GROUP C

ENGLAND

England are my second team after Australia, and are in the top four favourites for the World Cup. I’ll follow these guys once Australia have been knocked out (which could happen quite early in the piece), though England have had their fair share of problems in the last few months. David Beckham was injured earlier this year, then John Terry goosed somebody he wasn’t suppose to – losing the captaincy in the process. Rio Ferdinand took over the role of captain, only to get injured himself a week ago. Now England are on their third captain in four months, Steven Gerrard.

Population: 51 million
Last few World Cup efforts: Quarter Final 2006, 2002, Second round 1998. Won the World Cup in 1966.
Odds to win the Cup: Was 6 to 1, but has since dropped to 9 to 1 due to recent events.

This guy was born in England:

William Shakespeare

A playwright whose plays would become part of school curriculum, and go on to bore the shit out of school kids for over four centuries. Shakespeare was a suspected bisexual, and his daughter Judith was illiterate. That’s right, Shakespeare’s daughter couldn’t read or write. If a pig converted to Judaism and then became a vegetarian, and then tried to eat itself – it wouldn’t even come close to the irony of that last sentence.

These guys play for England:

Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)
Frank Lampard (Chelsea)
John Terry (Chelsea)

This chick doesn’t play for England:


USA

Population: 304 million
Last few World Cup efforts: 1st Round 2006, Quarter Final 2002, 1st round 1998
Odds to win the Cup: 81 to 1
This guy was born in the USA:

Mel Gibson

These guys play for the USA

Jozy Altidore (Villareal)
Frank Lampard (Chelsea)
John Terry (Chelsea)

This kid doesn’t play for the USA:


ALGERIA

Population: 34 million
Last few World Cup efforts: 1st Round 1986, 1982
Odds to win the Cup: 601 to 1
This guy was born in Algeria:

Albert Camus

These guys play for Algeria:

Karim Ziani (Wolfsburg)
Majid Bougherra (Glasgow Rangers)
Antar Yahia (VfL Bochum)

Whichever kid drew this doesn’t play for Algeria:

Seriously. What the fuck.

SLOVENIA

Population: 34 million
Last few World Cup efforts: 1st Round 1986, 1982
Odds to win the Cup: 601 to 1

This chick was born in Slovenia (back when it was Yugoslavia anyway):

Melania Trump. Donald’s wife.

These guys play for Slovenia:

Mililvoje Novskovic (FC Koln)
Samir Handanovic (Udinese)
Robert Koren (West Brompton)

This guy doesn’t play for Slovenia:

That’s porn star Stephen Clancy Hill. He was apprehended by police last week for killing a co-worker and injuring two others with a samurai sword. He eluded capture by jumping off a cliff. And dying. Um, yeah. RIP.

The Adult Entertainment industry has an unusually high suicide rate, almost as high as Dentistry (!?), and you can watch Stephen shuffle off this mortal coil below.