whoops

(5th March) UPDATE: Post coming, I promise. Half of London has been in Adelaide for the last fortnight for a wedding (which commences this weekend), so it's been chaotic at my end. A maelstrom of wine tours and late night Skittles-flavoured Vodka has rained down upon my poor head, but it ends soon - so post will be up by mid week at the latest. I swear to god. If not, you have permission to chinese burn my meat tampon.

Wrote an article on the Oscars earlier this week, but the computer crashed and I lost it.

Re-writing is in progress, I'll post it later next week.

Burnt

I had a few rants lined up to post, but I’ll leave those in the draft file for a while. It wouldn’t seem right for me to get upset about those “Shit-whores at Blockbuster video” when bush fires are devastating our neighbouring Eastern state.

You know how it is with blogging – you’ll complain about an ingrown toe-nail, and how it made your round of golf a living hell; only to switch on the news and hear that a guy had to cut off his own arm with a pocket knife to escape an avalanche.

To avoid that situation (and the resulting self loathing) I decided to post an article on the Victorian Bush Fires (Christ, the worst ones EVER). Researching the tragedy revealed a tonne of accounts; for one thing I never knew a fire could move so damn fast. In the end I decided to link to this You Tube clip of a Fireman helping a dehydrated and burnt Koala, which has been hailed as a symbol of hope amongst the devastation:



I found the dialogue of the Ocker Fireman (a volunteer fire-fighter named Dave Tree, winner of this month’s “most ironic name” award) particularly amusing, as he frequently turned to the camera to give his two bits:

”When we are fighting the fires, how much can a Koala bare?”

“You watch he’ll get hydrated then he’ll rip the absolute fucking shit out of me!”

That second quote seems to have confused many of the international commenters on the youtube site (koala rip you? lol wtf? It’s a care bear!), who don’t realise how aggressive Koalas in the wild can be when provoked. Predominately shy creatures, they have sharp claws useful for warding off attackers. Most of the youtube comments seem to be lessons for the uninitiated:

Rokgrl1603 (10 hours ago)
YAY KOALA! that thing would be so spoiled if i had him. :D
i'd have a whole room for 'em.

EVLWNS (10 hours ago)
They'd rip you apart. Koalas, despite appearances, are not cuddly.

In a related anecdote: Dowling and I found a Koala late one night that had been hit by a car and badly injured. We rang the Wild life services and waited for about half an hour for the ranger to arrive. The Koala spent this whole time sitting in a bush glaring at us, making these deep guttural growling sounds that would make the Incredible Hulk shit his pants in raw fear.

Anyway, the Koala in the youtube clip has been named “Sam”, and has since found love with another Koala survivor named “Bob” at a wild life centre near Melbourne.


I assume Sam is female, because Koalas aren’t gay. Not like Wombats.


That’s the general problem with a lot of Australian animals; they are big cuddly balls of fluff that look like prizes at a local fair. They couldn’t out run a glacier let alone a bush fire, and the local fauna death toll is usually extremely high in these circumstances.

Man, life can be tough down under.

A quick perusal of Yahoo News’ headlines reveals one glaring fact: Mother Nature is an angry bitch with a strap on in these parts.

Fires down south. Floods up North. A Queensland retirement home was evacuated because of a poisonous spider infestation. A navy diver was seriously injured in a shark attack while performing an underwater counter-terrorism manoeuvre in Sydney Harbour. He fought the shark off by repeatedly punching it in the head, which is (amusingly) still the universal guideline for fending off a shark attack. Punch the fucker in the head.

But hang on – under water counter-terrorism? Did I miss a memo? Do the Al Queda have fucking submarines now?

Come to think of it, we’re due for a terrorist attack. Maybe once the fires have died down they can come over and blow something up. Goddammit.


UPDATE: From Yahoo News: “A man has been charged over the Churchill bushfire which killed 21 people in Gippsland. He has been charged with arson causing death, intentionally or recklessly causing a bushfire, and possessing child pornography.”

An arsonist who also dabbles in child pornography. He won’t be getting my vote for Australian of the year that’s for sure.

Train lines are warping, black outs are happening, and old people are dropping like flies. Its summer kids!

I spent the last few years day-dreaming about a hot Adelaide Summer. But it looks like one of those Twilight Zone twists has occurred, in a “Careful what you fucking wish for, because it just might come true” context.

Adelaide’s temperature for the last few days:



Christ. I was enjoying the Adelaide weather for quite a while there (I didn’t see a cloud for my first 10 days back in the city), but I feel ill prepared for this heat wave. I guess I haven’t acclimatized yet. My delicate Londoner flesh still considers 28 degrees to be a hot day. 40 plus just makes me nervous.

I’ve been spending my days hiding in my house surrounded by Playstation games and DVDs. If I need to leave the house, then I hug the shadows like I'm Batman.

I read the Advertiser to find strange and fantastic things happening in my city. Train lines have been warping because of the heat. Black outs have been hitting city blocks. And on the front page of the paper, one woman came home to find a Koala sitting in the tray of water she had left out for the birds. I've scanned the picture for your convenience, and yes, ”Koala sits in birdbath” is what we consider head line news in this city.

”WTF? That water is for the birds you greedy Koala! Here’s a nice warm cup of GTFO”

The population has been taking extreme measures to keep themselves cool. Coffee sales are down, people have been drenching each other with bottled water, and my neighbour told me he paid an underage prostitute to urinate on his face and neck. Though come to think of it, he told me this last month. When it wasn’t even that hot.

Its not only unbearble temperatures that heat waves bring out, but also unbearable trivia too.

“This is the hottest August day in 70 years” or “This is the hottest spring week in eight decades”, is the kind of bollocks the News programs shove in our sweaty faces every time we have an increase in mercury.

Does anybody actually give a fuck? Is there some old guy sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch thoughtfully stroking his beard thinking “Yeah, I remember that week back in 1929. That fucker was a scorcher”.

Am I the only person who notices how OLD these fucking weather records are? Do we really trust the accuracy of these accounts? It’s not like they had complicated computers set up to record the temperatures.

Case in point: I’m being told this heat wave is Adelaide’s hottest in a century.

100 years people.

Like I’m going to trust the meteorological bureau of 1909 to provide me with precise data.

"Okay boys, let’s chuck this witch in the river. If she floats, the temperature is 40 degrees. If she sinks, its 25 degrees – with a cold front coming in from the West”

Actually, I know one group of people who cares about all of this shit - Hippies.

Because every time we get reports of a heat wave the local hippies put down their Bong and bowl of Froot Loops and get all up in my face crying ”Global Warming!”, and tell me I need to recycle my cans and ride a bike to work, OR THE EARTH IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE.

I have to admit, I’m confused. If Global Warming is a problem, and the world is getting hotter – then why is London experiencing a foot of snow, and their coldest winter in 13 years?

I asked Bear Girl for advice. She had this to say:


Huh.


At the end of the day, heat waves aren’t forever and the temperature will drop (for at least a week anyway), we'll just have to ride this one out.

A few decades from now the Earth might just dry out, and the planet will no doubt turn into one big desert arena of Road Warriors fighting for the last scraps of food and petrol.

I just hope I live long enough to see that scenario, because it does sound pretty awesome.