OI OI Fuck

The Olympics are here again, rejoice.

To make it interesting I chucked a few bets on the outcome for Australia (coz god knows my Olympic Gambling always works). I had 80 bucks in my Sportsbet account so went:

40 on Australia to win 12 or more gold medals at 1.68 to 1

And

40 on Australia to win 40 plus total medals at 1.88 to 1

This was before the Olympics started of course, and now we are on day five and I think I might be struggling here.

Australia were favourites for the Men’s 100m freestyle relay and finished fourth. Emily Seebohm was favourite for the 100m Backstroke and finished second*. I turned to the Equestrian events last night for salvation, as this was something Australia always does well in. Sure enough, we started the day in second place and the Aussie rider Sam Griffiths was looking good. Then we change camera and cut to another country’s rider and after a few minutes I can see the Australian Horse galloping past in the background sans-jockey (who had just fallen off).The Horse's name was 'Happy Times', and well you just can't trust a filly with a name like that. He probably ran off to frolic with the forest creatures.

Fuck me. Australia ended up sixth, and a grand total of fifteen riders across the board fell off their horses, which doesn’t surprise me when you consider the mad shit they had to jump over.

 Princess Zara leaps over the planet Saturn.

Try saying that out loud without sounding clown shit insane.

Next up we have James Magnussen racing in the 100m Freestyle tomorrow morning (at half past fuck you AEST), and hopefully he is well rested. Apparently he didn’t sleep for two days before the relay. He was too nervous to slumber, a fact that belies his TV interviews where he always seems cocky as all fuck.

Current medal standings for Australia are 1 Gold, 2 Silver and 1 Bronze. So yeah, I’ve got miles to go to win some moolah. Anyway, here’s a few more pictures from the games.

*Emily Seebohm finished second, but she is still my favourite to win best name of the Olympics. Seebohm – pronounced “C Bomb” def as per Urban Dictionary: A term used to say that someone has used the word Cunt, without saying the word yourself.

For example, Spongebob drops a C-Bomb in the following exchange:

Flakey

Okay, enough time wasting. Besides, there's only so much Octomom porn a guy can watch – it’s time for an update.

How is everybody? It’s been four months since I logged on last. I heard a whole bunch of people died since late February, fuck I hope it wasn’t you guys. That would make me sad, and I don’t want to cry because I am eating a bowl of French onion soup while I type this. One of my greatest fears is crying while eating soup, because your tears keep filling up the bowl no matter how fast you eat, and you end up in this never ending cycle of sobbing and eating. I heard a guy once exploded because of this.

I’m actually feeling pretty good at the moment, having recently gotten over a bad cold I had for a few weeks. I felt pretty run down during that period, but I must admit I have felt far worse. I was bed ridden with a throat virus this time last year that was pure agony, for three straight days it felt like razors every time I swallowed and it drove me to the brink of insanity. Just as I was getting over that, a flu kicked in that left me in bed for a further week, and pretty throttled for over a month. But that was last year, this year has been pretty healthy.

Only other complaint was a migraine I had about a month ago. My parents were staying over, and I hit the pub with my old man, followed by a couple of bottles of red over dinner. A combination of tiredness (I had a 6am start that day) and dehydration helped infest my brain with a migraine later that night. I knew it wasn’t simply a bad headache, because the bathroom lights (I was on the way to the toilet to throw up) felt like stab wounds to my eyes. My mother found me crawling down the hallway muttering in some kind of Flemish dialect, and put me to bed. I lay there in a state of extreme nausea, while my skull felt like there were chainsaws fucking inside it. I started speaking in Dub Step. Rough stuff – but I’m lucky to only get migraines once every few years, my mother, whom I inherited the trait off of, gets them three or four times a year. Anyway, enough about sickness.

In more recent news, I wandered into my lounge room today to find some kind of caveman death threat scrawled on my couch in a brownish painting material. Either that, or a whole bunch of stray dogs with worms had some kind of ass scratching race across the cushions. Took me a while to realise the origins of the mess. I was lying on the couch watching Dexter last night and eating a Cadbury Flake bar. Not sure if that is a global form of confectionery, so think of a chocolate bar that crumbles like a motherfucker and you are not far off. I vaguely remember thinking “I should clean all this chocolate up” as I drifted off to sleep. I woke an hour later, switched the TV off, and went to bed. Today's evidence suggests I rolled around in the chocolate, letting my body heat melt it into the cushions as I slumbered.

Last night.

Today.

Stupid? Maybe.