Winter Olympics Update
Thought we’d take a break from my 2009 ramblings for a post on the Winter Olympics. In case you were wondering, I have six posts left for the 2009 recap. I should be finished these by Mid March, and if you want an update on this current year of 2010 so far: Haiti is fucked, and JD Salinger is dead.
The 2010 Winter Olympics have been running for about nine days, a fact which I almost forgot. I was reminded today when my workmates were chatting about the poor bastard who died on the luge track, and about our first and second Australian medals. Apparently Channel Nine have been showing a heap of coverage, but I hadn’t seen any of it. My TV is for DVD viewing and the odd bit of GTAIV when I feel like doing a burnout on a stripper’s head with a stolen motorbike. I’ve made the odd journey here and there into terrestrial television to see if it’s as bad as I remember it, and have been rewarded with something like Celebrity Dish Washing for my efforts. It’s that, or Two and a Half Men reruns. No shit, I have watched minimal TV in the last 12 months, and still have managed to see that episode where Charlie gets tricked into buying a car from Jenny McCarthy five times.
But I hate to see a major sporting event come and go without me throwing at least a few words on screen for the shoddy blog, so I switched on the TV when I got home from work. As soon as I saw Eddie McGuire, I switched it off again. I think I caught about 2.4 seconds, which isn’t enough source material for an article, so onto the net I went.
Jesus, the first few days of the Winter Olympics seemed like a never ending shit fight. First the death of the Georgian Slider in training. 100s of vigilantes caused a detour in the torch relay during a violent protest. Then the Opening Ceremony didn’t go to plan when their spectacular torch lighting mechanism suffered from a glitch, and only three of the four pillars rose to the Olympic cauldron. Finally, due to a logistical error a dozen orphans were lowered into a pit full of hungry Polar Bears.
I spent a full week rinsing my eyes with Saline solution after catching only ten minutes of the Beijing Opening ceremony, so decided to give the Vancouver one a miss. Apparently they had such Canadian luminaries as Wayne Gretzky and Steve Nash lighting the torch. Wait, Steve Nash? The Basketballer? Fair enough Gretzky, a champion Ice Hockey player who managed the Gold Medal Winning team in 2002. What the fuck has Basketball got to do with the Winter Olympics? Are they that starved for Winter sport champions they can’t pull a few out of bed to light a friggin’ flame?
Speaking of random Canadians, I was on the Winter Olympics page when I saw an advert promoting Vancouver, using Kim Cattrall as the Spokesperson. I didn't get a screen capture at the time, but I thought it was a peculiar campaign. Come to Vancouver, we have chips with mayonnaise...and 60 year old whores.
The web site also gave me my first glimpse of the Olympic slogan for these games:
I chucked that phrase into google image source, it gave me this:
The website is truly a page of wonders, I sat there staring at the Vancouver mascots for a good ten minutes, trying to work out just what the fuck they were supposed to be:
Sumi is "an animal spirit who wears the hat of the orca whale, flies with the wings of the mighty thunderbird and runs on the furry legs of the black bear."
Quatchi is a hockey-happy sasquatch.
And Miga is a sea bear. Which is an Orca that turns into a bear when on land.
It seems that we have to come up with some kooky combinations to create original mascots these days. Here is my design for the 2036 Adelaide Winter Olympics Mascot:
Mr Chotley: A Squark (half Squirrel half Shark) who wears a bow tie made out of frozen peas.
Still, the biggest event at these Games has been the death of 21-year-old slider Nodar Kumaritashvili, it seemed everybody and their dog were completely shocked at his death. Who knew flying down a metre wide icy slope at 100kmh on a board smaller than a coffee table could be dangerous? The event not only put a shadow over proceedings, but also gave some competitors pause for reflection on their own lives. Eight hours of training a day for four years for an event lasting less than a minute, Jesus – is it really worth it?
My favourite sports quote so far this year has come from this Winter Olympics, and it’s going to be a hard one to top. Usually interviewing Sports personalities is a cliché ridden affair baring tedious fruit, but check out Argentinean Slider Ruben Gonzalez, who just realised at his fourth Olympic games appearance that he is well and truly fucking over it.
Gold was for the women’s Snowboarding half pipe, Silver for the men’s Moguls (which as far as I can tell is “lumpy skiing”). Australia has been competing in the Winter Olympics since 1936, but didn’t win a medal until 1994 (bronze for the short track relay). Our best result between 1936 and 1994 was a 6th place in a 10km speed skating race. Unsurprising we are crap at winter sports, considering our country is essentially a giant frying pan full of sand.
More on the Winter Olympics in a week or so.
Your oxymoron for today is ”Saccharine Diarrhoea”.
The 2010 Winter Olympics have been running for about nine days, a fact which I almost forgot. I was reminded today when my workmates were chatting about the poor bastard who died on the luge track, and about our first and second Australian medals. Apparently Channel Nine have been showing a heap of coverage, but I hadn’t seen any of it. My TV is for DVD viewing and the odd bit of GTAIV when I feel like doing a burnout on a stripper’s head with a stolen motorbike. I’ve made the odd journey here and there into terrestrial television to see if it’s as bad as I remember it, and have been rewarded with something like Celebrity Dish Washing for my efforts. It’s that, or Two and a Half Men reruns. No shit, I have watched minimal TV in the last 12 months, and still have managed to see that episode where Charlie gets tricked into buying a car from Jenny McCarthy five times.
But I hate to see a major sporting event come and go without me throwing at least a few words on screen for the shoddy blog, so I switched on the TV when I got home from work. As soon as I saw Eddie McGuire, I switched it off again. I think I caught about 2.4 seconds, which isn’t enough source material for an article, so onto the net I went.
Jesus, the first few days of the Winter Olympics seemed like a never ending shit fight. First the death of the Georgian Slider in training. 100s of vigilantes caused a detour in the torch relay during a violent protest. Then the Opening Ceremony didn’t go to plan when their spectacular torch lighting mechanism suffered from a glitch, and only three of the four pillars rose to the Olympic cauldron. Finally, due to a logistical error a dozen orphans were lowered into a pit full of hungry Polar Bears.
I spent a full week rinsing my eyes with Saline solution after catching only ten minutes of the Beijing Opening ceremony, so decided to give the Vancouver one a miss. Apparently they had such Canadian luminaries as Wayne Gretzky and Steve Nash lighting the torch. Wait, Steve Nash? The Basketballer? Fair enough Gretzky, a champion Ice Hockey player who managed the Gold Medal Winning team in 2002. What the fuck has Basketball got to do with the Winter Olympics? Are they that starved for Winter sport champions they can’t pull a few out of bed to light a friggin’ flame?
Speaking of random Canadians, I was on the Winter Olympics page when I saw an advert promoting Vancouver, using Kim Cattrall as the Spokesperson. I didn't get a screen capture at the time, but I thought it was a peculiar campaign. Come to Vancouver, we have chips with mayonnaise...and 60 year old whores.
The web site also gave me my first glimpse of the Olympic slogan for these games:
I chucked that phrase into google image source, it gave me this:
The website is truly a page of wonders, I sat there staring at the Vancouver mascots for a good ten minutes, trying to work out just what the fuck they were supposed to be:
Sumi is "an animal spirit who wears the hat of the orca whale, flies with the wings of the mighty thunderbird and runs on the furry legs of the black bear."
Quatchi is a hockey-happy sasquatch.
And Miga is a sea bear. Which is an Orca that turns into a bear when on land.
It seems that we have to come up with some kooky combinations to create original mascots these days. Here is my design for the 2036 Adelaide Winter Olympics Mascot:
Mr Chotley: A Squark (half Squirrel half Shark) who wears a bow tie made out of frozen peas.Still, the biggest event at these Games has been the death of 21-year-old slider Nodar Kumaritashvili, it seemed everybody and their dog were completely shocked at his death. Who knew flying down a metre wide icy slope at 100kmh on a board smaller than a coffee table could be dangerous? The event not only put a shadow over proceedings, but also gave some competitors pause for reflection on their own lives. Eight hours of training a day for four years for an event lasting less than a minute, Jesus – is it really worth it?
My favourite sports quote so far this year has come from this Winter Olympics, and it’s going to be a hard one to top. Usually interviewing Sports personalities is a cliché ridden affair baring tedious fruit, but check out Argentinean Slider Ruben Gonzalez, who just realised at his fourth Olympic games appearance that he is well and truly fucking over it.
”I realised at the Opening Ceremony last night that this wasn’t for me anymore. I didn’t know how to celebrate, so at one point, when I would normally be hanging off every moment, I went outside and got a hotdog. This is my last Olympics. A few weeks ago I wouldn’t have said that. I wanted to keep going. Yesterday it gave me perspective. There are other things to do in life.”God bless Gonzalez for providing a brutally honest bit of speech amongst the sea of teary eyed saccharine diarrhoea these kind of tournaments usually bring. For some reason it reminded me of a quote from Hunter S Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
“..with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark — that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back.”Anyway, here is Australia’s Medal Count
Gold: 1, Silver: 1, Bronze: 0
Gold was for the women’s Snowboarding half pipe, Silver for the men’s Moguls (which as far as I can tell is “lumpy skiing”). Australia has been competing in the Winter Olympics since 1936, but didn’t win a medal until 1994 (bronze for the short track relay). Our best result between 1936 and 1994 was a 6th place in a 10km speed skating race. Unsurprising we are crap at winter sports, considering our country is essentially a giant frying pan full of sand.
More on the Winter Olympics in a week or so.
Your oxymoron for today is ”Saccharine Diarrhoea”.
posted by Beef at Saturday, February 20, 2010
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