Enough with the Pig AIDS, it's time for SPORT
(If you’re not an Aussie Rules fan skip this next post because it will bore you. Back to regular postings about booze and morning boners next week, until then, I dunno, go read a Twilight novel or something.)
It’s round 18 of the Aussie Rules season, meaning it is not long now until the finals. Saint Kilda is still undefeated at the top of the ladder, with Geelong only two games behind that. Those two teams are pretty much secure in their positions, but it’s extremely close for the next four teams who are all aiming for a third or fourth finish (meaning a double chance in the finals):
And the next four teams on the ladder also have an outside chance of securing a top four position.
It could come down to percentage for a top four birth, so these next five rounds will be a tense battle, like a condom full of bull ants.
As a Crows supporter, this is how I would like to see this weekend’s results: ranked good, better best. Best meaning the least likely outcome, yet the optimal change to the ladder for the crows. I want to see the teams with the threatening percentages lose by large margins, but if they do win I want it to be by a small amount. If you find this confusing, then switch off the computer and go watch Dancing with the Stars.
By the way, I consider “fuck all” to mean “2 goals or less”, “shitloads” to mean “5 goals or more”. (I pretty much just made this whole system up on the spot, so there may be a few creases to iron out. If you have any ideas, fee free to email me at fuckahamster@witchtits.com).
There are two other games this weekend, Sydney vs St Kilda and Melbourne vs Richmond, but their outcome has no bearing on the Crows chances so I have left them off the list.
And lastly, if I am gunning for your team to lose by a shitload this weekend, then I apologise for hurting your feelings, but that’s the tough world of sports. If your team does lose by a shitload this weekend and you find yourself sad, I’ll buy you an Edward Cullen poster to cheer you up. Stick it on your bathroom wall and gaze at it while you masturbate with your shower attachment.
It’s round 18 of the Aussie Rules season, meaning it is not long now until the finals. Saint Kilda is still undefeated at the top of the ladder, with Geelong only two games behind that. Those two teams are pretty much secure in their positions, but it’s extremely close for the next four teams who are all aiming for a third or fourth finish (meaning a double chance in the finals):
And the next four teams on the ladder also have an outside chance of securing a top four position.
It could come down to percentage for a top four birth, so these next five rounds will be a tense battle, like a condom full of bull ants.
As a Crows supporter, this is how I would like to see this weekend’s results: ranked good, better best. Best meaning the least likely outcome, yet the optimal change to the ladder for the crows. I want to see the teams with the threatening percentages lose by large margins, but if they do win I want it to be by a small amount. If you find this confusing, then switch off the computer and go watch Dancing with the Stars.
ROUND 18
North Melbourne vs Carlton
Carlton beat NM by fuck all = GOOD
NM beat Carlton by fuck all = BETTER
NM beat Carlton by shitloads = BEST
Western Bulldogs vs Freemantle
Bulldogs beat Freemantle by fuck all = GOOD
Freemantle beats Bulldogs by fuck all = BETTER
Freemantle beats Bulldogs by shitloads = BEST
Geelong vs Adelaide
Geelong beats Adelaide by fuck all = GOOD
Adelaide beats Geelong by fuck all = BETTER
Adelaide beats Geelong by shitloads = BEST
Collingwood vs Brisbane Lions (we want Collingwood to lose because they have the better percentage):
Collingwood beats Lions by fuck all = GOOD
Brisbane beats Lions by fuck all = BETTER
Brisbane Lions beat Collingwood by shitloads = BEST
Port Adelaide vs Hawthorn (both of these teams have an outside chance, but lets’ go for Hawthorn. Because fuck Port)
Port beats Hawthorn by fuck all = GOOD
Hawthorn beats Port by fuck all = BETTER
Hawthorn beats Port by shitloads = BEST
West Coast Eagles vs Essendon
Essendon beat WC by fuck all = GOOD
WC beat Essendon by fuck all = BETTER
WC beat Essendon by shit loads = BEST
By the way, I consider “fuck all” to mean “2 goals or less”, “shitloads” to mean “5 goals or more”. (I pretty much just made this whole system up on the spot, so there may be a few creases to iron out. If you have any ideas, fee free to email me at fuckahamster@witchtits.com).
There are two other games this weekend, Sydney vs St Kilda and Melbourne vs Richmond, but their outcome has no bearing on the Crows chances so I have left them off the list.
And lastly, if I am gunning for your team to lose by a shitload this weekend, then I apologise for hurting your feelings, but that’s the tough world of sports. If your team does lose by a shitload this weekend and you find yourself sad, I’ll buy you an Edward Cullen poster to cheer you up. Stick it on your bathroom wall and gaze at it while you masturbate with your shower attachment.
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