitchhikers's Guide).
On toe nail removal I once spend a whole day at work removing a big toenail that had died over the previous two months after repeatedly pounding it into hard dirt playing cricket. I used a small (flat head) screwdriver and a pair of (small PC) pliers to pull as I jimmied with the driver. The nail came off whole ( fairly big one as I port size 13s) and about a half litre of puss and blood ws hiding under there. The guy I was sharing an office with didn`t come in the next day.
I cannot beleive you never read Hitchikers. That is the bible. It is holy. You have to read the whole trilogy (all five books.) I mean, I got your reference without googling it and also? Blue from blue's clues is a girl. I know. Why didn't they make her pink?
Campbell? I might not come into work tomorrow after hearing that story.
Conclusion after more Googling: My god, Blue is a girl. I've only ever seen one episode of blue's Clues. There were two dogs, one blue, one pink (her name is Magenta).
I automatically assumed they were using the classic eons old gender specific colour scheme, and that blue=boy, pink=girl.
Not to be, they are both chicks. Christ, how confusing for the poor kids watching the fucking show.
I suppose that dork with the green stripey top is a woman also?
Si, I want your hand in marriage for using the Paper Street Soap Company reference. NO actually, I just want to come around and play golf on your front lawn.
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