Coming to you live from Mexico

So I was sitting at work this afternoon in a near catatonic state, when I noticed a roll of yellow tape on the right side of my desk. Then I noticed there was a set of unused garbage bags to my left. I picked up both items at the same time and I thought to myself Is there some way I can combine these two items to create a Mexican Wrestling Mask?

The answer to that Question was yes. Yes I can.

Boredom, the mother of all invention.

House Update 2

I may have to delete MSN messenger from my computer, because I'll be damned if I don't get anything but bad news from it. Earlier today:

Toby says:
Got a bit of a problem.......just trying to speak to the people at the leasing agents.....the Landlord wants a move out date of Nov 5th. The leasing agents say WE are in breach of contract and so we have to be gone by that date.

Seems our landlandy (of the past 28 months for God's sake) has found a little loop hole in order to kick us out on the street earlier then first mentioned. She wants to get the repairs started as soon as possible, and so has cut our find-a-new-place-to-live time from one month down to two weeks. The breach of contract? We've had five people living there for the last two months, when the contract says four. Toby has a plan of attack up his sleeve (maybe), stay tuned for more "London Housing Antics".

Meanwhile, I checked my Microsoft Outlook hoping for better news than what Messenger was giving me, and this News clipping came in care of Sean:

Gosh how sad. There's been nothing but bad news today, so I'm just going to turn this fucking computer off and hope that tomorrow fares better.

House update

Time for an update on our house. I thought it would make for interesting reading, seeing that the place is in some kind of advanced state of degeneration. The Russians have been furiously fixing ceilings, floors and fighting the cracks and leaks. But for every leak they fix, another three pop up in it's place to the point where the leaks have made their way down to the Office Space below - prompting a visit from the owner of the building. Toby was on MSN messenger to me on Friday afternoon:

Toby says:
The freeholder just inspected the place and went crazy. Thinks it is completely uninhabitable. The whole place is going to need to be ripped apart.
Toby says:
He advised moving out as soon as possible.
Toby says:He is thinking of getting wandsworth council around and condemning the place making it impossible to rent out.

So I'm living in a house that is due to be condemned - which is a great conversation opener at a party, but makes for a kinda fucked living situation. The landlord will be bringing in builders of her own to completely overhaul the house, and has given us until November the 21st to move out. Finding a new place is going to be painful (doing anything in London is painful), but at least we get to escape this Hell Hole before it eventually implodes into itself like a collapsed star, dragging most of London in with it.

The only reason we've been hanging around here is because of the great rent situation (as in we stopped paying it two months ago). We should be living in a new place by the time the workers start ripping this place apart. God help them when they uncover the Indian Burial Ground the house has been built on.

Koko

I'm not a huge fan of Raves. I find the music to sound like a couple of wood-peckers making love in a garbage can, and there's usually a huge shortage of women - which is my main incentive for going out in the first place (my second incentive is getting drunk, escaping my house before it caves in on my fucking head is a close third). Regardless, One of the Wandsworth Demons - Tim Terry - was DJ-ing at Koko (formerly the Camden Palace) on Saturday night so I thought I'd head along and check it out.

I was pleasantly surprised with Koko, the music didn't sound like seven straight hours of road works and there were plenty of pretty girls for me to annoy. Here's a couple of photos care of Glasso (whose Digital Camera has caught many a night of drunken debauchery over the last year). I'll post more photos when I have them (or not, I seem to promise a lot with this blog and never deliver. I'm such a fucking tease). The half naked sweaty guys are the Wandswoth Footballers. The girls are a couple of 18 year old British lasses, whom I didn't get to meet because I was in the balcony pouring a bottle of water on random people's heads and laughing like a lunatic. If I could turn back time, I would have opted for meeting the girls as opposed to my hydro-terrorism. Oh well.



Sean was keen to point out that "Koko" should not be confused with "Keiko":

Who seems like an enchanting young lady. Click here for her home page, then buy yourself a ticket to Tokyo. She loves white guys - Yay! (^_^)

Rot your brains at work!

My current favourite web-site (Besides re-reading my old posts, Gosh I'm a fantastic writer) is this one:

A web-site dedicated to locating entire series of TV shows on You-Tube and Daily Motion. At writing there are 50 shows which are updated daily. It's a godsend for somebody like me stuck in the UK - they're about six months behind over here. I guess they find it hard to slot new series of American shows in with their full schedule of British Reality television, such as "Two old hags clean up somebody's shitty house" and "Let's swap annoying fat bitch wives for a week". Bah.

The best part about the site is you can slot the You-Tube viewer into the corner of your screen while you're at work, and watch your favourite shows in between your daily soul-destroying white collar duties. The guys at my office have been working their way through South Park, I've been catching up on Prison Break myself. The Manager just thinks we're listening to music and studying our onscreen figures. (That was until somebody let out a "Watch out Schofield! It's an FBI trap!!" in a high pitched squeal. We're still not entirely sure who that was.)

Of course, if you work at one of those Fuck-Hole-Fascist Office-Farms that restricts your web browsing through filters, you won't be able to enjoy the Television Treasures at work.

If that is the case, fuck em. Quit today.

Fight the Power!

tv links

Adventures with Modern Toiletries

I’m pretty sure one of the Russians stole my toothbrush.


You see I was in the Kitchen the other day Hungover and drinking out of a bowl of water (the cave in took out most of our cups and glasses) when one of the Russian Builders came in to ask me a question. He wanted to know if he could use the Kitchen Space to hold Cock Fights while we were at work. True his English wasn't very good and I wasn't really paying attention, but I'm pretty sure that's what he was asking. I told him that wasn't a good idea, what with all the blood and feathers and all that. He gave me a confused look and backed out of the Kitchen. Now my toothbrush is nowhere to be found.

I bet that fucker stole it out of spite.

Not to worry, as I am now the proud owner of a brand new Toothbrush from Sainsbury's (my local Supermarket), and the fucking thing is state of the art. It’s got a flexi-grip with soft pads for your fingers and thumb, a section on the back of the top for cleaning your cheeks and tongue, and the spiral design of the bristles is nothing short of dynamic. If anything, it’s terrifyingly futuristic. I’m not good with modern appliances and I’ve already cut my gums twice and almost lost an ear to this little bastard. But I know with some solid perseverance I'll soon master it.

The Toothbrush wasn't the only modern Hygiene appliance I came across on my travels travels through Sainsbury's. I was strolling along the Toiletry aisle quite happily knowing that no matter what, I had my shaving situation worked out. My Gillette Mach 3 Turbo sat proudly above my bathroom sink, a cupboard full of refills just behind that. Three blades that little beauty had. THREE. That's one more than a disposable. As far as modern shaving goes - I was with it. I was hip, I was funky, I was the bomb.

And boy was my face red when I caught sight of Gillette's new Five bladed razor. Again: Five Blades. I grabbed the monstrosity off the rack, screaming to nobody in particular:

"FIVE BLADES? WHAT THE FUCK WE DO WE NEED FIVE BLADES FOR?"

The Gillette Fusion Razor, one upping the Schick Quatro (I must have slept through the advertising campaign for that one) by one whole blade. I turned to "Alvin" - the young Sainsbury's worker who was price-tagging the shampoos next to me:

"It's up to five now?! Mankind shaved for a millennium using a single blade! Why does our fucking generation feel the need to add another fucking blade to the caliber every six fucking months?!"

Alvin looked like he was about to start crying so I stopped with the Rhetorical Questions, bought two Gillette Fusions (you know, in case the Russians steal one) and left the store.

I chuckled to myself on the way home - My Dad's generation settled for two blades, my generation needs five, How many blades will our son's razors need?

I could probably ring my son now and find out what he thinks, but that’s probably not a good idea. His Mom hates my guts - And I don’t speak Vietnamese anyway.

This post is completely pointless. I’ll stop typing now.

COCK FIGHT!!

UPDATE 17/10: Bart has found the future of shaving.

Tate Modern: The Art of Shoddy

In celebration of the Shoddy Blog welcoming it's 2,000th visitor, the Tate Modern will be presenting an art exhibition from today until Friday next week. Here are a few highlights from the show (click to enlarge).

Perspective

London is an expensive town, especially if you're a hard drinking social Butterfly like myself. This morning I realised that the amount of money I spent on alcohol over the weekend could have sponsored a Third World child for an entire year.

Sorry Jasmin, there will be no new school books or clothing this year. Uncle Beef blew the money on Vodka and Red Bull.

If it makes you feel better though, I'm hungover as shit today.

Home

I stepped out of my bedroom first thing this morning to be confronted by three burly Russian men. I knew they were Russian, because the smelt like Vodka and Bears. It was quite a tense stand off, myself at the top of the stairs eye-balling the scary looking men standing halfway up the stair-case. The only thing separating them and my naked body was the Thundercats Beach Towel I had wrapped around my waist. My first thought was that Blockbuster had sent some thugs over to retrieve the Playstation game Lego Star Wars, as it was now four days overdue. I was about to leap out of my bedroom window and make a run for it, when Toby stepped out from behind the KGB trio to throw a much needed light on the situation:

"The builders are here to fix the kitchen roof."

11 weeks after the ceiling first caved in, and it was finally getting repaired. Just as well - as we now have a young couple living in the fourth bedroom. I am quite amused by the thought of filthy leaks dripping on Jimmy's and Toby's heads throughout the week, but I wanted a decent living environment for our new house-mates.

I still remember the embarrassment I felt (and I'm not a man who embarrasses easily) as I showed them around the house when they first moved in. Not the intense shame a fifteen year old boy would experience when his parents arrive home early and catch him masturbating to an episode of the Golden Girls. But shame none the less. They were keen on the location, and were willing to overlook the damage problems providing they were going to be fixed at some point.

The couple are from country Victoria and very laid back. Still, we now have a lady living at our Battersea house (once again) and there are a few bad domestic habits Jimmy, Toby and I are going to have to drop from our daily living.

We'll have to remember to wipe our hands on a towel instead of the carpet. We'll have to use the washing machine, rather than standing outside in the rain wearing everything we own whenever laundry day comes round. And definitely no more walking around the house spinning plates on the tips of our morning erections. (Just because we can do it, doesn't mean we should do it.)

Nah, it's classy living for us from now on.