All the News that's Fit to Print

Well Christ, long overdue for a damn update. I’ve been working on this particular post regarding a few news stories I’ve collected.

This one has been dragging on, mainly because for the last month or so I’ve been barely able to write a sentence a day. Fuck, what I wouldn’t do for a bit of god damn spare time. I suppose I could write updates on the weekends, if it weren’t for the fact that Friday night to Monday morning is a constant irredeemable blur.

And it doesn’t help when work is sucking all of my motivation and inspiration like an Echidna sucking lice off of Lindsay Lohan’s crotch (and I defy you to get that image out of your head).

So to ensure this damn post gets up here, I’m going to split this into a two-parter (Some of these clips are quite old by the way – so there’s a good chance you may have seen them before. And if that’s the case, then tough shit. You can read them again).

The first one was sent to me by Magic (the man, not the noun) click to enlarge:

The irony here is that I received this story on Monday morning. And Monday mornings at work generally feel like I’m getting sodomised by a Jungle Cat. I didn’t actually think that a Tiger could rape a human being, but as always, I stand corrected. I particularly like the response from the animal rights activist – "If people are going to abuse animals, they should expect to be bummed" which is poetic justice at it’s most primal - I don’t know why PETA don’t use this quote in their campaigns.

I did a Google search on "Tiger Rape" (hey, we all need a hobby) to find more information on this story, and came across a completely new case:

Here’s me thinking the Gymnast’s ordeal was a one in million random occurrence, when in fact it’s a god damn epidemic. Is this why they eat Tiger penis in China? To stop the beasts from raping everybody? And what about the police comment: "it appears he may have given the tiger herpes" Huh? Is that biologically possible?

I find Mother Nature confusing. Why do tigers want to rape us humans? As a human, I certainly don’t find Tigers sexually attractive. I’d fellate a giraffe, but that’s only because it’s genitals are at my head height, and well kids, that’s just damn convenient.

Um.

Moving on.

A quick article sent to me by a mysterious man named Steeno:

Certainly one of the more peculiar police reports I’ve read. I’m guessing either David Lynch took the deposition, or the man in question was a little bit bat shit crazy.

In all seriousness though, was the best discretion used in this report? The guy was burping the worm when the burglar broke in…but couldn’t he have left that detail out when talking to the police? I find adding the topic of masturbation to the conversational soup can be a dangerous mix. I was at a party on Saturday and was quizzing women on their flicking the bean technique, with an interesting result (they asked me to leave).

And then the burglar fed poisonous mushrooms to the guys dog. I wonder if this was the same burglar who got raped by the tiger?

Who knows, one thing’s for sure: I love stupid news stories. When people send them to me, I feel happy. Like retard happy.

It makes up for all the tedious media bull shit I have to crawl through each and every day. US Election Race enters it’s 400 month, Middle east rocked by the 38th suicide bomb attack this week, blah blah blah FUCK OFF.

Gimme Rapist Tigers any day of the week.