Return of the Pack

Need to get my skates on here – the Rugby World Cup is well underway, and there’s a little something special I wanted to do for it. Namely:


For those of you not reading the blog in May last year, we had the first Shoddy Six Pack during the Soccer World Cup. It was a "league within a league" six teams chosen to compete in their own illustrious cup. If anything, it was a broken down Cup for those of us Geographically retarded people who can’t be fucked with such a wide spectrum of countries (Seriously what the fuck is "Tonga"? Isn’t that an island infested with Dinosaurs and Giant Apes, how did they put together a team?)

And once again the countries are chosen by the Hit Counter - the first six countries who have a team in the world cup will make up the Shoddy Six Pack. You will notice a slightly different line up to last year, as not every country is into Rugby, and also a few countries have dropped by the way-side (hey, shit happens when you don’t update your site for six weeks). I was going to write a small piece on each countries history, but decided to just post a bunch of hot chicks instead. Boobs will always win over historical facts, as Abraham Lincoln once said.

Anyway, here is the line up:

ENGLAND

With over a third of the hits, England has taken over from Australia as the number one Shoddy Fan base. They finished third in last year’s six pack – and are looking to go further this time round.

Random English Chick: Rachel Stevens


There are loads of sexy women in the UK, but I decided to post Rachel, a personal favourite. She has that natural beauty, and she also has one of those "semi posh" British accents that feels like Swan Feathers and Honey gliding into your ear drums. Rachel first shot to stardom in the musical TV show S Club 7. I’ve never seen an episode, but their hallmark song "Bring it All Back" is one of my favourites to drunkenly scream through traffic cones at terrified pedestrians.

AUSTRALIA

Tailing just behind England is the convict Island of Australia. They finished fifth in last year’s six pack, and they have a decent chance of winning it this year.

Random Australian Chick: Krystal Forscutt


Reality Television became a mega force in the 90s, and it’s been fist-fucking the airwaves ever since. Of all the ocular sewerage it spills out, Big Brother is probably the worst. Scientists have proven that it is healthier to have pigeons shit in your mouth for three weeks than to watch 30 minutes of the show.

But thank god the producers aren’t so stupid that they don’t chuck in some decent eye candy, such as Kyrstal who appeared on the show last year.

Krystal Forscutt – what a strange name. It sounds like an expensive circumcising tool.

But gosh, she sure is pretty.


USA

Once again America hits the six pack in the third spot.

Random American Chick: Jessica Alba


I first saw the delectable Jessica Alba in the 1999 Horror film Idle Hands. The busy little actress then went on to star in Crap (2000), Crap (2002), Crap (2003), Crap (2005), Sin City (2005), Crap (2007) and Crap 2: Rise of the Silver Crap (2007).

Her upcoming projects are: Crap (2007), Crap (2008), Crap (2008) and Sin City 2 (2009).

South West Asia needs to get their shit together, as the following countries in the hit counter miss out due to the lack of a World Cup side: Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia. Following them is:

FRANCE

Welcome to France, who are making their inaugural entry into the Shoddy Six Pack Pantheon.

Random French Chick: Mélissa Theuriau


Melissa is a News reader for Paris’ La Chaine Info, and Holy shit what a vision of radiance. She could be reading the breaking story of a train wreck that burned 300 babies to death, and I would still stare back at her doe eyed with a stupid grin on my face. Melissa took the anchor job in 2003 and overnight the dominant viewer demographic changed from middle aged people "probably checking the weather report", to teenage boys "probably jerking off".

CANADA

Welcome to Canada, another newcomer to the Six Pack.

Random Canadian Chick: Elisha Cuthbert


My first Google search for "famous Canadian chicks" turned up Pamela Anderson. The second search revealed Sex and the City’s Kim Cattrall. Christ, are there any famous women from Canada who aren’t middle aged walking STDs? The answer is yes: Jack Baur’s daughter Elisha Cuthbert who turned up on the third search.

(As a side note: Kate from Lost is also Canadian. Does anybody still watch that show? I used to watch it, until that whole "Holy shit, what was that creepy thing, let’s wait 45 episodes to find out" agenda gave me a peptic ulcer).

And seeing how Brazil, Germany and Holland have not bothered with the RWC, the Shoddy Six Pack is finalised with it’s returning champion:

ITALY

Random Italian Chick: Monica Bellucci


Already an accomplished actress in her home country, Monica shot to international stardom in The Matrix Reloaded. She was the most attractive woman in the whole trilogy, but that’s not really saying much compared with what she was up against:

Trinity (most probably has a penis)

Switch (most definitely has a penis)


Well, there you go. The Shoddy Six Pack II. What more can I say, but good luck to all six teams. There is some decent talent involved here, it’s a shame New Zealand isn’t involved – but I’ve never gotten a single hit from that country. From what I hear Broadband was installed over there last year – but then somebody got drunk and beat the shit out of it, and now it doesn’t work any more.

At the time of writing each of the Shoddy teams has played twice, I’ll make an updated ladder later in the week.

Three Oh

Woke up this morning and rubbed my weary eyes, realising that it was my birthday. But this wasn’t just any birthday, this was my 30th. I could feel every day of the last three decades on this planet as I dragged myself out of bed, had a shower, took two aspirin (for my hangover) and headed off to the Chiropractor (for a work related injury).

I had finished work yesterday wondering how I would spend my last night as a 29 year old. How is one supposed to ride out the last evening of their 20’s? Cruise around town on a skateboard throwing eggs at streets signs? Put on a pair of Happy Pants and crank up the Sony Walkman? Build a strap on Dildo out of Lego and chase pigeons in the park?

I opted for something simple and sat in the Revolution Bar with Stranger drinking Guiness and Chilli Vodka shots (that combination doesn’t really mix), followed by a late night KFC run when the Bar shut.

And now today I’ve turned 30. If I could be pedantic here (and fuck you it’s my birthday so I’ll do what I want), I hit the big Three Oh at 5pm Australian Central Standard Time. Finally crossing that foreboding threshold – leaving the comfort of my 20s for the stark plains of my 30s. I am now closer to 40 than I am to 20.

So for the next decade you will find me wandering through a transitional decade. That mysterious realm, found somewhere between the useless anger of youth, and the morbid exhaustion of middle age:

But you know what, fuck all that melodramatic existentialism shit. I’m looking forward to my 30s. There was a time in my early 20s when I feared aging. It wasn’t so much the onset of grey hairs and the punitive beer gut, but the fact that some personalities just aren’t suited to older age groups. I’ve just never been interested in Real Estate, owning a Car, starting a family, generally acting like a respectable citizen – which is fine when you are 19, but how does it look when you are pushing 40?

But if there’s one thing this wonderfully fucked up Never Never Land of London has taught me, it’s that there is no real cut off point for settling down. The best parties of my life seem to be kicking off now, and the most inspiring Socialites I know have got at least a few years on me. I guess it’s a generational thing, but the pressure to "grow old gracefully" doesn’t seem to be a stern prerogative any more.

So at some point should I stop playing Computer Games, or stealing Traffic Cones when I’m drunk?

Nah, fingers crossed – I’ll still be doing that shit when I’m 70.