And now I will attempt to dissect the works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky. Just kidding. MORE FOOTBALL NEWS!!!
I’m no doubt boring the pubes off you non-AFL fans with these footy posts, but there is only a couple of rounds to go, and then I will STFU for a good few months regarding the sport.
Anyway, Round 20 approached us and so I turned to my email account to chat with the boys on a possible venue. Choosing a pub is a lot harder than you would think, and we have been let down many times by various locations around Adelaide. The Cooper’s Alehouse, for instance, is a pub specializing in our South Australian beer – yet they seem to treat Ausse Rules (South Australia’s favourite sport) with a snobbish disdain. ”We aren’t a football pub” a barmaid once told us, after we requested having one of their five televisions switched over to a Crows game. Meanwhile, their plasma screens showed a combination of Rugby and Golf.
Who the fuck goes to a pub to watch golf?
Besides John Daly I mean, and can we really include that walking heart attack in the consensus? The bastard is so fat that when hookers get on top of him their ears pop. True story.
I’ve singled out the Alehouse, but there have been many other establishments to turn us away like a pregnant Mary on Christmas Eve. I’m not saying a swanky cocktail bar should switch it’s Music Videos over to Channel Seven so I can ”check the score”. But that sleepy worker’s pub round the corner with the three televisions and fuck all patronage, would it kill them to chuck a bit of footy on for a group of paying customers?
So after getting stung a few times, we were certainly open to suggestions. I was inspired by Stranger’s proposal – he had seen an advertisement for the Elephant, boldly declaring their promise to show every single AFL game. The Elephant was a British pub off Rundle Street, and though Guinness and Aussie Rules was not an obvious combination, it was certainly one that tickled my fancy.
Friday evening was soon upon us, and Stranger, Richo and your humble narrator found themselves with a pretty decent table, sitting in the crowded front bar of the British pub waiting for the game to start.
We thought everything was looking roses as we sipped our Guinness, until we noticed the time and a mild panic started to set in. It was five minutes until first bounce (the AFL’s equivalent of “kick off”), and the TV was showing a Korean Boxing match.
I approached a young barmaid at the bar to assess the situation.
Luckily (or so I thought) the manager came over to inquire about my problem.
Of course, the problem was that we were on Rundle Street, and there is probably no worse place to be when you have a yearning for televised sport. There were plenty of pubs, just not the ones we needed. The Austral’s bohemian clientele were too busy sipping red wine and discussing Master Chef to concern themselves with football. The great unwashed inside the Exeter were busy comparing tribal tattoos and body odour, and were no doubt unfussed with the Crow’s chances against Hawthorn. The Crown and Anchor could provide us with barmaids with shaved heads and vampire fangs, but could not provide televised sport. It seemed hopeless.
At this point Richo revealed a desperate contingency plan – he had once watched football at the Oyster Bar, a tiny and kind of pricey venue, but one that was close to our current position. We legged it to the bar to find three seats in front of the corner TV, which the bartender was more than happy to put the football on for us.
We had made it just in time to see the Crows get their arses kicked in the first quarter, which thankfully tuned out to be the traditional “Crows sole shitty Quarter” for the game, and they ended up beating Hawthorn by 27 points. Turns out that The Oyster Bar is a decent place to watch the football, and I would happily return.
Although one flaw in my plan was the lack of food (aka “blotting paper”) to absorb the barrage of alcohol. I had planned for a solid steak and chips meal at The Elephant, and swapped that for half a dozen oysters instead. Lack of food on a drinking night is my kryptonite, and it didn’t help when my sister arrived at the bar and dragged me to the Irish pub next door after the game, where we drank until closing.
I awoke the next day in a million little pieces.
The Shogra System grade for Round 20:
HAW 67
ADEL 94
22.5/25
RICH 59
COLL 152
0/15
BL 84
WB 102
0/15
SYD 87
GEEL 92
8/10
PORT 67
CARL 121
0/10
ST K 108
ESS 110
7/10
Final Grade is 37.5/85, which is 44.1%. That is the best percentage we have had so far, but still not much of a life changing grade. The score is neither fantastic (we have not made the top 4), nor terrible (we have not jeopardized our final eight chances either), but floating somewhere in between (oh, the ugly grey mediocrity of life. Must you permeate the world of sports also?).
The Crows are now at least three wins clear of the teams vying for a position in the top eight, so with only two games left in the minor rounds, it means the Crows have made the finals.
The see-saw antics continue, as the next games will decide whether the Crows will make the top four (still a slim chance) or failing that, lose the home ground final (by finishing in 7th position).
These are five games that will affect the Crows standing on the ladder, any match involving a team already in the top four will rank out of 15. Any match outside the top four, but vying for a position will rank out of 10. The Crows game will rank out of 25. We want team A to win in each category:
B Western Bulldogs vs
A Geelong
Geelong winning would improve our chances of taking a top four spot over the Bulldogs, who are one win ahead of us. If Bulldogs win, and the Crows win their match, then there is still an extremely slight chance we can take that fourth spot. Match will score out of 15.
B Carlton vs
A Melbourne
Carlton are neck and neck with the Crows on the ladder, equal on wins but only ahead of us by 2.68%. They could jeopardize our chances for that top four spot. Match will score out of 15.
B Adelaide vs
A West Coast Eagles
Naturally, we need to win this and preferably by a large margin. Match will score out of 25.
B Brisbane Lions vs
A Port Adelaide
Another one of those freak weekends where you will find me hoping for a Port win. Brisbane could nudge the Crows out of sixth spot (and taking the home ground final away from us, those filthy fucking Queenslanders). If we lose and Brisbane wins, they will leap frog us on the ladder – because they have those two points from the Draw with Essendon up their sleeve. Bastards.
B Collingwood vs
A Sydney
If Collingwood lose the next two games (unlikely) and the Crows win the next two, then there is a chance for us to reach the top four. If Collingwood win this game, then the Crows will not be able to chase them next round. Any Collingwood win will give this match a 0/15 score.
For those of you who are still confused by the Shogra System, here is a diagram I created:
Hang on, that’s not it. I must have loaded the wrong JPEG file. Try this:
Damn it, that’s not it either. What’s wrong with the Blogger image uploader? I created this awesome diagram on how the grading system works, and now I can’t get it up onscreen. One more try:
Ah fuck it. Forget it.
Anyway, Round 20 approached us and so I turned to my email account to chat with the boys on a possible venue. Choosing a pub is a lot harder than you would think, and we have been let down many times by various locations around Adelaide. The Cooper’s Alehouse, for instance, is a pub specializing in our South Australian beer – yet they seem to treat Ausse Rules (South Australia’s favourite sport) with a snobbish disdain. ”We aren’t a football pub” a barmaid once told us, after we requested having one of their five televisions switched over to a Crows game. Meanwhile, their plasma screens showed a combination of Rugby and Golf.
Who the fuck goes to a pub to watch golf?
Besides John Daly I mean, and can we really include that walking heart attack in the consensus? The bastard is so fat that when hookers get on top of him their ears pop. True story.
sexy
I’ve singled out the Alehouse, but there have been many other establishments to turn us away like a pregnant Mary on Christmas Eve. I’m not saying a swanky cocktail bar should switch it’s Music Videos over to Channel Seven so I can ”check the score”. But that sleepy worker’s pub round the corner with the three televisions and fuck all patronage, would it kill them to chuck a bit of footy on for a group of paying customers?
So after getting stung a few times, we were certainly open to suggestions. I was inspired by Stranger’s proposal – he had seen an advertisement for the Elephant, boldly declaring their promise to show every single AFL game. The Elephant was a British pub off Rundle Street, and though Guinness and Aussie Rules was not an obvious combination, it was certainly one that tickled my fancy.
Friday evening was soon upon us, and Stranger, Richo and your humble narrator found themselves with a pretty decent table, sitting in the crowded front bar of the British pub waiting for the game to start.
We thought everything was looking roses as we sipped our Guinness, until we noticed the time and a mild panic started to set in. It was five minutes until first bounce (the AFL’s equivalent of “kick off”), and the TV was showing a Korean Boxing match.
I approached a young barmaid at the bar to assess the situation.
Me: Hi, your ad said that you show any AFL game.This was followed by an awkward silence as we both stood there staring at each other for about a minute. For some reason my simple request had locked me into a rhetorical battle of wits with one of Batman’s villains.
Barmaid: yes we can show any AFL game.
Me: Great, can you put on the Crows game.
Barmaid: yes, we can put on the Crows game.
Me: …uh…can you put it on now?
Barmaid: yes, we can put it on now.
Luckily (or so I thought) the manager came over to inquire about my problem.
Me: Can we get the Crows game on?Obviously we had missed some kind of small print on the pub’s advertisement. They must have been showing every game, except for the Adelaide ones. After watching the manager try to program channel seven onto the screen for about ten minutes, we decided to cut our losses and head out the pub door and into the heart of the city.
Manager: Sure, what channel is it on?
Me (thinking that maybe their boastful ad had been a crock of shit, seeing how they didn’t even know what channel it was on): Channel Seven.
Manager: Okay, just give me a minute to program the television, it’s only set to Foxtel channels.
Of course, the problem was that we were on Rundle Street, and there is probably no worse place to be when you have a yearning for televised sport. There were plenty of pubs, just not the ones we needed. The Austral’s bohemian clientele were too busy sipping red wine and discussing Master Chef to concern themselves with football. The great unwashed inside the Exeter were busy comparing tribal tattoos and body odour, and were no doubt unfussed with the Crow’s chances against Hawthorn. The Crown and Anchor could provide us with barmaids with shaved heads and vampire fangs, but could not provide televised sport. It seemed hopeless.
At this point Richo revealed a desperate contingency plan – he had once watched football at the Oyster Bar, a tiny and kind of pricey venue, but one that was close to our current position. We legged it to the bar to find three seats in front of the corner TV, which the bartender was more than happy to put the football on for us.
We had made it just in time to see the Crows get their arses kicked in the first quarter, which thankfully tuned out to be the traditional “Crows sole shitty Quarter” for the game, and they ended up beating Hawthorn by 27 points. Turns out that The Oyster Bar is a decent place to watch the football, and I would happily return.
Google image search reveals this picture for “Oyster Bar”. Funny, I don’t remember it like that.
Although one flaw in my plan was the lack of food (aka “blotting paper”) to absorb the barrage of alcohol. I had planned for a solid steak and chips meal at The Elephant, and swapped that for half a dozen oysters instead. Lack of food on a drinking night is my kryptonite, and it didn’t help when my sister arrived at the bar and dragged me to the Irish pub next door after the game, where we drank until closing.
I awoke the next day in a million little pieces.
The Shogra System grade for Round 20:
HAW 67
ADEL 94
22.5/25
RICH 59
COLL 152
0/15
BL 84
WB 102
0/15
SYD 87
GEEL 92
8/10
PORT 67
CARL 121
0/10
ST K 108
ESS 110
7/10
Final Grade is 37.5/85, which is 44.1%. That is the best percentage we have had so far, but still not much of a life changing grade. The score is neither fantastic (we have not made the top 4), nor terrible (we have not jeopardized our final eight chances either), but floating somewhere in between (oh, the ugly grey mediocrity of life. Must you permeate the world of sports also?).
The Crows are now at least three wins clear of the teams vying for a position in the top eight, so with only two games left in the minor rounds, it means the Crows have made the finals.
The see-saw antics continue, as the next games will decide whether the Crows will make the top four (still a slim chance) or failing that, lose the home ground final (by finishing in 7th position).
These are five games that will affect the Crows standing on the ladder, any match involving a team already in the top four will rank out of 15. Any match outside the top four, but vying for a position will rank out of 10. The Crows game will rank out of 25. We want team A to win in each category:
B Western Bulldogs vs
A Geelong
Geelong winning would improve our chances of taking a top four spot over the Bulldogs, who are one win ahead of us. If Bulldogs win, and the Crows win their match, then there is still an extremely slight chance we can take that fourth spot. Match will score out of 15.
B Carlton vs
A Melbourne
Carlton are neck and neck with the Crows on the ladder, equal on wins but only ahead of us by 2.68%. They could jeopardize our chances for that top four spot. Match will score out of 15.
B Adelaide vs
A West Coast Eagles
Naturally, we need to win this and preferably by a large margin. Match will score out of 25.
B Brisbane Lions vs
A Port Adelaide
Another one of those freak weekends where you will find me hoping for a Port win. Brisbane could nudge the Crows out of sixth spot (and taking the home ground final away from us, those filthy fucking Queenslanders). If we lose and Brisbane wins, they will leap frog us on the ladder – because they have those two points from the Draw with Essendon up their sleeve. Bastards.
B Collingwood vs
A Sydney
If Collingwood lose the next two games (unlikely) and the Crows win the next two, then there is a chance for us to reach the top four. If Collingwood win this game, then the Crows will not be able to chase them next round. Any Collingwood win will give this match a 0/15 score.
For those of you who are still confused by the Shogra System, here is a diagram I created:
Hang on, that’s not it. I must have loaded the wrong JPEG file. Try this:
Damn it, that’s not it either. What’s wrong with the Blogger image uploader? I created this awesome diagram on how the grading system works, and now I can’t get it up onscreen. One more try:
Ah fuck it. Forget it.
posted by Beef at Friday, August 21, 2009
1 Comments:
I've been waiting a long time for a police academy image in the Shoddy Blog. Thank you Beef.
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